HELP ME HELP HIM

I have a friend who is a wonderful spirit. He is actually just beginning to start his life. He had saved up during his youth and just moved from Ireland to England to start his career and find his independence. Unfortunately, in the process of moving, he stopped off at the ATM cash machine to withdraw some funds for his trip. The bank machine took his card, and he couldn't retrieve it. He later found that someone else recovered his card from that bank machine and withdrew 2000 EUROs. WOW! Neither the bank nor the person who withdrew the funds is owning up to their misfortune. So here is this really cool guy who is out a HUGE portion of his life savings which he was counting on to move.

If you all have any inclination, please help out by donating to his pay-pal account. The URL to go to it is http://tinyurl.com/stephen-donate and do all you can to help. Every little bit will help and he would greatly appreciate every penny. Also, if you could spread the word, and get your friends or online social networking friends to help, I would also appreciate it! You all have a heart of gold for helping out my friend. Thank you all and God Bless You!

TIME GOES BY

Can't believe half of the month of June is already over! The summer is coming and I am sort of excited about that. I have been in a bit of a fog over all the stuff that was going on over the past few months. The death of the dream (for now), the landlord from hell, the issues with internet heartaches, the efforts and energies you put into each of those things with all of your being, to be let down.

It was in the past, and nothing can change the past. It happened, time to move on. Time to keep setting goals and keep on keeping on. So I began adding some friends who I deleted to get away from it all, so that I can reunite with people who did care, but I couldn't be bothered to deal with. And it's nice that they are still so very much a part of my heart, and it's even nicer that they still have me in such high esteem and I still have so very much a place in their hearts.

My family has been quite supportive of the losses I have faced this past couple months, and that is really cool. I have such amazing support from people who love me. Why or how could I allow myself to feel down? It is the future, and not the past that I can still work at to achieve goals, and it is within myself that I find happiness more than from external forces. When someone talks crap about me, it doesn't phase me because I know what the truth is, and I know who I am.

This isn't the only time I have had to question whether I was right in the choices I have made, and ultimately, I have to say, I think I have tried to handle myself in the end, way better than I have in the past, in the way I have interacted with those who have hurt me or wronged me. That is a definite sign that in looking at my ideal, I am learning to dole out temperance with mercy. And when I see someone who means nothing good for me, if I were to show hatred toward them, I would only be filling my heart or my mind with hatred. And that is a consumer of energy which I can not afford to release at the moment.

All my energies right now are going to be focused on starting again. My dreams will still be realized in regard to the restaurant, and the next choices, I will venture to say, will be better than the first. I will have a better location, and a better grasp of what I need to beware of, and I will have a better budget in place, seeing where I needed to be this time around.

And as far as the whole relational things, eh. I have nothing negative to say about what happened. He is still a person with extreme value and worth. It is just difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who sees hatred in their heart and won't let go of that hatred long enough to find the friend they once had. And that's okay because I will still remember someone I met, long ago, and someone who I saw with incredible promise in his life. He still has that promise, to do great things, and I continue to wish him all the best things in life and much success. He continues to wish I would rot in hell, but that's okay.

My mom has been really cool with me this past couple months. I have been in a bit of a rut emotionally over the past couple months, and she has been really supportive and patient with me over it. She knows what all I have been dealing with, and she is just awesome. Who else will bake brownies out of nowhere, and just bring me one in bed whenever she thinks of me? Or who else will bring me a soda, when I am sitting without even being asked? Who would let you sleep during the day and stay up all night instead of getting up to do the whole day thing, and go out to face the day when you would rather curl up into a ball and just say "Fuck the world." My mom would, that's who. And I love her a lot... despite her bitchiness sometimes!

And for now, time to get a job to pay off the amount I have lost in the venture so that I can start to plan for my next attempt at success. I have begun talking to a really cool person from Canada, who is incredibly intelligent, and really fun to talk to. There are moments when I just think he gets me. And I hope he does. But time will tell. And in time, you look for your ideals and you hope that you meet their ideals. And in the process you make a really amazing friend. Or you decide that your life has been somehow made better for knowing them.

Every person in my life... brings me joy. Whether they know it or not. And I think I need to appreciate those who I sometimes take for granted. So, yeah. I suppose I will say adieu and wish you all a FANTASTIC day. I am going for a walk since it is sunny and warm outside right now. I need to bask in this NEW DAY! And see the outlook for the rest of the summer! I need to clear my head for a bit, in the park, looking at the greenery, and just soak up the sun! I haven't seen it for a while.

Talk to you all soon! :-)

NEW PLAN

Well, it looks like the landlord is definitely going to be breaking the lease, so now it is time to do one of a few things. First thing is, I have to keep up with the bills until I am legally evicted through the courts, because only then can I be clearly NOT breaking my end of the lease agreement. Second, of course, now that the city has come and put a stop work order on the building, and now that they have issued him violations which he has to appear to answer, there is a lot of speculation as to what he is going to do with that property.

So if it is possible, and if the guy has a few brain cells left, he will chose to sell the building. He was asking for way too much money, knowing now what the building is worth, and what needs to be done to make it operational again. I have spoken to a couple different architects and contractors and within the next couple weeks I will be getting a few estimates as to the cost of remodeling the property. When I figure out the remodel cost, and add that to the equipment cost, and deduct that from what I can afford to get a mortgage for, I will have my friend (who doesn't know me) make the guy a low-ball offer to buy the property, as is. That way, I can buy it back from him! I can get a mortgage on my own, or through the SBA, and take the money it will take to remodel, plus the sale price, plus the cost of equipment and beginning working capital and just pay that amount rather than paying rent to someone who isn't going to be looking out for the building in the first place. I will probably have to pay the city penalties now, if I buy the building and have to get permits for the work that needs to be done on the remodel. But it will not be as much as if I were to pay this guy rent for the next 2-6 years before I pay his exhorbinant purchase price and so I think this is the more economical way in the long run.

Figuring on paying what I was planning on paying in rent to cover the mortgage, I will have the building and equipment and remodel and stuff all paid off within 10 years! And I will own the building and the property outright! This guy made such a miserable choice to buy this building in the first place, as he wasn't a restaurant guy, then he left it go to crap and get shut down by the health department, and then he left it deteriorate over the past few years as a vacant building. Now, he has to get out of the lease agreement he made with me, take a loss from the sale of the building and walk away. Hopefully he will do just that and take a low offer or negotiate more reasonably now that he sees what more he has to do (and pay) to make the building operational again. *crosses fingers*

NOTHIN'

I sent my letter to the landlord, telling him that he has 30 days to cure the problems he has in his building or to make an effort to start on the repairs. I am still waiting for the inspectors to come out to issue violation notices.

He has called me asking to come to look at the amount of work his "contractors" did so he could pay them, and each of the three days in a row that I have told him I was going to be there, he never showed. The last time I told him I would be there at 5:30 pm, and he was 2 cars in front of me, and drove right by as I was pulling up to the restaurant at 5:25 pm. Then I called him 10 minutes later, and he said he was there but I wasn't. He is so full of shit.

He has no intention of honoring the lease agreement we have. I spoke with my lawyers who told me that I have a pretty good chance of winning my case in court if I sue him for my losses. And I intend on doing that. He will have to evict me at this point. And he probably will. And I will withhold rent until he does. And in court we will have our day. And unfortunately, for him, he is liable to me for actual damages, consequential damages, and potential loss of profits. And since I had a 2 year lease, with two-2 year options beyond that, he is risking losing a lot more than it would have taken him to remodel his property.

He will have fun defending himself in court, and I will have fun should the building inspectors find his building condemnable. It will be even more fun should he lose his building to the city due to their exercising eminent domain, and then me buying the place and fixing it up right. But I won't pay what the guy was asking for it. I will pay like less than half.

Wishful thinking. I doubt it will turn out that way. The guy will pay his fines, and patch his walls and rent the place to some other person, without knowing what they are getting into.

And in the meantime, I am out for a year, which is about how long the lawyers say it will take for us to get to court and trial. Eh, yet again, I'll find a place. It may take a while, to recover from the loss of this, but I will find a place. Florida is so much easier, licensing wise. But there is this one lot, I have been looking at for years, and I ask every year at least once, for the lease, but so far have been denied. It's right across the street from this HUGE park. How nice that would be!

DEATH OF DREAMS

Since I was a little kid, I have dreamed of doing this. I wanted to have my own little restaurant, something that I could get up in the morning, go to make food, serve people and interact with them, and come home at night with a sense of having made people happy. There was nothing in that dream about making them sick, or making myself sick by going to work every day. But when I signed this lease, I made sure that I would be protected by making sure the language of the lease was such that the Landlord would not be able to stick me with the responsibility of caring for his negligence or building repairs or replacing major systems.

Well, as you may have read over the past few posts, there have been some major hiccups along the lines with the building and the building systems, more currently and more substantially, with moldy rotten wood within the walls. And there is no way that I am sacrificing my name or reputation by allowing him to cut corners in the clean up or restoration of his building at the expense of the health of myself (who would be breathing the mold spores for 14 hours a day) or the health of the public who I would be serving every day!

He has tried to cover up the problem without benefit of building inspectors over the past couple weeks since I signed the lease to correct his building systems, but when he sacrifices the public safety issue, I have to draw the line. I can't take the responsibility for his shoddy workmanship. And it will be my name on the sign, and on the building, regardless of who owns the building, I have to take responsibility for my knowledge of what is going on. And today, I did just that. I took responsibility, and called the city to have the building inspectors come and look at the work he is allowing to be done without benefit of permits, or inspections to make the building up to code.

He has time to remedy the building, if the building inspectors don't just come out and condemn the building all together. But if he does remedy the building to code, I will still hope to hold on to the restaurant. If he would rather get out of the lease at this point, he will be responsible for every penny I have already invested into this place, and he will definitely be held accountable for his misrepresentations and actions to breach this lease.

I cried for the loss of my dream, and my mom and my brothers and sisters my friends all comforted me during this time of loss. Financially, the $7,000 - $15,000 is nothing compared to the dream this guy promised me, and killed. The work I have been putting into making this place a successful venture, and the hopes and dreams now shattered; it's just sad.

I'll find another place. Soon.

LANDLORDS! GAH!!!

Every wall, every floor board, every leaky pipe, all of this crap is his responsibility. Every system which is in disrepair, and all of it is his responsibility. Why does he think I AM COSTING HIM MONEY? It's HIS building! It's his stupidity to leave the water pipes full of water in the winter, and so they busted when the pipes froze, and now there is water leaks in all the plumbing, and it's his stupidity to leave the roof leak long enough to rot out the joists, and the drywall, and the insulation. All of this is his responsibility! And I am not going to be doing this work for him or HIS BUILDING! He needs to step up and realize that it is still his building.

All this work, and we're already into week 2. Today, I had a couple laborers helping me move some equipment from one area in the kitchen to the dry storage area. Well, I have all these tools in the dry storage area. So this other guy is walking by and asks for some work, so I was like, "Sure, come help out." Then I am on my way to go get some cleaning supplies, and the one guy I had working with me, tells me that this guy stole one of my tools which was like $40 but he wanted to take it to scrap it, and get some money for it. A $40 tool, but still, the guy chucked it over the fence so I wouldn't find it, and he could come back later and take it! So I walk up to him, hand him $10 and tell him, "That is for the one hour you worked, I don't need you anymore today." Now he is all pissed cos the other guys are still working with me, and he was like, "Wait, I thought you needed me for a few hours, and you were going to pay me more," I pulled the tool out that he chucked behind the fence, and said, "THIS IS THE REASON YOU AREN'T STAYING, NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU ARRESTED!" What it was that he tried to steal was a bolt cutter, but I wanted to say get the hell out before I cut your fucking balls off with this bolt cutter! But I was really restraining my anger.

I don't have all the money in the world to start this business. I want things done right, and I want to work a fair day for a fair wage, and I try to extend courtesy to people who wanted to help out, by giving them a job, and this is the thanks I get? I didn't deserve that crap. I just bought that thing, like a week ago. And this guy is going to steal it from me? In a week, I have managed to spend an average of a thousand dollars a day! That is a lot. Now I just bought floor tile, new fixtures for the entire place, a new toilet, and some cement and concrete repair stuff, for the foundation cracks in the dry storage building. And it cost me like close to $1400. That's a lot of money to be spending on some place I am only renting, but it is worth getting the stuff done right! I don't want to put cheap workmanship or materials into a place that I plan on being in for the next 6 years, or more.

So I have the right people working with me, people who I can trust. My brother is a plumber and an electrician. And he is helping me out with the electrical work and the plumbing stuff he can help with. He is also helping me lay tile in the restaurant and installing all my lighting fixtures and plumbing stuff. But he offered my landlord to work on the water leaks, repairing and stuff for $30 an hour. Which is like 1/3 of what any other good plumber would offer to do the work for. But since it was for my restaurant, he wasn't going to screw him over on the workmanship. So this guy, the landlord, decides to ask his friend to do it for him. I asked his friend how much he was charging him to do this, he said $80 an hour. The guy was there for 8 hours finding and fixing all the leaks. And I AM COSTING HIM MONEY???

My landlord asked some carpenter friend of his now to fix walls, which were damaged by the roof leak, insulating them and paneling the walls. I got another friend of my brother's who he works with doing the same thing. The guy said it would be like a good week's worth of work, and will probably ballpark the cost of the materials and labor at $4,000. My landlord says he is crazy, but my landlord also doesn't want to address all the walls that are water-damaged. He only wants to skate by with the minimum so he can slide under the radar for the inspections. But if these inspectors come out to check the stuff, they are going to fine him for first not having the building up to code, and second, for doing ANY work without the right permits from the city.

So this guy doesn't want to spend any money on his building and wants me to take on the responsibility of making his building work for him. This was EXACTLY what took a month to write and fight over in the lease. He wanted nothing to do with the repairs to this building, so it would have cost me about $15,000 to get all this stuff done right instead of him having to pay for his crap workmanship. The equipment he had in the restaurant to start with, was JUNKED because his son who was managing the place, left it go to crap! It was all covered in GREASE for the 5 years the place was closed, the entire place was a home to the neighborhood rat population. And when I clipped the lock on the gangway between the buildings, I see stockpiles of GARBAGE loaded up in the gangway! NO WONDER THE GUY WAS SHUT DOWN BY THE CITY! The place was literally A DUMP!

I am crying right now, because of the undaunted task of getting this place to code. And to get it done right, is difficult for me to do when the LANDLORD won't do it right! I am not going to die of mold spores in my kitchen walls, and I am not going to make my customers sick from it either!

WAIT - AFTER GOD SAID "LET THERE BE LIGHT"

Wasn't it after the whole creation events, and God making the day light and the night dark, then he decided to do the whole flood thing, right? Because I think it wasn't too long ago when I got my electricity turned on, and then it started raining, and then the roof, not having been fixed, decided to collapse the ceiling in on me, and now the carpenters are going to have to replace the ceiling, and a whole side of my building's drywall panels.

Not to mention, yesterday when I went to the bank, the banker said I could just give him my social security number and then when I called today to let him know my federal tax ID number, he said I would have to close the old account and start a whole new account, AFTER I HAD ALREADY STARTED WRITING CHECKS ON THE OTHER ACCOUNT! So now I got that stuff straightened out. The fire suppression system we had in the building is now in need of not recharging or repairing, but replacing, which is another $2,000.

The good news is I got my insurance policy in place. And that was a good thing, because despite it being another $2,400, it was finally there to protect me from any more damage or fire or whatever else could possibly happen to this place now that I am in it! It seems that Murphy's Law, "Everything that can go wrong, will! And it will happen at the worst possible time," is fully in effect for me here. But my mom asked me if I was regretting my decision to do this, and I fully said, "NO WAY!"

There are nice things to be said for what is going on as well. Like, today, I got to talk to the coffee supplier, and so that is arranged for delivery. And then there is the carpenter who is a friend of my brother's. He seemed like he actually knew what he was talking about, and that he would do some decent work. I also got my menu board ordered and sent off to the designers for graphic artwork and stuff. And then we got our dumpster delivered today! That was a BIG thing, believe it or not, because without that dumpster, I had no place to start throwing out old junk! So it was nice, to see some of the stuff happening. And I also set up some vendor appointments today with some really influential people. I got to talk to an old friend who is the Senior Vice President of Vienna Beef Co. This guy is UBER important in the city of Chicago, only because his company has been selling the main "CHICAGO DOG" for the past 125 years!

All these companies who I will be dealing with, who are my vendors, and suppliers, will give me free product, or free advertising stuff, or even help pay for my equipment, or my signs, or just a bunch of stuff. Just for selling their stuff! How wicked is that?!?! So I have Pepsi giving me some coolers, to store my soda, salads, and condiments in. I have the coffee guy giving me a coffee system, to sell his coffee. I have the hot dog vendor giving me signs and table umbrella's and free product or cash for putting his logo on my signs and stuff. And people in the neighborhood are really anticipating my opening already. I have only been there two days, and despite the COMPLETE MESS the place is in, I have gotten a relatively lot done! And the place can only get better. I mean, there are things I need to do to make it what it needs to be, and all the little things add up to a big thing. But ultimately, the place will be where it needs to be to pass all the right inspections, and I can do what I have always dreamed of doing.

My chief goal is not to sell a hot dog here. My chief goal is to be a reputable place, with quality food, great service, and always doing things in business with a good ethic. That means, not screwing people over to make a buck. I think the more I do what I need to do without cutting corners, the farther I will get in this business to build a reputation of being the better restaurant operator.

When I can show a profit, will not be the determining factor of my success, but when I can get my vendors and customers to be happy to do business with me each and every time they walk up to my counter. So from the beginning, to the end, and all the time in between, I want to be a business man with integrity, providing a piece of me with every hot dog, gyros, burger, steak sandwich, and appetizer I sell!

AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP

So today, I got my tree trimmed, from the electric wire problem, and then we got the electric company out right away to hook up service! I have LIGHT! And also, Pepsi came by to arrange for delivering a really SWEET cooler that they are paying for, servicing and all I have to do is SELL PEPSI! They offered me a menu board, but I don't like the generic ones that they have with the little plastic numbers and letters. It just looks sloppy and old. I have this really nice one being made for me. It is going to be lit up and laminate graphics that the light shines through. And as for the gas company, after like, hours of being on the phone, and countless customer service issues, I finally set up an appointment for Saturday afternoon. So that will be good for me to get to cooking. Tonight the carpenter is supposed to be coming by to look over the place and begin assessing all the damage. And there is just a lot to be done. I never realized how much of a problem we have in the dry storage area with cleaning up and storing stuff on shelves, high enough and out of reach of any unwelcome guests!

Also today, the cable company came by to make sure we are serviceable for internet and phone service. And then I hopped downtown to get my business name registered with the county, and my state resale tax ID number. Now I have to file for my federal tax ID number and I also have to eat something before I pass out from not eating all day. I have been so nervous about all this stuff, I haven't had time to eat.

Finally today, I went to the bank to open my business checking account. Just as they were about to close for the day, so I can get my debit card in the mail and my checks ordered and begin to use them to pay for stuff.

The road is long, and the path is certainly not paved well. But I will get to opening day. I hope sooner than later. I have 4-6 weeks before I can get health inspectors in to conduct their inspections. I just hope we get that far. QUICK!

Talk to you later! Keep up with the blog posts for those of you interested. And keep me in your prayers and thoughts. :-)

A TREE

So, there's this great big tree in the back lot of the property. And from the pole in the alley to the building are draped these wires from the phone company and the electric company. Well, somehow, this big tree in the back lot tore down the electrical wires and so now I have to have the tree trimmed so that the electric company can come re-wire us from the pole to the building. A TREE damaged the line. But the best part of this, I get a call at Midnight to come to the restaurant, because the Electric Company guy is going to be there in half an hour. AT MIDNIGHT!!! Question being, will my landlord pay for this one too? Or will he just say, sorry man, you have lots of troubles getting started. I wouldn't know until I talk to him. But I WILL get electricity before the weekend!

I HOLD THE KEY!

The future is mine. I control my own destiny. I am the author of my own destiny. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And about a dozen or so more cliche's come to mind as I hold the key to my shabby little shanty with a griddle and a fryer and a gyros machine and a couple coolers and freezers. I remember the first time I had my own apartment, back when I was living outside Atlanta, Georgia. I had moved down and stayed with my brother just long enough to find a job and a place of my own. And the apartment which I signed a lease on was 750 square feet and it was BEAUTIFUL! I didn't have a stick of furniture and still, I felt like for the first time in my life, it was MY PLACE! No longer encumbered by the rules of "mom's house" or answering to anyone but myself (of course, now with this lease came certain rules and restrictions but these seemed more official since the name on the lease was mine). So there I was in my new apartment, and I spun around with my arms extended, and ran through the apartment singing "MINE-ALL MINE! MINE-ALL MINE! MINE-ALL MINE!"

It was sort of the same thing today! The pride after such a difficult struggle with the language on the lease, and who was responsible for what, and how this was supposed to be dealt with, and what happened if this happened? It was all a bunch of crap until finally, our signatures were affixed on the last page after initialing each of the 25 pages of the lease and checking each clause to make sure we had met on each point. FINALLY we were done trying to get over so that we could move forward. There was not a lot I could do but revel in that moment. I stood in amazement as I looked around at my little wooden shack, and walls and ceiling which needed some cosmetic work. The sink which needed a new faucet, and the floors which needed base molding, and the wall which needed drywall, and all of it was MINE! I had so much to do within the weeks and months ahead to get it ready, but in that one moment, when I had my copy and he had his, it was just that! It was a moment, where I knew what I was getting myself into, and I LOVED IT!

It's sort of like, a right of passage. When you are in control of something bigger than you have ever been in control of before, it is like, you feel a sense of pride! And that is how I felt at that moment. I have managed restaurants for other people before, and it was great and all. I felt like I took care and a sense of responsibility for my job as a manager, but I never felt pride in the outcome of that work. I got a paycheck, and that was a good feeling. I paid bills and I got what I was agreed to get for the time I spent doing what I was told to do. But this time, it was MY responsibility to put in the time and effort, blood, sweat and tears. And in the end, all my work will pay me what I hope to be enough to still pay the bills, and perhaps enough to save up to do more.

I want to pass the threshold and see my business grow from month to month, and then to level off eventually, I am sure, and then to keep me in business for not just the term of the lease, but for the duration of the business life. I want this so much! I have wanted this since I was a little kid, chasing the hot dog street vendor and wanting my own hot dog cart someday! Maybe it was the "GREEK BLOODLINE" which just yelled out, "RESTAURANT" to me. Maybe it was just what I ended up cursed with. But it is finally mine. I don't have to work for someone else anymore. I don't have to answer to anyone but my customers anymore. And for once, when I go home at night, when all is said and done, the work won't be for the benefit of someone else. It will be to build MY business.

The entire struggle with the lease this whole time, was to keep that sacred to me. If I was taking a business from nothing to build it up over time, there was no way in HELL that I would just give it over to my landlord or someone he wanted to give the business to someday, and take all the hard work I was doing to give to someone else. That just wasn't going to happen without me fighting for it. And so I hope that within the next 6 years of my lease and options, that I will have the means to buy the place outright, and not have to worry about that happening in the future. Beyond that, if someone wanted to buy my business, and pay me for what I feel my work was worth, in building that business, then I could negotiate a fair price for that, but in the meantime, I had a lot do to make that happen.

This moment is MINE! This little shabby shack which has been referred to as "ghetto" by some, is still MY GHETTO SHABBY SHACK! And I take pride in everything it is and all I will be able to do with it. The keys are in my hand. And I have control of everything there is in it. From today, I have a very short time to turn it from shanty, to beautiful, and make that little wooden shack make a whole lot of hot dogs (and other food) to pay the rent, utilities, and me. And from this point on, IT'S MINE!

Today, I didn't hesitate to begin calling places to set up the utilities, and get the work scheduled to get the place ready for opening. I have about 5,000 things that need to be done from now until the final inspections, and I hope that they all get done without a bunch of struggles... but even those struggles will build my character, and without that, I wouldn't feel as proud. I don't want anything just given to me without me putting any effort into it. So yeah, life, bring it on! I'm ready now. I control the destiny here.

Finally, I must say, thank you to my friends and family who have kept listening to me struggling through this lease process, and dreaming stages since I was a kid. They are in for more, until I finally do get open for business. But thanks for listening to me and just dealing with my rants and my dreams. And for the One who makes all things beautiful in HIS time - the giver of all blessings, THANK GOD!

I WANTED TO TRY TO BLOG MOBILE

So I set up my cell to be able to send blog messages and stuff, while I am mobile. It didn't work. Maybe I wrote too much. HAHAHA. Oh well. I was going to write a message to someone to say, like, "No hard feelings, I guess we just weren't meant to be friends," sorta thing, but I asked my friend, and she said she would just leave it be. So, yeah, I understand that he doesn't deserve the good gesture even, but I have always tried to be the better person. It isn't like I hate the guy, I just don't like him. Nor do I like the characterizations he made about me after all that crap. And knowing what I know now about who he is, the type of person he has become (or perhaps always was), I don't really like what he is about and probably would never have given it a second thought when we stopped talking in the first place. But this has occupied so much of my efforts and energy, both time and emotionally, that I want to put it to rest.

Moving on, today I am sending in for my state certificate, so that I can get my state foodservice manager's license. I need it to send in for the city license. And that one is going to take a while to process. I wish this were faster, because in order for me to open, the health inspector has to sign off on the premises, and in order to do that, he has to technically see my license. Will he let me go without it for a bit while the city bureaucracy and red tape takes its time to do what it needs to do without making me wait it out? I still need to pay rent in the meantime. So that would really suck.

Today is yet another day that I got a good night's sleep. First time in a long while that I have done that. Yesterday, after I got done with the drama, and got on with a friend of mine for a while on skype, and after deleting all my junk social networking accounts, I finally was able to just sleep a really long time. I remember going in the kitchen, making myself some eggs for breakfast, and then falling asleep. And then I looked over to the alarm clock a couple times overnight, to look at the time, and I just figured, that I didn't need to really wake up, and so I didn't until like, 8:30 am today. That was a full 20 hours of pure, unadulterated sleep. I love those. I wasn't feeling all that well to begin with, and the stress and anxiety was really getting to me. I didn't even need to take a Xanax, as I was just so completely wiped out from it all. Thankfully, my body knew what it needed and made me do the right thing. I don't need to be getting sick right now, there is way too much to do!

I will return over the next weeks to describe the new challenges and accomplishments of the future grand opening. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please. Have a great day!

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

Forget, haha! How do you forget how much someone has no empathy for your feelings? All those things, ALL OF THEM, in the blog below, define him to a T! It was sad, realizing those things over the past few weeks. And the entirety of the "final straw" was me being confrontational about all the things he did. It was time for me to find answers. And I tried as hard as I could to not be abrasive when I did it. I wanted to find a way to talk to him, but as soon as I said anything, NOT SO MUCH AS AN APOLOGY. Not a single sincere word of feeling bad for anything HE WAS responsible for. The lies he told, the whole thing, it was continuous. And from day one, to the very end, he lied about so much. I could really care less about his lies to me, but he lied ABOUT ME to EVERYONE he knew. HE PUT THIS PICTURE of me in EVERYONE's face that was full of lies. EVEN AFTER, all this stuff happened, and I was trying to be protective of him from someone I felt was DANGEROUS, he blew up on me. And after blowing up, he still hadn't deleted anything I was added to as a friend on his social networking sites. I was so sick of the characterizations though, so I went ahead and deleted him from EVERYTHING. It took me close to an hour, to go through all the networking sites I had visited and added him to, and all the friends we mutually had on our contact list, because he had FUN TELLING THEM lies about me too. So, I just figured, I needed to just finally say that I was done with the lies, the insensitivity, the hostility, the being blamed or made to feel like ANY of it was my fault, despite me trying to blame myself for it in any chat he and I had. I didn't want him to think I was blaming him for all of it. But then he just started slinging the same slanderous lies. From the start to the finish. He saw my last e-mail to him, telling him I had deleted him from everything. And then I blocked him from the only thing I had left. It was my e-mail account that I had held open for him to still contact me with. And I blocked him from EVERYTHING.

I've known a few narcissists in my time. Sadly they just drain you of your emotional energy. He keeps telling people that I tried to take ownership of him, or that I am some pervert who wants him for sex, when I NEVER BROUGHT SEX INTO A DISCUSSION WITH HIM in all the times we spoke. I joked with my friend that I never even asked him what he preferred to be in bed... or how big he was... or whether he was even cut or uncut. I NEVER BROUGHT THOSE QUESTIONS TO THE TABLE!!! Because I didn't see him as a sexual thing. EVER.

He tells me in his e-mail that he never cared how he makes me feel. He didn't care if I was sad or whatever from what he did. He also says that he never liked me. So from day one, he lied. And I responded plainly that I was glad to have had this chance to know who he really was, and that I was glad that he wanted nothing more to do with me again, because it was sort of a relief to me. I didn't have to wait until July, to give him what I had promised him. He released me from my promise finally and firmly. So I feel no obligation to fulfill it. And I DELETED HIM! And he probably feels like, he has the edge. He will never be half the man I am. He will never have any significant relationships with someone which will last because he finds fault in people and blames them for his own insincerity.

Yeah, I have known many a narcissist. And each time, you find this charismatic, fun loving person. They are natural born, outspoken people who attract a crowd of followers. And when one of them falls short, they fail. They are cast away. And they are from that point forward, lied about, spat upon, kicked, ridiculed, and left for dead. Who cares? Nobody can be fucked to bother! Nice way of living life. I just could never do it. Thank GOD there are fully not many people in the world like him!!! Because the world would be such a better place with a few less narcissists. The only character or personality which I believe is worse, and I have only met one in my life, is an antisocial personality. These are often referred to as psychopaths. And just a step down from them is a narcissist.

They will never stop believing they are as great as they are. And they will never have an ounce of feeling for anyone. It is just the way they were programmed. I wish there was definitive help to give a narcissist. But what narcissist would want to come down from the pedestal they have put themselves on, in order to come down to reality and realize they are no better. And often times, worse than anyone else around them. Therapy is pointless for this very reason. You can't convince anyone that they are wrong if they don't like being confronted with their faults. They don't believe they have any!

THIS is the first day of my life. So glad I never even met you. I went out in the rain and everything changed, because my tears flowed down my cheeks. Yours was the one I thought I saw, when I looked out across the future. And when you finally showed me what it feels to be destroyed I found my feet, landing back on solid ground. To every person it takes a breaking point and finally I have found, that maybe this time it is different, I mean I really know you hate me.
sing to the melody of "first day of my life" by Bright Eyes

And now I deleted you from my contacts, maybe you will become the man I hoped you'd be. And if you ever feel a bit of empathy for anyone but yourself, there are some who will hold you higher than you ever thought you would be. As for me, I'm looking forward at my life, free of exhaustion from my complete disgust of you and all you are at this moment. And I hope to never hear from or see you again. And that opinion has changed so much over the past WEEK! I expected to let you just do your thing, and walk away for a while after July. It ended up just being an early wake up call to me. I can walk away now. And neither one of us has to feel weirded out by the other anymore.

DSM IV-TR NPD (MY WEAKNESS)

I am always attracted to the same person. THIS IS HIM! Why can't I see this going into it? Crafty little bastards hide who they are until they have no more use for you. You are left with nothing more than sympathy for them, knowing full well that they will NEVER have an ounce of sympathy or empathy for you or what they have put you through.

The following was taken from the Wikipedia page on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and is not complete. If you would like to check out the site, you can Google NPD or you can check out Wikipedia's site at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder


Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."

The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness.


Classification

DSM-IV divides personality disorders into three clusters based on symptom similarities. This clustering categorizes the narcissistic personality disorder as a cluster B personality disorder, those personality disorders having in common an excessive sense of self importance. Also in that cluster are the borderline personality disorder, the histrionic personality disorder and the antisocial personality disorder.

The ICD-10 (International Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders, published by the World Health Organization in Geneva 1992) regards narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category known as "Other specific personality disorders", which also includes the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders.

DSM IV-TR criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special"
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

THIS IS UNCANNY

http://www.bentbay.dk/How_months12.htm

JANUARY

* Ambitious and serious
* Loves to teach and be taught
* Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses
* Likes to criticize
* Hardworking and productive
* Smart, neat and organized
* Sensitive and has deep thoughts
* Knows how to make others happy
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Rather reserved
* Highly attentive
* Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
* Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
* Loves children
* Likes to point out people's mistakes
* Loyal
* Needs to improve social abilities
* Easily jealous*

DUNZO!

It doesn't matter. The same things can be said. The feelings you have for someone can be said, and as soon as you feel that way, you are just wrong for feeling them, even if they were said to you. It doesn't matter. It never did. I cared for nothing. I tried for nothing. I gave every effort to make things right, and try to forget, but the pain is still there. Because SOME people would rather say I am immature than take FUCKING responsibility for what they said or did to hurt me. How do I not have a right to feel hurt? How do I not have a right to be upset? How do I try to get a point across when some people can't be fucked to care? Why do I care? I DON'T ANYMORE! It is pointless. I hope life is good for some people. I hope 15,000 miles isn't as much of a distance as 9,000 miles was. But rather, I hope SOME can recognize that THEY need to grow up and actually care about the people THEY hurt, before they spread LIES and VICIOUS rumors about someone... to make them out to be wrong, when NOTHING I DID WAS THE CAUSE OF THIS, BUT GIVING MY HEART WHERE IT WAS MADE TO FEEL WELCOME! FUCK!

My whole thing was to give this gift, and walk away, in July, but no. I had to have this conversation, cos there were times he was completely cool, and other times he was a complete douche towards me. And so it bothered me, with the past hurt I felt, like... WHY??? Why do you think you can do things to hurt someone and then not take responsibility for what you do? And instead make the person feel STUPID for feeling anything in the first place? I'M SPEAKING IN RIDDLES??? YOU KNOW THE TRUTH! EVERYONE I TELL GETS THE TRUTH! I'M THE TRANSPARENT ONE HERE, REMEMBER? I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED... AND I KNEW I WASN'T WRONG ALL ALONG! And everyone I talked to told me the same thing! Even his friends told me that they understood. But they took a side cos they were his friends. Cool. I get that. But CHRIST! He sits there and tells a version of this story to make me out to be this fucking FREAK! WTF???

I gave all my friends this lecture every time they said I shouldn't care. I was like, he isn't hopeless, just as much of a guy as he could be. No guy wants to say he is wrong. Or that he is sorry. He wasn't any exception. And yeah, he was young, and hadn't had the experiences in life. But where did he get that he could just hurt people and say fuck you! After he did that? I can't say he is the first narcissist I have ever met. And he probably won't be the last. And yeah, a little narcissism is healthy, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of his age, and I ALWAYS defended him, despite how I KNEW what he was doing. I STUCK UP FOR HIM to ANYONE I TOLD about this. Whenever they said, DON'T BOTHER! I still said, nah, he is really a cool person there somewhere. Cos I SEE THAT! But right now, I am sooooooo freaking frustrated. I feel like just throwing my laptop against the wall and breaking it into a hundred pieces.

I love my friends. I can't block the jerk. He can block me if he wants. IDFC! Wouldn't be the first time, and at least THIS TIME, I GOT SOME CLOSURE in the matter, rather than just saying... "Oh, just let him forget about me." WTF did you expect me to do??? WTH??? Yeah you lied... about a lot of stuff. I guess it was a bunch of lies from the beginning. Sad.

I will blog again when I get this lease finally. And I will definitely keep in touch here, if anyone is interested, but I am off Skype and other social networking sites for a while. I can't deal with IMMATURITY! I'm the one who needs to grow up???? I think it is the other way around. *breathes a sigh of relief finally. DUNZO!

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WILL EVER HAPPEN

I know, I am not giving up hope here, but I am seriously frustrated with the whole landlord and his lawyer asking me for ridiculous provisions to be added to my lease. I will not pay for repairs on his 50 year old wooden stick building should something break down. And I won't go back on promises I made, so why does he think he should be able to do so within the lease itself? I'm just frustrated. I need to be patient this week, but if he persists on being unreasonable and not forthright, I will be walking away in a hurry from this before I get into a fiasco situation.

Easter was pretty cool for me. I opted to not do the whole family thing. Everyone was going to my sister's house and it was a long drive to the house. So I was planning on staying behind to work on getting the place ready and clean to get opened as quickly as possible. Unfortunately that hasn't happened yet. So I decided to stay home, and relax, without any interruptions. It was actually nice. I got the chance to read, think, plan, pray, and just reflect on the past few months. I really don't get that opportunity as often as I'd like. So I took it.

Even if I go for a walk or a drive, I am consumed by deadlines, or having to go home to deal with the same situation I left. So Easter Sunday was just a day of rest for me. I won't be getting much more of those once I begin working 12 hour days, 7 days a week until I get going for a few months. And even then, the winter will begin, and business will be lower than in the summer months, so I will be doing it pretty much on my own then as well.

I hate thinking about all this stuff too much, I just have to let things happen if they are going to. And not worry about it as much if they aren't. It'd be nice to know what is going on, but I can't keep worrying about it, cos I will never get through the days if I do.

Talking to old friends, and new ones. That is a nice thing, always. It is sad when something happens to bring distance... or animosity, but ultimately, when you find yourself to be able to sleep at night, without remorse or regret, then at the end of the day, you are good. I don't want to go too much more into that, but to say... I will be able to sleep well tonight.

Sorry for the "code," I just need to get to sleep after watching the rest of this movie. GET REAL, FTW! I don't care how you get your hands on this movie, it is really good. Some would say it is a "gay chick flick." I say, "FUCK OFF!" At least watch it to appreciate it a bit, and don't be so quick to judge. I enjoy action or horror or base movies once in a while as well... so why shouldn't you expand your mind a bit and enjoy a dramatic movie?

Night all - or morning... Pray that I get this lease this week, and for less of a strain on a friendship I've been trying to foster as of late. K-thanx.

WILL I STAY OR WILL I GO NOW?

Two days away, from finding out about my lease. This is the one hinge on which everything else swings from. If this guy signs the lease, I will be able to do all the rest of the stuff I have to get done. If he doesn't sign the new copy my lawyer sent him, I am completely screwed. I can't do anything after that. So now it is just a matter of waiting 2 days!

Damn "friend" of mine got a new scooter, so I was reminiscing about when I had my little Yamaha Zuma, and then they discontinued the model. So I looked up the thing on Google, and to my surprise, they brought back the ZUMA!!! Now I want one! But it is $2200 that I don't have, and would rather not finance right now because of all the money I am taking on this restaurant. I guess my e-mail asking Yamaha to release that model again, really helped! And I guess I will have to wait until next summer to get one.

So this is it, I'm hella nervous. I am like, sitting here waiting for this one thing. I am also sitting here preparing an outline of my first VLOG... It won't come until May or June, only because I will be wicked busy with this thing. But I will get it done and published! For now, I was trying to spend some time talking to someone, rekindling a friendship that I thought I had lost for good. Am I stupid for caring? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I can't wait for this awkward period to pass. There are a lot of things that we both find hard to deal with. But they are all worth sorting out, because the guy is really an awesome guy. I never doubted that about him. But for now, I don't even really want to talk to him, not on a call I mean. But I do try to instant message him when I see him online. He is really busy with all the stuff going on in his life. Which is GOOD! I can't wait to be busy again. It's been too long. I guess time is the biggest struggle in interpersonal relationships and business. I don't like to just sit back and let something happen, someday. I want to do something to make it happen! I guess I am driven and I don't think time will ever cooperate with me! HAHAHAHA

So, give me a bit before I report back what is going on with the lease. I have my brother and my brother-in-law coming and helping get the place ready. I have like... my whole family coming to help out where they can. I have friends I have worked for in the past who are coming to help me get my ordering and stuff done. I am completely ready for this. I can't wait! Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks! Would you like fries with that?

REMEMBER TO BREATHE!

A lot has been going on lately. Well, for starters, I was supposed to have my lease signed and stuff, but then the Landlord was going out of town and couldn't have the lease reviewed by his lawyer in time to sign it before he left, so that was postponed until April 8th, tentatively. In the meantime, I am reading the lease, as my lawyer drafted it, and it appears that she was writing it to the benefit of the Landlord instead of my benefit! There were like, really weird provisions and stuff in there where I was giving up rights, and taking on responsibilities that I didn't want to assume. So I called this lady and chewed her ass out! I asked her how in the hell I am supposed to go back to this other lawyer and say, "Sorry, that lease draft that is in your favor, I don't really like that, so here is one in my favor now. Is that okay?" So she said she would contact the other lawyer and handle it. This is freaking ridiculous!

Well, so I got all the stuff out of the way there for now, if this guy signs the lease now. But then I also signed up for a State/City Foodservice Management Sanitation Course. I hate taking tests. It is really bad on my nerves. This is a 2 day seminar, and then I have to pass these 2 tests right after that. And then I get my license to operate in the city. BUT I HATE TESTS! So here comes yet another wicked bad test anxiety. No wonder I only went to 2 years of college. It wasn't as bad with the writing, but the tests were nerve wrecking!

I have so many things going on right after I get my lease. I have to open a business bank account and transfer all the funds I have into that account. I have to apply for all the business licenses and inspections by the health department. I have to turn on all the utilities and check all the equipment that has been lying dormant for the past 4 years. And then replace anything that isn't working or isn't up to current code. I have to buy any additional equipment and small wares. I have to make sure the entire building is up to code as far as sanitation requirements. I have to contact food purveyors and set up accounts and also get all the paper products and sanitation supplies. I have to get my sign fixed, and all my advertising underway for opening. I have to pass all the inspections. And I have to pray that it all works at getting customers to come right off! If I can do all that, I will have a successful operation! I will have a grand opening special for 3 days... and if I can gross $3,000 per day, that is more than anything I could ever hope for! That will cover all my expenses for the first 2 months of operation in 3 days! After that, I just need to breathe!

There's a lot of stuff on my plate. But it is really when I am super busy that I am super content. I have my head focused completely on everything, and I work on adrenaline. I can't wait for all this stuff to start! FINALLY!!! MY OWN SUCCESS STORY!

Aside from all this stuff, I have been spending some time like, cleaning my car out, cleaning my house up a bit, and organizing space and stuff for when I get going, so that I can have stuff in place for me to be able to track my accounts from home, on my computer when I leave for the night. There is so much more than I even listed in this blog post, as to what I have to do. But for now, I keep making to-do lists, and order sheets and it just keeps adding and adding and adding.

May 15, 2009 is my projected opening date! If I can saturate my market, within a 3 mile radius on those first 3 days, I will completely rock.

Then there is the whole internet thing. I have spent some time talking to friends and stuff online. I will completely be spending much less time online once I get going for at least the summer months. I will still be on, but not nearly as much as I had been for the past 5 months. I got so lazy and dormant. And it wasn't a good idea to go from dial-up to cable internet, because it just made it easier for me to be online 24/7. Even when I wasn't on the computer, I was online... just ghosting or unavailable.

Also, a fantastic update for anyone who has been reading my prior couple months blogs, and all the sadness I have faced; I started talking to him again. Out of some weird e-mail in response to a video he posted on YouTube, he responded and we started talking. Then the next day we laughed and talked for 4 hours and it was as amazing as I couldn't imagine. There were initially some awkward moments, but we got to talk about some really good things, and clear up some other things. The next few days since that first good chat, were sometimes sad, and riddled with debate over stuff. I don't know him at all. And in my attempt to understand, he isn't really ready to let me in to understand. So here I am, cautiously optimistic, and here he is, still getting annoyed by my idiosyncrasies and then I am trying to walk on eggshells in an effort to not piss him off, and he is sometimes in a sour mood and not willing to talk. I am hopeful that our friendship will endure this awkwardness. I don't know how long the awkwardness will prevail, but again, I am cautiously optimistic. I have made plans to get him something... it is in process, more details to come, along with a vlog... which I am preparing. Hoping to bring a smile and perhaps a tear to his face. I don't know. He doesn't show emotion as easily as I do. He prefers to keep his emotions to himself, whereas I tend to wear them on my sleeve. Only time will tell. I do have an idea of what to expect to happen when I do get him the gift and the vlog, but that is also for another post.

Until the next update, thanks for wanting to know what is going on in my life. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this next couple months.

KEYS TO THE KINGDOM

This Tuesday I am going to be (*hopefully) signing my lease for my restaurant. Quite the deal, since it will be my first time working for myself, rather than working for someone else to get rich. Today I am anxious, and afraid, and I don't know what all the feelings are in my mind, racing, overwhelmed. It is like, am I biting off more than I can chew (no pun intended)? But of course, every entrepreneurial spirit has to take risks. This one is just one of those risks. During a recession period, the best efforts are usually rewarded, so I will put in my best effort, and hope that it pays off. In the 1800's when people started growing Chicago, the best recession food was the Hot Dog! So the business I have will focus on fast food carry out. It will be a 3-5 minute service time, and they will be walking away with their food. So it is up to the neighborhood as to whether or not I will have a good business there. I will market like hell, I will smile like hell, I will hire ethnic people to the neighborhood, and I will price efficiently. Control costs, make it sanitary, pay taxes on time, make it fresh, and keep it good. All a bunch of ingredients to the ultimate fast food restaurant. Now it is up to me. Tuesday I will be handed the keys to my kingdom. And when the lease is up, I will have the option of buying the site and the building. Right now, I can only hope people will come back for more. Thank you, have a nice day!

DON'T DIVORCE US!

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.


This is an amazing video, that thankfully I got from a tweet from TehDancingJames on Twitter. Please repost this link as much as you can!!! Spread the word, that equal love is true freedom.

http://vimeo.com/3089746

Use Myspace, Facebook, Bebo, Twitter, Stickam, Skype, Youtube, or any other social networking website you use to get the word out, and EFFECT CHANGE! Thanks for helping!

YESTERDAY

Yesterday's post was rather fun, since I didn't have to write it. It was a bit of a song that inspired me to find it on Google. Just one line of a song, will open my heart. All it took was one line... "Because we belong together, now!" It is a part of a Kelly Clarkson song that speaks volumes, and if I said it, it would seem crazy or stupid. But it isn't the words that make it crazy, because everyone feels the same way. My life would suck without you. It's just the way I feel. Maybe it seems so dysfunctional... but I know that you have a part of me. And I don't want to lose that part of you. Is that so wrong? Time, space, where you are, what you're doing, and where I am and what I'm doing, are meaningless right now. I mean, it will be something to occupy my life. But I will... still hold on despite the pain... for the hope that what I feel, is not an unrequited feeling. That's all I can do. Hold onto a dream. Yesterday's dreams, today's pain, tomorrow's fears, some day's joys. It is my song today. Until I write a new song, or someone writes something better. My life will suck, until the day I see you, and you say, "It's ok, I'm glad you're here!"

MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4861175/1/We_Belong_Together_Now

We Belong Together Now

**

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not interested.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Save your breath.”

It was nighttime. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

“I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”

“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just – “

“Slipped out?” There was no pity in Lily’s voice. “It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You–Know-Who, can you?”

He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.

“I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”

“No – listen, I didn’t mean –“

“- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole….

**

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pgs 675 - 676

Lily slammed the portrait closed behind her as she stormed back into the Gryffindor common room. Mary Macdonald shook her head and steered her friend away from the dorm. If she went up like that, she’d wake them all up venting her anger. Better to do it down here in private.

“Don’t worry Lils, you’re better off without him.”

Lily crossed her arms and plopped down onto the couch, staring into the fire. “I just don’t know how he could have changed so much! How he could have become so…so bigoted!”

Mary gave a dry laugh and stared at her friend. “What does it matter? He’s a Slytherin pureblood and you’re a Gryffindor Muggleborn. You’re completely incompatible.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Mary? This rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin is completely out of hand! The houses are supposed to work together, not be constantly pitted against each other.” Lily turned to glare at her friend. “And Severus is not a pureblood. His father’s a muggle.”

She looked surprised. “Really? I didn’t think they even let half bloods into Slytherin…guess Snivellus was just evil enough to make up for it.”

“Don’t call him that!”

Mary sighed. “Lily, are you really still defending him? After what he called you?”

Lily looked into the fire again, not meeting her friend’s eyes. “I…it’s not like I’ve forgiven him. I’m not sure I ever can. But I…” She winced as she heard her friend gasp.

“You love him don’t you?” Lily’s heart skipped a beat and tears sprung into her eyes, but she just shook her head.

“Love? Of course not. We’re not even friends anymore.”

“Lils, I can’t help it if you want to lie to me. But don’t lie to yourself.”

Lily finally looked back at her friend. “Oh have you changed your mind now? You think he’s a wonderful person and we should get married?”

Mary snorted. “I should think not. He’s still a horrible Slytherin and you’re better off without him. You’ve done the smart thing by dropping him.” Lily nodded, satisfied with that answer. Mary hesitated then lightly touched the redhead’s arm. “Lils? The heart doesn’t always want the smart thing. If you really think he’s changed, maybe you can change him back. It’ll be a miracle mind you, but if anyone could do the impossible it would be you.” As Lily cried into her friend’s shoulder, she hoped it was true. Maybe she could have her old Sev back.

A week later at breakfast Lily was yawning over her eggs and bacon. She hadn’t been able to sleep well since her fight with Severus. Suddenly she saw her barn owl Serenity land on the table with a note in her beak. She instantly recognized the handwriting as Severus’.

She thanked Serenity and pushed aside her plate, letting the hungry owl snack on the bacon. Ignoring Mary’s questioning look, she opened the note, trying not to look at the Slytherin table where Severus would be no doubt watching for her reaction.

Lily,

I know you’ll probably want to burn this here and now but please don’t. Even if we aren’t friends anymore, I want you to know something.

You said that night that I’ve chosen my way. I would like to make amends for that choice. You were right, my friends and I are hoping to become death eaters. I thought following the Dark Lord would help me find a place to belong.

I was wrong.

Lily, I realize now I have a place to belong. I belong with you. We belong together, and I don’t want to live my life without you. I’m nothing without you.

I’ve already severed ties with my associates, and I want you to know that even if our friendship is truly irredeemable, I will not follow the Dark Lord. And I will never use that loathsome word again, on anyone.

I really am sorry Lils.

Severus.

Lily could feel tears burning in her eyes and she silently handed the note to Mary. She barely registered that Serenity had flown off while she’d been reading.

Had she been wrong to push him away? To start another fight? She was always the one starting fights. Her temper was famous in Gryffindor tower, everyone knew better than to make her angry.

“Wow.” Mary leaned over and hugged her friend. “When I said you could change him, I didn’t think it would happen this quickly.” She handed back the note and raised her eyebrows questioningly. “Well? Are you going to take him back?”

Lily bit her lip and shrugged one shoulder. She tucked the note into her pocket and left the table, whispering she was going to take a walk around the grounds.

As soon as Lily left, Mary stood up and went to the Slytherin table. At Severus’ questioning look, she took a deep breath and asked to speak in private. She wasn’t a Gryffindor for nothing.

He followed her out of the Great Hall and into an empty corridor nearby before asking her what she wanted.

“Listen Snape. Lily’s my best friend. I want her to be happy.”

“That’s all I want too!”

“Don’t interrupt me! Look, as much as I hate to say it, she’s not going to be happy without you. She’s been moping around the tower all week. She obviously misses you.”

“Really?” Severus almost glowed with that information, the smile on his sallow face making it look almost handsome. Mary cleared her throat and glared at him.

“Stop looking so pleased. Ugh, Lily owes me big time for this. Listen Snape, she’s out on the grounds and –“

Severus didn’t even wait for her to finish the sentence. He blew out of the corridor after his love. Mary shook her head and pulled her blond hair into a ponytail before following the star-crossed lovers outside.

“Lily! Lily, please wait!” Lily stopped with a sigh and looked back at her former best friend as he caught up to her.

“Sev, we’ve been through this –“

“Lily, don’t deny it! You know we belong together.”

“It’s too dysfunctional.”

“You miss me.”

“I shouldn’t.”

“I can’t let you go Lily. Not without a fight.” She looked in his eyes and gasped at the pain she saw there. She knew he’d see the same in her eyes. “You’re part of me Lily, just as I am part of you. And I am so sorry that I’ve caused this rift between us. I love you.”

She laughed and he felt his heart stop. “I love you too Sev. I didn’t realize it before, but I always have.” Severus smiled as his heart started once more, though now it was going too fast.

And when they came together in a kiss full of passion and love, it was like someone had set off a whole case of Filbuster’s fireworks. They never wanted to part again. Only their need for oxygen could have parted them at that point.

“Sev?” asked Lily later that day, as they were sitting under a tree looking over the lake.

“Yes, Lily?” He smiled as he looked into her brilliant green eyes.

“What was it that made you decide to change?” He thought over his words before quietly answering.

“I was faced with never being your friend again. I didn’t want to live my life without you.”

“Because you loved me?”

“Yes of course, and…”

She sat up straighter, her curiosity peaked. “What? What else?”

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

“I have the feeling my life would absolutely suck without you.” She laughed and kissed him lightly.

“Then it’s a good thing we won’t have to find out. Because I do believe my life would suck without you too.”

Lyrics to ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’ by Kelly Clarson.

Guess this means you're sorry

You're standing at my door

Guess this means you take back

All you said before

Like how much you wanted

Anyone but me

Said you'd never come back

But here you are again

Cause we belong together now, yeah

Forever united here somehow, yeah

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye

Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight

I know that I've got issues

But you're pretty messed up too

Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah

Forever united here somehow, yeah

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional

I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go

Oh yeah

Cause we belong together now, yeah

Forever united here somehow, yeah

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah

Forever united here somehow, yeah

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH

It always gets me that February is a short month. I never know when it has 28 or 29 days. It confuses me. I think it was like, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012 or something like that. But I do love March, because it is the sign that the snow is going to end soon. And spring can resume with its raining down on us, with fresh flowers in April and May, and then summer can come with the hot summer nights, and sweet romances. Full moons, moonlit walks on the beach or in the park and lightning bugs filling the sky's in June and July. The winter cold is quickly turning, and I get excited by March.

It is also a time when I look back at the winter blahs as a time when I can look back at the time I just stayed in, because it was too cold to venture out to have fun! I can do that again! I don't have to be a slave to the internet anymore, because there is more to do in the city than I had time or inclination to do while it was just too cold out to do. I didn't want to clean off the snow from my car, or freeze my nuts off in the crisp winter air, waiting to get into a club.

March will always be indelibly marked as the line from that play I learned in 8th grade, about Julius Caesar, "Beware the Ides of March." That was the day that Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 B.C. after declaring himself the dictator of Rome. The Ides of March actually denotes the 15th of March.

So yeah, March is a time I look forward to new beginnings. Reflecting on the past, and looking forward to new things. Good things. Positive things. I will be getting my job soon, so I will begin saving up for the trip to New Zealand and hopefully Emma can come with me! I can't wait until next winter now, to see that country in all of its splendor. I have even managed to check into flights and costs, so I can map out the journey, where I'd like to visit, and what sights I would like to see. I have my guide book, and my culture book on the country. I suppose I should have taken a closer look at that before I started talking to a couple New Zealander's and offended? I don't know.

I am not beating myself up about it anymore. It makes no sense to do so. All I can do is look forward... not behind me. March is a good month.

April Fools Day will be so much fun to blog about... if you don't know, it will be a surprise. Be prepared to be fooled! :-)

I GIVE UP

I've tried to believe it was something that I did or said, and maybe it was. But in the end, it doesn't matter at all. Nothing I do or say will ever make what he feels different. If I say anything, he got upset, and hostile. If I didn't say anything, I felt as if I was just giving up on someone I cared about. He has been fucked completely by circumstances in his life. His age, his recent traumatic event at his holiday get away (which I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR), his just coming to terms with his own identity, with the whole distance thing, with my overly passionate self... it is just sad, that I lost a person I cherished, and valued more than so many who have come into my life before. It matters, but it doesn't.

Someone asked me, "Do I want to get over him? Or do I not want to?" I don't think it matters anymore, because he wants me to.

Today, I feel like, I've failed miserably here. At life, at everything. But I didn't. It just is what it is. Nothing I could do or say will ever change that. But yeah, I will never forget him.

TWO WORLDS!

Music: Phil Collins
Lyrics: Phil Collins

Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this world blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feet now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

MY VALENTINE!

This was my feeble attempt at reconciliation with a friend who I cared for deeply. Unfortunately, after my "secret identity" was disclosed, the video was deleted, the flowers were probably trashed, the candy was probably thrown up, and the teddy's stuffing was probably stabbed out of it. Sorry for the audio, it was poorly done, by the camera man, but I annotated as best as I could so that you could read what he was actually saying. He had a smile on his face about the gift for all of a week, then threatened to "contact the authorities" if I attempted to communicate with him again (tit-wank). :-( HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!

AMENDMENT: (March 30, 2009 US/March 31, 2009 NZ) TO ALL THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ENDURED MY PAIN FOR THE PAST COUPLE MONTHS... BLOG POSTS WERE PRETTY SAD... I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS... COS... YEAH, HE AND I ARE FINALLY TALKING AGAIN... SO GRATEFUL THAT HE IS STILL MY FRIEND... AND SO GRATEFUL... FOR A RECONCILIATION. THAT WAS JUST DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH THIS PAST COUPLE MONTHS. I VALUE FRIENDSHIP WITH THOSE IN MY LIFE ENOUGH TO TRY ALL I COULD TO KEEP THEM THERE REGARDLESS OF WHO WAS AT FAULT OR WHAT WAS SAID TO WHOM... AND I VALUE ALL OF YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WAYS. THANKS!

AMENDMENT: (April 8, 2009) IMAGINE THAT, THAT WAS QUICK. REACTIONS FROM SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING TO HIM (AND SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER SPOKEN TO ME ONCE, AT THAT), MADE HIM DECIDE TO ASK ME TO REMOVE THIS VIDEO... HAHA. IDFC ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE, EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS SO AS NOT TO OFFEND HIM, HE IS GOING TO BE OFFENDED BY SOMETHING!!! PEOPLE LIKE TO CAUSE DRAMA, AND HE LISTENS TO THEM. SO SOPHOMORIC. LOL ANYWAYS, CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO ARGUE ANYMORE ABOUT IT SO I REMOVED THE VIDEO. SORRY.


FINAL ANALYSIS: (APRIL 21, 2009) http://theoneandonly-niko.blogspot.com/2009/04/dsm-iv-tr-npd-my-weakness.html GO TO THIS POST TO SEE WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING WITH THIS PERSON. AND BEWARE THE NARCISSISTS IN YOUR LIFE. THEY WILL SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. Sorry I still can't unlock the video for this blog post. I don't say one thing and do another thing. ACTUALLY... screw that I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE HIS FACE ON MY BLOGSPOT... I CAN COMPLETELY DELETE THAT THING NOW!

COPY PASTE - SADFACE

I guess I am not the only one... One of his friends posted this in her blog just a bit ago. So, I thought I would share it with you in case you felt the same way that she did, and I do. Hope you like it, if not, deal with it.

i am quite sure that i am slowly
but definitely, ruining
any chance of you
ever liking me
as much as
i like you.
just by
being
juno.



/sadface

Monday, February 16, 2009
Posted by Junoluvsu at 8:34 PM

I've read this post like, 100 times since then. Thanks for showing me that what I am feeling isn't unique to me.

VALENTINE'S DAY WISHES

For all of you who have someone in your life, who means something to them, I hope you will enjoy this day and keep remembering all the good that they mean to you. Cherish, preserve, and protect this person and your relationship with them by letting them you know you care. Nobody hates flowers, candy, or stuffed teddy bears. Well, almost nobody.

I hate thinking that nothing I could do would make a difference. But I guess, I am still the same person that they think me to be. This particular blog post may be edited in the future to add stuff, not sure as of yet. For me, this Valentine's Day sucks.

GET REAL!

Another one of my favorite love stories, portrayed by a brilliant and handsome Ben Silverstone. This is one movie I suggest anyone who is ever afraid of the idea of loving someone should watch...





Sorry for being so sappy here, but it's just the mood I am in. Sadly, this movie is not being distributed in the US anymore, PLEASE CONTACT THE FILM'S DISTRIBUTION COMPANY TO ASK THEM TO RE-RELEASE IT! In the meantime, it will unfortunately cost us upwards of $70 USD to get a copy here in the US on AMAZON. It is still reasonably priced for PAL systems in the UK and other countries abroad.

THE STARFISH STORY

adapted from The Star Thrower
by Loren Eiseley
1907 - 1977

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "I made a difference to that one!"




Few stories have gained internet popularity the way "The Star Thrower" has. Most often it's sighted as "author unknown," but it is actually a classic from 1979 written by Loren Eiseley, who has been hailed as a modern day Henry David Thoreau.

Loren Eiseley was both a scientist and a poet, and to this day his writing is the subject of much discussion and inspiration. In this story he is the "wise man" touched by the innocence and determination of another soul.

"The Star Thrower" is a classic story of the power within each one of us to make a difference in the lives of others. And though it has appeared in many forms (sometimes it's a native american man who is throwing the starfish into the sea, sometimes it's a grandfather, or a young girl or boy) it is none the less a powerful reminder that we should be here for each other, and to seek to help, even in small ways, whenever we can.

In such turbulent times as these, when we may feel alone and small and unable to make any lasting changes we may find ourselves asking "What can I do that will make a difference?" or "What can one small person like me do?"

In reality we don't have to be rich, talented or even particularly intelligent to make a difference in the life of another. We just need to remember that we ARE here for a purpose, and that making small changes in the world eventually add up to something bigger in the life of another.

When we become throwers of the stars, we too, have the power to change the world

GIVE ME YOUR EYES

A beautiful prayer for all those I have lost. I'm sorry. I wish I could get you all to understand why...





I love you all. Time will make all things right, I pray. I won't lose my eyes for all of you, to continue to be as compassionate for those around me as I can be, and never to lose my heart for the broken hearted. I hope you will all remember a good person when you see me in your hearts. If you see any less, I can understand. I never meant to be perfect in anyone's eyes, but I could be no less than 100 % totally, me. <3

DAY BY DAY

I've managed to sleep a bit more over the past few days. I suppose it would be easier if I slept at night instead of during the day. But I can adjust that time in a while. For now, it's just good that I am getting some sleep. I've cried less today than yesterday. And I suppose the scars will be here for a while. The wounds on my heart have yet to heal. I want to always leave my heart vulnerable to being pierced. I don't ever want to feel calloused, so much that I don't feel anything anymore. I know people who are like that.

I spoke with a friend of his last night. I don't know what good it did, other than give me a different perspective to what he has been thinking about. He hadn't mentioned anything to this person about me. However, he had mentioned a bit about his direction in life. And the paths that are frightening to go down. My being on that path probably scared the crap out of him, because it seemed as if he was embarking on something he was unsure of whether he was ready for in the first place. So whether he did like me or not in the first place, he just like everyone at one point of their life, is growing to understand who he is and what he wants. So it makes it that much less painful to think it was all about me, and just more about him determining what it is he wants in life.

It could have been easier if he had told me that to begin with. Perhaps he had, but I was so wrapped up in the newness and my own feelings at the time, that I was deafened by my own thoughts and flooding emotions when I met him. I don't know all of what the future holds. For me, or him, independently or not. But I do have a direction in my life. Whether that leads me to change down the line, still, I don't know. I may very well, whether we interact or not, still visit Auckland... For me. It will be because I want to enjoy the country there. I have always wanted to see it. And if it is the place I can find comfort in, I will. Whether or not he chooses to see me, as anything more or less... is completely up to him. But nothing will change my thoughts of him being as good a person as I originally saw in him. I am about to find peace with it, but the scars will never go away. I want the memory of my friend... the good ones anyways, albeit short lived.

THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB

I'm sorry, I don't have the link to this movie trailer anymore. I deleted my y
YouTube account which was hosting it. I don't know where to find a decent trailer on the internet at the present time, but I can suggest going to IMDB and searching for it.

I don't know how in the world it happened, but somehow, a friend told me about this movie when I was going to school. It turned out to be the most amazing movie I have ever seen. It's characters are all amazingly real. It is as if I was each and every one of them at some point of my life... *barring the female roles. But it makes being gay, more bearable... knowing you have friends who are in the same place you are. When you can find friends like these, it just makes it easier. For anyone, straight, bi, gay, lesbian, or just completely confused, this is a really great movie to watch. Not to mention, it is a sexy date movie! Have fun, sometimes I will broadcast for my friends on the BlogTV channel, so come watch with me. I have seen this movie for like the bajillionth time but I am always ready to watch it again. Just ask! I will share it with you too!

Have fun! By the way, BestBuy had it on sale for like $15. And the most I have ever seen it was like $25 or something, so go online, if you like it. I usually buy a couple at a time, to give one to a friend who I think would appreciate it. Hope you will too!

MY WORD-MY PASSION

Imagine, an artist, looking at a blank canvas of a piece of art in his minds eye. Imagine, a composer, looking at a blank piece of lines on a page where the notes and squiggly lines will be placed delicately in between those lines. Imagine, a dancer, walking onto a waxed floor of an empty dance hall, picturing the choreography of the music he is listening to, in his head. Now, looking at the dimensions of the dance floor, and the freedom (s)he has to create at will, and all the adjustments made during the course of that choreography until the piece finally flows. Imagine, a chef, walking into the filled cooler, about which he is preparing the night's specials. Imagine, the coffee barista, selecting the beans (s)he is about to grind, damp, and place in the machine for the next perfect cup, made to order. Imagine, the teacher, on the first day of school, prior to the class filling up with students, the empty chairs and the sounds of laughter echoing in the halls. Imagine, the mother or the father, looking at that beautiful child in their arms, just delivered and resting comfortably, pink faced and eyes wide open. How can we not face the future prospect of any of these passions and belittle their power, or their ability to create new life, energy, love, fire in our spirit. It is the woven fabric of each life we interact with.

Imagine now, if you will, a blank screen on a blog post. Or imagine a blank piece of paper, or an empty message box for an e-mail, or the word processor with a blank cursor flashing in the first spot on the first page. Or any place someone who writes uses to express emotion. It is that way for me. I may not always write coherently or my words may not always be appreciated, as I guess, some may not look at the guy who makes your cup of coffee, or the person who teaches you your lesson at school each day, or the artist who spent the hours producing the work which now hangs on your living room wall collecting dust. Do you even know the artist's name in the lower right corner? Or the chef who spends years experimenting with flavors, and preparing sauces to make a dish whetting our appetites. That song will be stuck in your head for decades into your future, and you will smell a scent or look at something that will immediately bring those words into your mind again, and you will remember the first time you heard it when you thought about that person. The hours of practice to get a dance number right, before a performance, and all the extra work behind the scenes that make that recital, or play or performance go off with relatively no hitch. How often do we go and thank an old teacher, from elementary school or high school or e-mail a former professor to say thank you? How often do we thank our parents (aside from the major holidays)? And when do we just recognize the flowers? The garden was made with the hands of someone who painstakingly got thorn pricks as they cut the roses to sell at the corner florists for someone to give to you. Look around you today. Don't try to think too much about your life... but think of the people around you in your busy day to day, and begin to appreciate the little things, sacrifices made, and passions fulfilled in everyday life.

It is just this post, from my heart to you, that I hope inspired that thought.

THE END OF AN ERA?

In all I do or say, I am completely sincere. I hide nothing of who I am or what I believe, so people can choose to like me or dislike me, but I don't set out to upset the natural flow of anyone's own belief system, or their perceptions.

I debate for my life. I disclose intimate details of my life to describe how I came to conclusions about why I am who I am. And I make absolutely NO APOLOGIES as to who I am! If you don't agree, we can agree to disagree, but I try earnestly to not judge anyone for their beliefs or their way of thinking. I just debate for the sake of sharing my views and in order to either prove or disprove my own core faiths.

I don't have intent on hurting anyone EVER! And people talk about karma coming back on others who have done me wrong, but somewhere, karma got the wrong guy... cos I am constantly being berated by people I give chance after chance to only to be completely FUCKED by them in the end. I had a friend who I trusted, and found him to be untrustworthy. And like I said in my previous blogs, and in tune with how I carry my life out, I extended forgiveness to him, and a hand of reconciliation to him in the hopes of restoring my faith in the "good" potential I saw in him. He told me he was a bad person. But I kept seeing the potential for him to just grow up and be a better person.

Finally, I met someone who was quite extraordinary, and in the process of introducing my new friend to my other friends, he took a liking to one particular friend, the one I had my trust issues with. And I set out from the beginning telling him to be wary of his influence. I informed him of my personal trust issues with this person, but that warning was ignored. Now, I come to find that my "forgiven friend" had been planting seeds of destruction in this new friendship I had made to utterly destroy it. And in the end, some of the characterizations I had made about me were so completely sick and based on the falsehoods of one person to another.

I'm a bit disgusted, but ultimately, believe that in time, the spots or the colors will be revealed and the person this shattered friend became to me, and that he will see the truth of the other's nature. I feel badly how easily my faith in people could be so easily swayed by one incident, but you just don't know how much I tried to trust one person and how easily they plotted to ruin my friendship with the other. It was a truly disturbing event, and I am saddened to hear the characterizations and assassinations made to me by the newer friend, who I held such high esteem for, but in time, these wounds will also pass. I care deeply for those who I know and only my truest friends understand that I was completely clear of wrongdoing in this circumstance, because they have a clear understanding of EVERYTHING which occurred and know how the lies were spread and we all know the motivations of the evil that spread.

James, if you ever do read this someday, it's o.k. to think what you did, or say what you said, it was based on falsehoods you could have seen had you looked at your own heart, rather than listening to someone you knew I didn't trust. I was not looking out for myself by blocking him, I was looking out for you. I don't think you could understand that, but in time, I hope you will. If you ever... care for a friend as much as I did care for you, you will always know, I never blocked you. So you can find my email address, or such, and speak to me someday again. I will ALWAYS be here... praying for a day that you will see the spirit you saw in me from the very first time we spoke, and the very first time we Skyped again...

You were NEVER... a potential "fuck-buddy" in my eyes. And if you think that was all I ever thought of you, you are sorely mistaken. For now, though, live your life to its fullest. I hope for you all the best. And I pray for one reconciliation more than any other I have EVER prayed for in my life.