I haven't really written in a little while. My Christmas is about to be inundated with family, food, presents, and just a miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Missing those people who I wish I could spend time with this holiday. People I wish I could even just call (but can't), just to say, "Merry Christmas, and I'm thinking of you." I dislike Christmas time for the following reasons:
1) Christmas - People forget that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Savior. It is more about the gift of that perfect sacrifice for my sin, to make me right with God. No longer do we need to sacrifice a lamb on the day of atonement from Jewish Law in order to forgive sins, as Christ has come to take away the sin of the world. Wow! How can we compare any toy or clothes or gift card or cash with the gift of love so deep that God would send His son to earth, to DIE FOR ME???
2) Christmas - Way too commercial. Everyone is worried about the economic crisis in our country, and the most valuable indicator of how bad our economy is will be the seasonal purchases for gifting. It is sad that our global economy is also affected by this one holiday of gift-giving. We make it all about giving, but is it really? Look at # 3.
3) We are not giving without expectation of receiving. We look at Christmas, and we think, "oh, how wonderful that we can go buy these presents to give everyone," but at the end of the night, people are really looking at the expectation of receiving more than the gifting they did. This is not altruistic at all. We all look for the presents under the tree with our name on it, in anticipation that it will be exactly what we asked for. We even give our list to everyone, in hopes that they love us enough to spend the money on that one that is like... really special? How can we look at wanting to receive and then giving with the expectation of receiving in return? It isn't a gift if we forget that giving without expectation of receiving something is the gift. The difference is in the heart. When you give to someone with the expectation of some reward, or gift in return, then it is called bartering. We do that at work. We go to work hour after hour, day after day, with the expectation that we will receive a paycheck at the end of the week. YEAH, it is the same thing! If you really want to know what giving sacrificially means, go give all the things you just got from presents to a homeless shelter. Pass out the toys, clothes, cash and gift cards you just got to those who will know no other generosity of spirit this holiday season. That is where you will see how much your gift will matter.
4) When we have someone in our lives that we really want to be there with us, but we can't be there with them, then how can you really be as happy? Yeah, family is there with you all year long (at least in my family, we make it a regular occurrence to see each other often throughout the year), but when you don't see someone who you hold dear in your heart, it sucks! I am talking about those people you have had a falling out with, people you regret having said something to that hurt their feelings (and you know it), people that you really do care about and would rather know than not know. Those people who were a blessing to have known for however long you have, and you can't enjoy this Christmas blessing with them, that is what makes this holiday season really painful for me. And then you think of those we have lost to illness or death, like my brother or my dad. For some reason, we pull out the old video's of them at the holidays, and I can't sit in the room to watch that. It is really painful to not be able to share that time with them. I will be able to see them soon, someday when I get to heaven with them. But for now, all I have are memories. Not to mention, my dad died in November one year, and my brother died on the 17th of December the following year. So being so close to the holidays, it just sucks honoring their memories year after year at the same time... again... so close to this joyous time.
5) Christmas is misinterpreted as a holiday for kids. Santa Clause, or Saint Nicholas was this guy who was just showing the gift giving spirit by giving to those good little boys and girls a present at this time of year. But everyone was honored in this tradition. And when Saint Nicholas did it, he did it without any expectation of having anything given to him in return. He actually had the right idea. It would be nice if we all had that giving spirit. Young and old, give until it hurts. Give beyond your excesses. Give from your heart, without any expectation of receiving. Yes, it is more blessed to give than to receive. And I am not saying don't take anything that someone is giving you from their heart. Because you are actually, by taking the gift, allowing the giver to feel blessed for giving. So why would you not let them be blessed by giving you something. I am just saying, don't expect anything. Don't go around asking people what they want. Don't put together a list of what you want. Rather, just think of how you can give until it hurts, from the heart, and what that person would appreciate coming from you. Don't think of whether they would be happy with your particular tastes in gifts, because some people just don't have good taste when picking out gifts, everyone knows someone who just doesn't know how to shop for someone. And that is when you have to realize that it is really the thought that counts. But when you find that it is always the thought that counts, you are really getting the gifting spirit. You can't ask someone what they want and then get that for them, you have to actually think about what would make them smile, what would make them think of you, and how you can make someone happy. That is the spirit.
This year I remember the Christ of Christmas, and the most sacrificial gift God gave me through His son. I don't put much faith in global economies, but rather in the community life and community spirit of sharing. I give sacrificially with no expectation of receiving. I miss those who have touched my heart and can't share the day with me. I pray for them, and also pray they are thinking of me as well. I pray for reconciliation some day soon. I think about those who I have lost to death or illness. And I give until it hurts from the heart. I don't try to figure out what someone wants as much as I try to think of how I can make a heart happy by thinking about the person they mean to me.
This year I was blessed to be able to give someone some theater tickets that were really good. The cost was a lot more than the face value of the tickets but it was so worth it to know that he will enjoy that show more than anything in the world. His favorite obsession in the world is this show and I hope he will take the memory of me with him when he goes to see it. Because we don't talk anymore, sadly. And I will today cherish those who have distance between us. My friend in California, who I haven't seen in 6 years, but have talked to practically every day since we left P-town. My friend from high school who is now a youth pastor in Georgia. My brother and his family in Georgia and my other brother and his family in Alabama. My heart will miss my friend who is in jail in Florida. I just wrote him a letter to encourage him this year. It really has to suck to be locked up during the holidays. I have no idea what that could possibly feel like. But he drew me a Christmas card and I was so floored by that, that he was thinking of me this holiday season while he was in jail, wow! Steven, you rock man. Friends left behind in Georgia and Athens, and Cape Cod and Worcester, Massachusetts, Minnesota, and anyone I may not have mentioned here. Wow! This is the stuff I really love about Christmas. The thoughts of people who I hold so dear. And what they mean to me.
I guess, if I had kids, or even if on Christmas, it wasn't so... congested with false sentiment, and just shared among loved ones... if it wasn't so... unnatural, and just real... I think I would like Christmas a bit more. I guess if I could spend Christmas with one or two people... rather than the 30 I am about to, it would be a more... intimate time... a special time... that meant more to me. I love the holiday season, just not what we tend to make of it.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
TAKING OFF THE MASKS
Lied? Even if it was unintentional, everyone has told lies to other people. Everyone has tried to live with some sense of honesty, as a value to respect, to hold dear, to want to aspire to be, trustworthy. There is always the time when you want to hold back some information, to let people believe or continue to believe in what they feel more comfortable with, rather than telling the truth, or outright lying to hide some facet of your life. You don't live in a bubble. There is no way possible that you can go through life with no blame, or no innocence.
You can not tell me that there is nothing that you did that would ever be so innocent that if your "truth" was out there, people would not look differently... as if there is no longer anything that you say or have said that was really true. Even if you gave all you could... nothing could undo that lie. It happened. You have to move forward. You have to recognize that you are not blameless, even if your "truths" are less drastic, or less important in your eyes... there is something that you know that is true in all the rest you know about someone, that you can definitely overlook the lie. You just have to. Or you will continue to have trust issues, because EVERYONE has a dark side. Everyone has been untrue in some way. Everyone is a jerk in their own way. Everyone can be a bitch sometimes. Everyone can walk away and not give another thought to it or to the bond that was made... thinking they took the moral high road, but that doesn't help you to know that there is a lot of trust that someone puts into telling you their truth someday... That in order to reveal the truth, one has to have complete faith that you will forgive them. And one has to know the risk of losing something so dear to them, that the truth should not be as significant, or life shattering. In order to share that truth, someone has to know that the bonds you have are real to them. And someone has to pray that you will be able to forgive, and to trust that there is more to them than the truth that was hidden from you.
For whatever reason, we all hide our "faces" from plain view. We all want to see an ideal. We all have a mask on. We all hide. Therefore we all show only that which is appealing to others. Sometimes, we show too much of ourselves, and that often puts people off. But when you can accept that of others, what they are really about, the transparent part, and they can accept you despite your flaws or idiosyncrasies, then isn't the lie worth looking past? There is so much more to someone than the skeletons in their closet. Please love the part of someone that you know you have love for... despite the masks that are coming off.
Transparency in someone has more to do with what you see in them than how they appear. When you read a book, you don't do it by the cover, you do it by digging into the plot. And when you have a book that you don't want to put down, you won't put it down. I hope you won't put this book down, there is such a good ending coming up. I do believe in happily ever afters. Despite the ups and downs that everyone goes through along the way. There is a forever out there. And the masks being revealed are not a way of hiding from you, but a way of giving you the good with the bad. Can you look past the limits you have to keep reading the story? It is a good story. There are parts that are sad, and hurtful, but there are so many happy moments. There are so many heart warming moments, and exciting spontaneous moments. There are so many good plot lines in this book. And there are so many chapters left to write together. Write the rest together. Don't put the book on a shelf to get dusty. Let the masks come off, their masks and yours.
I remember watching a television show. There was a blind girl who fell in love with someone, who saw her blindness as a disability at first, and didn't know if he could look past that blindness, until he finally realized the blindness didn't show who the girl was really. But when he finally fell in love with her, she found out that he was a white man. And being black, she rejected the idea of looking at the racial differences and stopped seeing the man. How utterly disturbing that people can let go of a mask and let go of all the good behind the person when the mask is taken off.
You can not tell me that there is nothing that you did that would ever be so innocent that if your "truth" was out there, people would not look differently... as if there is no longer anything that you say or have said that was really true. Even if you gave all you could... nothing could undo that lie. It happened. You have to move forward. You have to recognize that you are not blameless, even if your "truths" are less drastic, or less important in your eyes... there is something that you know that is true in all the rest you know about someone, that you can definitely overlook the lie. You just have to. Or you will continue to have trust issues, because EVERYONE has a dark side. Everyone has been untrue in some way. Everyone is a jerk in their own way. Everyone can be a bitch sometimes. Everyone can walk away and not give another thought to it or to the bond that was made... thinking they took the moral high road, but that doesn't help you to know that there is a lot of trust that someone puts into telling you their truth someday... That in order to reveal the truth, one has to have complete faith that you will forgive them. And one has to know the risk of losing something so dear to them, that the truth should not be as significant, or life shattering. In order to share that truth, someone has to know that the bonds you have are real to them. And someone has to pray that you will be able to forgive, and to trust that there is more to them than the truth that was hidden from you.
For whatever reason, we all hide our "faces" from plain view. We all want to see an ideal. We all have a mask on. We all hide. Therefore we all show only that which is appealing to others. Sometimes, we show too much of ourselves, and that often puts people off. But when you can accept that of others, what they are really about, the transparent part, and they can accept you despite your flaws or idiosyncrasies, then isn't the lie worth looking past? There is so much more to someone than the skeletons in their closet. Please love the part of someone that you know you have love for... despite the masks that are coming off.
Transparency in someone has more to do with what you see in them than how they appear. When you read a book, you don't do it by the cover, you do it by digging into the plot. And when you have a book that you don't want to put down, you won't put it down. I hope you won't put this book down, there is such a good ending coming up. I do believe in happily ever afters. Despite the ups and downs that everyone goes through along the way. There is a forever out there. And the masks being revealed are not a way of hiding from you, but a way of giving you the good with the bad. Can you look past the limits you have to keep reading the story? It is a good story. There are parts that are sad, and hurtful, but there are so many happy moments. There are so many heart warming moments, and exciting spontaneous moments. There are so many good plot lines in this book. And there are so many chapters left to write together. Write the rest together. Don't put the book on a shelf to get dusty. Let the masks come off, their masks and yours.
I remember watching a television show. There was a blind girl who fell in love with someone, who saw her blindness as a disability at first, and didn't know if he could look past that blindness, until he finally realized the blindness didn't show who the girl was really. But when he finally fell in love with her, she found out that he was a white man. And being black, she rejected the idea of looking at the racial differences and stopped seeing the man. How utterly disturbing that people can let go of a mask and let go of all the good behind the person when the mask is taken off.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
SHALLOW GRAVE OF HUMANITY
I am getting to the place in my life where it just seems as if the rest is all uphill. I am almost to the mid-life point. I am left to wonder if it is all just shit, or can one person make a difference. I don’t know how I came into this world. I don’t know how I lasted. And I don’t know when I am going to leave. But I have contemplated the chances I have taken and the circumstances I have lived with that I should have been snuffed out. I never died, and that leaves me to wonder how significant my life will be. In my faith, I know that my purpose in life has not been fulfilled yet. I feel as if I was spared from major disease, although I have definitely put myself at risk. And I was spared from death, although there have been times that I should surely have died.
What makes it most difficult for me is that I don’t just get through life, I analyze it to death. I worry, I agonize, I look optimistically in some aspects of the future, and pessimistically in others. I don’t have a clue what the future holds. There is no certainty in life. Even death is uncertain to me. I don’t know what else I can trust in besides my faith. That has been the only thing that has given me strength when I was weak. Faith has been the only thing that has made a dismal outlook seem somewhat tolerable. And it is that faith that gives me hope that somewhere in time, when all else is hopeless, there will be something that will bring me to the next day.
What I would like to see, is a happier day. I have had the fortune of experiencing real joy for brief moments. And life isn’t always one big party. I know that. But what I don’t know is why. I wish I could not let things get to me. Why was I so cursed with this raging mind that just never seems to stop thinking about things? I think about how I can make a difference. I think about what people think, and how they react, what makes them feel, do they feel. I think about how to change people’s attitudes and how to help them adapt to a healthier or more loving attitude. There seems to be so much hatred in the world. There seems to me that some evil is penetrating to the very individual souls, which like an infection, spreads to other souls. It hurts me to see the spread of hatred, but it is almost universal and so is a quest to be better than the other person. It seems that power, money, material gain, toys, outweigh peace, joy, solitude, character, and integrity.
When I think about what I can do, I think it’s a hopeless situation. And it frustrates me that I can try and try and try. And at best, my efforts are noble. But they are seen as naïve. I may be naïve, but I am so far from unintelligent. I get it. I don’t want to sometimes. Because when people take for granted the lightness I try to give, it hurts more than anything. When my confidence in someone is built on faith, and then broken on a lie, at a whim, it hurts. I make attempts at drawing out of people the sensitivity, and the compassion, and the character that I know is there. Some don’t see it in themselves because they were not given that from birth and instead, the compassion I show is seen not as strength of character but as a weakness or a character flaw. In their sense of building a wall, a defense mechanism, they build themselves up and reason that it is better off at the top. Instead, humanity is spiraling into a shallow grave.
What makes it most difficult for me is that I don’t just get through life, I analyze it to death. I worry, I agonize, I look optimistically in some aspects of the future, and pessimistically in others. I don’t have a clue what the future holds. There is no certainty in life. Even death is uncertain to me. I don’t know what else I can trust in besides my faith. That has been the only thing that has given me strength when I was weak. Faith has been the only thing that has made a dismal outlook seem somewhat tolerable. And it is that faith that gives me hope that somewhere in time, when all else is hopeless, there will be something that will bring me to the next day.
What I would like to see, is a happier day. I have had the fortune of experiencing real joy for brief moments. And life isn’t always one big party. I know that. But what I don’t know is why. I wish I could not let things get to me. Why was I so cursed with this raging mind that just never seems to stop thinking about things? I think about how I can make a difference. I think about what people think, and how they react, what makes them feel, do they feel. I think about how to change people’s attitudes and how to help them adapt to a healthier or more loving attitude. There seems to be so much hatred in the world. There seems to me that some evil is penetrating to the very individual souls, which like an infection, spreads to other souls. It hurts me to see the spread of hatred, but it is almost universal and so is a quest to be better than the other person. It seems that power, money, material gain, toys, outweigh peace, joy, solitude, character, and integrity.
When I think about what I can do, I think it’s a hopeless situation. And it frustrates me that I can try and try and try. And at best, my efforts are noble. But they are seen as naïve. I may be naïve, but I am so far from unintelligent. I get it. I don’t want to sometimes. Because when people take for granted the lightness I try to give, it hurts more than anything. When my confidence in someone is built on faith, and then broken on a lie, at a whim, it hurts. I make attempts at drawing out of people the sensitivity, and the compassion, and the character that I know is there. Some don’t see it in themselves because they were not given that from birth and instead, the compassion I show is seen not as strength of character but as a weakness or a character flaw. In their sense of building a wall, a defense mechanism, they build themselves up and reason that it is better off at the top. Instead, humanity is spiraling into a shallow grave.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
HOW DON'T YOU KNOW ME?
I have always been a transparent person. When you see me, you see everything I am, because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have had shameful moments in my past, and I have done things that I would have changed given different circumstances or life experiences, but those same life experiences and circumstances, and my reactions to them have all made me believe what I believe today about the world around me. And I have no problem expressing my feelings about those beliefs or how I view the world around me. One chief way I try to do this is by writing this blog. I have never held back some emotion or raw feeling I have gone through in order to spare my feelings. I have in private conversations, shared really personal details of events which have shaped my way of thinking and which have made me a stronger person. And when someone chooses, they can ask me almost anything they want and I will ultimately share those experiences with anyone (within reason and recollection).
So how don't you know me? You don't spend the time or energy, or you don't have the inclination to get to know me, or to allow me to get to know you. In order for someone to share intimate moments (no, I am not talking about sexual intimacy), someone has to give and take in real conversation about how life is viewed. You have to share your heart, in order to find someone who shares your commonalities in beliefs or prospective dreams for the future. You have to give the opportunity for disappointment when you hear truths and you have to continue to trust, learn to give, and learn most importantly to forgive wrongs.
You have to be able to let someone know you and have the willingness to know that person beyond what you would expect, because the unexpected will have to be dealt with in your own way of thinking. Especially if something someone believes is contrary to your own beliefs or convictions. How do you as a political Republican find commonality with a political Democrat? Or how do you as a follower of the Jewish faith, fall in love with someone who is a Lutheran Christian? How can one who is fully 40 years old, with the heart of a 20 year old find common sense in falling in love with someone half his age? But all of these things happen, and they happen in the most unique circumstances. But without communication which is dependent on the other's giving of themselves, there is no growth. Relationships become stagnant or worse, break apart dramatically.
How don't you know me? When all you have to do is ask... I will tell you whatever you want to know. But don't be afraid to share who you are with me, because I am totally interested in knowing you as well.
Perhaps you know me too well, perhaps we have more in common than you think. Perhaps we think alike, and even have the same stubbornness when we look at each other and have an argument. Yeah, I can be thick at times. But it isn't because I think I'm automatically right, more than I know that salvaging a friendship is more important to me than anything in the world.
So how don't you know me? You don't spend the time or energy, or you don't have the inclination to get to know me, or to allow me to get to know you. In order for someone to share intimate moments (no, I am not talking about sexual intimacy), someone has to give and take in real conversation about how life is viewed. You have to share your heart, in order to find someone who shares your commonalities in beliefs or prospective dreams for the future. You have to give the opportunity for disappointment when you hear truths and you have to continue to trust, learn to give, and learn most importantly to forgive wrongs.
You have to be able to let someone know you and have the willingness to know that person beyond what you would expect, because the unexpected will have to be dealt with in your own way of thinking. Especially if something someone believes is contrary to your own beliefs or convictions. How do you as a political Republican find commonality with a political Democrat? Or how do you as a follower of the Jewish faith, fall in love with someone who is a Lutheran Christian? How can one who is fully 40 years old, with the heart of a 20 year old find common sense in falling in love with someone half his age? But all of these things happen, and they happen in the most unique circumstances. But without communication which is dependent on the other's giving of themselves, there is no growth. Relationships become stagnant or worse, break apart dramatically.
How don't you know me? When all you have to do is ask... I will tell you whatever you want to know. But don't be afraid to share who you are with me, because I am totally interested in knowing you as well.
Perhaps you know me too well, perhaps we have more in common than you think. Perhaps we think alike, and even have the same stubbornness when we look at each other and have an argument. Yeah, I can be thick at times. But it isn't because I think I'm automatically right, more than I know that salvaging a friendship is more important to me than anything in the world.
REUNIONS
Today was truly a blessing to me. Over the past week, I found someone so close to our family. It was over 13 years ago, my brother was in the middle of a very difficult divorce. He tried to remain in his son's life by visits and such, but on one visit, he was forced to face a reality that he never thought possible. His ex wife was a member of a very prominent family who was not happy about their little girl's broken marriage, and they made it clear through some very specific instructions and signs that he was no longer to be in his son's life.
Years had passed, and my nephew had grown up, away from the hole that was left in the hearts of all of us in the family. His sister, my niece, had attempted to find him and contact him, to no avail. My mom attempted to contact his grandmother to ask at his 18th birthday to find him and to reconnect. She was told not to bother. Over the years, he was a missing piece. It was a brokenness that has been with us since we lost him to this bitter divorce. Yet despite all our efforts, we never knew what became of him.
Thanks to that horrible thing I spoke of earlier in my blogs, that wicked "social network" called MySpace, I was able to find him. I looked through his page, and sent him a very personal message. I asked if he was the same who was born of his mother's name, and asked him to contact me via my AIM account and left him my screen name. Within days, I received a message while I was online. It was incredibly, my nephew. Looking at him talk to me online... through these words, that appeared almost magically on the computer screen, my heart stopped. My eyes welled up with tears and I yelled for my mom to come into my room.
She came and I told her who I was chatting with. We immediately wanted to talk to him. And we were all so very overcome with a wellspring of elation. It was so surreal. And so we began talking on the phone, and I began to make phone calls about the surprise I had in store for my brother. He has never been the same, losing his son. This boy was his pride and joy. This boy was his buddy. And this boy was his life blood! We then kept in phone contact until this afternoon when I could see him, for coffee.
We met at a Starbucks outside the town where he was going to college now, majoring in music and theology. I was amazed that we were both introspective thinkers, with many shared views on both theology and life. I was equally amazed that this boy who I babysat as a 15 year old, was not a boy anymore but a wonderfully grown man. He was everything our whole family prayed he would become.
Over the course of our chat, we discussed religion, philosophy, psychology, politics, and we talked about our lives over the past 13 years. We talked about the family he had missed knowing, and the man he had become in our absence. And we vowed to remain connected, as he had also been searching for us. He was quite intelligent and very gifted in musical ability as well as his understanding of people.
At the end of our nearly 2 hour chat, since we were both quite spiritual, and both believed this reunion was a blessing from God, we prayed together. I broke down in the middle of what I was saying, and began weeping so uncontrollably, that I couldn't continue. He came over and hugged me and continued our prayer where I left off. And as I write this blog, I again well up with tears. Overjoyed, I know that all reunions of lost friends and loved ones in our life are indeed blessings.
I know that in my life, there have been people who have come and gone. And no relationship has ever ended in a "good way" or it wouldn't have ended in the first place. Those which have ended have always ended because of some painful moment or circumstance. And the opportunity is always there for reconciliation, repentance, and reunions. It is only through the blessing of God on the hearts of those who are seeking to mend those lost ties that bind us, are we truly given another opportunity at knowing the love that has been missing from our hearts. Those 13 years without my nephew, has allowed me to recognize that God led us back together at the right time and place in our lives when we were ready for that reunion. And that missing part of my heart was filled this day.
This week, as an early Christmas present to my brother, I will bring his son to reunite with his dad; his buddy; his life blood. And I can only imagine the emotion that will be in the room during that moment. I don't doubt the emotions will be overwhelming. And I pray still, for the day to reunite with old friends and loved ones from my past, if not in this life then at least in the one to come.
Thanks for reunions, God, truly one of your many wonderful blessings!
Years had passed, and my nephew had grown up, away from the hole that was left in the hearts of all of us in the family. His sister, my niece, had attempted to find him and contact him, to no avail. My mom attempted to contact his grandmother to ask at his 18th birthday to find him and to reconnect. She was told not to bother. Over the years, he was a missing piece. It was a brokenness that has been with us since we lost him to this bitter divorce. Yet despite all our efforts, we never knew what became of him.
Thanks to that horrible thing I spoke of earlier in my blogs, that wicked "social network" called MySpace, I was able to find him. I looked through his page, and sent him a very personal message. I asked if he was the same who was born of his mother's name, and asked him to contact me via my AIM account and left him my screen name. Within days, I received a message while I was online. It was incredibly, my nephew. Looking at him talk to me online... through these words, that appeared almost magically on the computer screen, my heart stopped. My eyes welled up with tears and I yelled for my mom to come into my room.
She came and I told her who I was chatting with. We immediately wanted to talk to him. And we were all so very overcome with a wellspring of elation. It was so surreal. And so we began talking on the phone, and I began to make phone calls about the surprise I had in store for my brother. He has never been the same, losing his son. This boy was his pride and joy. This boy was his buddy. And this boy was his life blood! We then kept in phone contact until this afternoon when I could see him, for coffee.
We met at a Starbucks outside the town where he was going to college now, majoring in music and theology. I was amazed that we were both introspective thinkers, with many shared views on both theology and life. I was equally amazed that this boy who I babysat as a 15 year old, was not a boy anymore but a wonderfully grown man. He was everything our whole family prayed he would become.
Over the course of our chat, we discussed religion, philosophy, psychology, politics, and we talked about our lives over the past 13 years. We talked about the family he had missed knowing, and the man he had become in our absence. And we vowed to remain connected, as he had also been searching for us. He was quite intelligent and very gifted in musical ability as well as his understanding of people.
At the end of our nearly 2 hour chat, since we were both quite spiritual, and both believed this reunion was a blessing from God, we prayed together. I broke down in the middle of what I was saying, and began weeping so uncontrollably, that I couldn't continue. He came over and hugged me and continued our prayer where I left off. And as I write this blog, I again well up with tears. Overjoyed, I know that all reunions of lost friends and loved ones in our life are indeed blessings.
I know that in my life, there have been people who have come and gone. And no relationship has ever ended in a "good way" or it wouldn't have ended in the first place. Those which have ended have always ended because of some painful moment or circumstance. And the opportunity is always there for reconciliation, repentance, and reunions. It is only through the blessing of God on the hearts of those who are seeking to mend those lost ties that bind us, are we truly given another opportunity at knowing the love that has been missing from our hearts. Those 13 years without my nephew, has allowed me to recognize that God led us back together at the right time and place in our lives when we were ready for that reunion. And that missing part of my heart was filled this day.
This week, as an early Christmas present to my brother, I will bring his son to reunite with his dad; his buddy; his life blood. And I can only imagine the emotion that will be in the room during that moment. I don't doubt the emotions will be overwhelming. And I pray still, for the day to reunite with old friends and loved ones from my past, if not in this life then at least in the one to come.
Thanks for reunions, God, truly one of your many wonderful blessings!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
VFR - FLYING IN CLEAR SKIES
I guess this isn't something that a lot of people understand. The VFR stands for visual flight rules. It is what beginning pilots have to fly in. In other words, you gotta be able to see where you are going in order to fly. You have to fly below the clouds, and you have to have clear skies to fly in your path. You can't get in the clouds if you are not as familiar with instruments yet. So you are learning the basics. I always wanted to learn to fly. I still do. I don't have a hundred thousand dollars for all the flight training you need to fly private jets (which is what I want to fly). And the biggest problem for me is the fact that I have a slight color deficiency. So in order to pass a flight physical, I have to be able to show enough sufficiency in color differentiation. It sucks, because it is just a slight deficiency, and I can still see green and red flashing beacon lights on a plane coming at me. Eh. It takes a lot to commit to flying. But everyone needs to fly in clear skies.
I was talking before about flying in the clouds. When you are so lost if you don't know how to read your instruments. You could run into clouds, or other planes in the sky that you just can't see. Well, experienced pilots can fly through the clouds because they know the terrain, they know their instruments, and they pretty much know exactly how to handle it.
I was really in the clouds in my life. For a few weeks I was dealing with something that totally got me. I mean, I was so happy that I didn't realize that I was making myself (and those around me) miserable. It was horrible, what I did. I mean, I didn't do it to cause people pain. But in the middle of it, I couldn't see what I was doing so wrong. I just thought I was doing what my heart led me to do. And part of me was right. Part though, was just so in the clouds. I was so lost that I couldn't see what I was doing. And here is me, this cocky new pilot, who thinks he knows his instruments well enough that he doesn't realize that his plane is not equipped with any radar equipment to detect oncoming traffic in the clouds. And being the cocky pilot I was, I collided with another aircraft (person) in mid air. My plane (heart) went up in flames, and came crashing to the ground. I felt this weak feeling for a few days. And then I came back to the crash and looked around. I saw the wreck, and considered myself lucky for coming out alive. But I don't know how my wreck affected the other people in the other plane. And I didn't see all the mistakes I made until I looked back and saw the wreckage. I felt bad for all the damage I caused, but I couldn't apologize to the people who I crashed into. They were nowhere to be found.
I imagine, years down the line... perhaps running into one of the survivors of that crash, to apologize. To cry, and to beg forgiveness. I pray that someday, they can see all the ways I tried to make the flight go well. And that it wasn't my intention to crash. I pray that some day, the pieces will tell me and them that when you follow your heart, you may not always be flying in the clear skies, and you don't always know everything. You aren't experienced enough to get through, without listening to other pilots around who have more experience and can guide you through those clouds.
I'm sorry R., B. I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't even know if you are reading this blog. I haven't written in it for a few days. But I hope you are keeping up with it. I hope that my friendship meant more to you than just the bad you may remember, or the flight plan I took. I hope you can understand why I took the path I did, and forgive me for not taking it slower. If only's don't really do much good when you are looking back. I took chances that I shouldn't have. And I hurt myself, and the people who I cared about. You mean a lot to me. And I recognize that I am not on the same level as you. I am supposed to be flying in clear skies, under VFR conditions. I should have listened to more experienced pilots when they told me to fly under the clouds. And you are probably instrument ready. I hope I can catch up to your level some day. I still hope I can find a way to get those tickets to you.
If this blog makes no sense to you, its okay. It was really meant for someone else. But if you are reading this, and it does make sense, its because you are reading it right.
Thanks.
I was talking before about flying in the clouds. When you are so lost if you don't know how to read your instruments. You could run into clouds, or other planes in the sky that you just can't see. Well, experienced pilots can fly through the clouds because they know the terrain, they know their instruments, and they pretty much know exactly how to handle it.
I was really in the clouds in my life. For a few weeks I was dealing with something that totally got me. I mean, I was so happy that I didn't realize that I was making myself (and those around me) miserable. It was horrible, what I did. I mean, I didn't do it to cause people pain. But in the middle of it, I couldn't see what I was doing so wrong. I just thought I was doing what my heart led me to do. And part of me was right. Part though, was just so in the clouds. I was so lost that I couldn't see what I was doing. And here is me, this cocky new pilot, who thinks he knows his instruments well enough that he doesn't realize that his plane is not equipped with any radar equipment to detect oncoming traffic in the clouds. And being the cocky pilot I was, I collided with another aircraft (person) in mid air. My plane (heart) went up in flames, and came crashing to the ground. I felt this weak feeling for a few days. And then I came back to the crash and looked around. I saw the wreck, and considered myself lucky for coming out alive. But I don't know how my wreck affected the other people in the other plane. And I didn't see all the mistakes I made until I looked back and saw the wreckage. I felt bad for all the damage I caused, but I couldn't apologize to the people who I crashed into. They were nowhere to be found.
I imagine, years down the line... perhaps running into one of the survivors of that crash, to apologize. To cry, and to beg forgiveness. I pray that someday, they can see all the ways I tried to make the flight go well. And that it wasn't my intention to crash. I pray that some day, the pieces will tell me and them that when you follow your heart, you may not always be flying in the clear skies, and you don't always know everything. You aren't experienced enough to get through, without listening to other pilots around who have more experience and can guide you through those clouds.
I'm sorry R., B. I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't even know if you are reading this blog. I haven't written in it for a few days. But I hope you are keeping up with it. I hope that my friendship meant more to you than just the bad you may remember, or the flight plan I took. I hope you can understand why I took the path I did, and forgive me for not taking it slower. If only's don't really do much good when you are looking back. I took chances that I shouldn't have. And I hurt myself, and the people who I cared about. You mean a lot to me. And I recognize that I am not on the same level as you. I am supposed to be flying in clear skies, under VFR conditions. I should have listened to more experienced pilots when they told me to fly under the clouds. And you are probably instrument ready. I hope I can catch up to your level some day. I still hope I can find a way to get those tickets to you.
If this blog makes no sense to you, its okay. It was really meant for someone else. But if you are reading this, and it does make sense, its because you are reading it right.
Thanks.
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