CHRISTMAS (EVE) MORNING

I haven't really written in a little while. My Christmas is about to be inundated with family, food, presents, and just a miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Missing those people who I wish I could spend time with this holiday. People I wish I could even just call (but can't), just to say, "Merry Christmas, and I'm thinking of you." I dislike Christmas time for the following reasons:

1) Christmas - People forget that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Savior. It is more about the gift of that perfect sacrifice for my sin, to make me right with God. No longer do we need to sacrifice a lamb on the day of atonement from Jewish Law in order to forgive sins, as Christ has come to take away the sin of the world. Wow! How can we compare any toy or clothes or gift card or cash with the gift of love so deep that God would send His son to earth, to DIE FOR ME???

2) Christmas - Way too commercial. Everyone is worried about the economic crisis in our country, and the most valuable indicator of how bad our economy is will be the seasonal purchases for gifting. It is sad that our global economy is also affected by this one holiday of gift-giving. We make it all about giving, but is it really? Look at # 3.

3) We are not giving without expectation of receiving. We look at Christmas, and we think, "oh, how wonderful that we can go buy these presents to give everyone," but at the end of the night, people are really looking at the expectation of receiving more than the gifting they did. This is not altruistic at all. We all look for the presents under the tree with our name on it, in anticipation that it will be exactly what we asked for. We even give our list to everyone, in hopes that they love us enough to spend the money on that one that is like... really special? How can we look at wanting to receive and then giving with the expectation of receiving in return? It isn't a gift if we forget that giving without expectation of receiving something is the gift. The difference is in the heart. When you give to someone with the expectation of some reward, or gift in return, then it is called bartering. We do that at work. We go to work hour after hour, day after day, with the expectation that we will receive a paycheck at the end of the week. YEAH, it is the same thing! If you really want to know what giving sacrificially means, go give all the things you just got from presents to a homeless shelter. Pass out the toys, clothes, cash and gift cards you just got to those who will know no other generosity of spirit this holiday season. That is where you will see how much your gift will matter.

4) When we have someone in our lives that we really want to be there with us, but we can't be there with them, then how can you really be as happy? Yeah, family is there with you all year long (at least in my family, we make it a regular occurrence to see each other often throughout the year), but when you don't see someone who you hold dear in your heart, it sucks! I am talking about those people you have had a falling out with, people you regret having said something to that hurt their feelings (and you know it), people that you really do care about and would rather know than not know. Those people who were a blessing to have known for however long you have, and you can't enjoy this Christmas blessing with them, that is what makes this holiday season really painful for me. And then you think of those we have lost to illness or death, like my brother or my dad. For some reason, we pull out the old video's of them at the holidays, and I can't sit in the room to watch that. It is really painful to not be able to share that time with them. I will be able to see them soon, someday when I get to heaven with them. But for now, all I have are memories. Not to mention, my dad died in November one year, and my brother died on the 17th of December the following year. So being so close to the holidays, it just sucks honoring their memories year after year at the same time... again... so close to this joyous time.

5) Christmas is misinterpreted as a holiday for kids. Santa Clause, or Saint Nicholas was this guy who was just showing the gift giving spirit by giving to those good little boys and girls a present at this time of year. But everyone was honored in this tradition. And when Saint Nicholas did it, he did it without any expectation of having anything given to him in return. He actually had the right idea. It would be nice if we all had that giving spirit. Young and old, give until it hurts. Give beyond your excesses. Give from your heart, without any expectation of receiving. Yes, it is more blessed to give than to receive. And I am not saying don't take anything that someone is giving you from their heart. Because you are actually, by taking the gift, allowing the giver to feel blessed for giving. So why would you not let them be blessed by giving you something. I am just saying, don't expect anything. Don't go around asking people what they want. Don't put together a list of what you want. Rather, just think of how you can give until it hurts, from the heart, and what that person would appreciate coming from you. Don't think of whether they would be happy with your particular tastes in gifts, because some people just don't have good taste when picking out gifts, everyone knows someone who just doesn't know how to shop for someone. And that is when you have to realize that it is really the thought that counts. But when you find that it is always the thought that counts, you are really getting the gifting spirit. You can't ask someone what they want and then get that for them, you have to actually think about what would make them smile, what would make them think of you, and how you can make someone happy. That is the spirit.

This year I remember the Christ of Christmas, and the most sacrificial gift God gave me through His son. I don't put much faith in global economies, but rather in the community life and community spirit of sharing. I give sacrificially with no expectation of receiving. I miss those who have touched my heart and can't share the day with me. I pray for them, and also pray they are thinking of me as well. I pray for reconciliation some day soon. I think about those who I have lost to death or illness. And I give until it hurts from the heart. I don't try to figure out what someone wants as much as I try to think of how I can make a heart happy by thinking about the person they mean to me.

This year I was blessed to be able to give someone some theater tickets that were really good. The cost was a lot more than the face value of the tickets but it was so worth it to know that he will enjoy that show more than anything in the world. His favorite obsession in the world is this show and I hope he will take the memory of me with him when he goes to see it. Because we don't talk anymore, sadly. And I will today cherish those who have distance between us. My friend in California, who I haven't seen in 6 years, but have talked to practically every day since we left P-town. My friend from high school who is now a youth pastor in Georgia. My brother and his family in Georgia and my other brother and his family in Alabama. My heart will miss my friend who is in jail in Florida. I just wrote him a letter to encourage him this year. It really has to suck to be locked up during the holidays. I have no idea what that could possibly feel like. But he drew me a Christmas card and I was so floored by that, that he was thinking of me this holiday season while he was in jail, wow! Steven, you rock man. Friends left behind in Georgia and Athens, and Cape Cod and Worcester, Massachusetts, Minnesota, and anyone I may not have mentioned here. Wow! This is the stuff I really love about Christmas. The thoughts of people who I hold so dear. And what they mean to me.

I guess, if I had kids, or even if on Christmas, it wasn't so... congested with false sentiment, and just shared among loved ones... if it wasn't so... unnatural, and just real... I think I would like Christmas a bit more. I guess if I could spend Christmas with one or two people... rather than the 30 I am about to, it would be a more... intimate time... a special time... that meant more to me. I love the holiday season, just not what we tend to make of it.