SAUDADE

Wow, I found it! A word that defines how I feel. And I never thought I was like ANYONE else in feeling it. But yeah, that is it. SAUDADE!

Anyways, nowadays I have been working on a new restaurant in the far west part of the state I live in. So it is like a two hour drive from where I am now. Which means, I will be moving if I get the place. It is for sale, so me getting it, will be contingent on the Seller accepting my offer, or us coming to terms on a price, and also on my getting financing from a bank for the property. Everything else seems trivial and not really a block to me getting it, it is just those two things, the price, and the financing. I hope that will go well.

I drove there this past Friday, and I walked up on it and it was SOOOOO cute! Just looking from the outside, it was adorable from the little town it was in to the bench outside to the idea I saw it with little patio tables outside with mosaic tiles and planters, and then the Realtor came and let me in, and I saw how wonderful it was set up and how much I saw myself behind the counter, and smiled as I saw the simplicity. It had recently been open. So now I looked around and asked myself if I could do it. Could I actually live in a small town again. It seemed almost like a Pleasantville town in technicolor.

But the good part was that it is still only two hours away from the city, and it was really inexpensive to buy the place! So I went back to the realty office, and talked with the Realtor. She called the Seller and we talked a bit, about some concerns I had about what equipment and fixtures would be staying and when it would be able to be emptied to take possession. And I wrote up an offer before I left.

Then I drove over to the apartment complex I had found online, and I found the cutest little one bedroom apartment there with a garage! And although I couldn't have a dog (I love dogs), I could have a cat. But it was just the perfect size for someone who would be working from open to close and just needed a simple place to sleep in. It would be home for at least the first year or two. Beyond that, I would hope to be able to afford a house there, since they are also moderately priced.

So now the Seller has made a counteroffer to me, and I replied with my own counteroffer. So this afternoon, I am going to go back there to check out some plumbing and electrical systems with my brother, since he will be out there doing some work with my other brother's shop in the town next to where I will be.

This is my last attempt to do something on my own. If this one doesn't pan out, I will just assume that this isn't my time. All I can hope for is that one simple phrase, those two words in Hebrew, Jehovah Jireh - "The Lord Provides!" If it's meant to be, it will happen, and if it doesn't, it won't. Financing seems to be the only block now, and I hope that will prove to be non-existent as well. If all goes well, I will be taking possession on August 1, 2009. And I will be open by Labor Day weekend (the first weekend in September). Today, I am just happy for the opportunity to dream. "Only in dreams can a man be truly free. Twas always thus, and always thus will be." John Keating Dead Poet's Society.

I probably would have made a LOT more money doing the same thing here in Chicago, but in the end, I don't think I would have been as happy if I had to deal with the issues I had with the landlord. It was a lot of unintended stress that I didn't need to deal with. Here I will be in a smaller town. But not a ghost town. It is actually quite quaint. Although the one thing I see as a potential problem is that the place I am moving to with a population of approximately 25,000 has about 60 churches in it. This means to me that the town is pretty religious. I am quite spiritual, but not at all religious anymore. For Christ Sake, they have laws on the books prohibiting the possession of pornographic materials. What, there is no internet in this town???

HELP ME HELP HIM

I have a friend who is a wonderful spirit. He is actually just beginning to start his life. He had saved up during his youth and just moved from Ireland to England to start his career and find his independence. Unfortunately, in the process of moving, he stopped off at the ATM cash machine to withdraw some funds for his trip. The bank machine took his card, and he couldn't retrieve it. He later found that someone else recovered his card from that bank machine and withdrew 2000 EUROs. WOW! Neither the bank nor the person who withdrew the funds is owning up to their misfortune. So here is this really cool guy who is out a HUGE portion of his life savings which he was counting on to move.

If you all have any inclination, please help out by donating to his pay-pal account. The URL to go to it is http://tinyurl.com/stephen-donate and do all you can to help. Every little bit will help and he would greatly appreciate every penny. Also, if you could spread the word, and get your friends or online social networking friends to help, I would also appreciate it! You all have a heart of gold for helping out my friend. Thank you all and God Bless You!

TIME GOES BY

Can't believe half of the month of June is already over! The summer is coming and I am sort of excited about that. I have been in a bit of a fog over all the stuff that was going on over the past few months. The death of the dream (for now), the landlord from hell, the issues with internet heartaches, the efforts and energies you put into each of those things with all of your being, to be let down.

It was in the past, and nothing can change the past. It happened, time to move on. Time to keep setting goals and keep on keeping on. So I began adding some friends who I deleted to get away from it all, so that I can reunite with people who did care, but I couldn't be bothered to deal with. And it's nice that they are still so very much a part of my heart, and it's even nicer that they still have me in such high esteem and I still have so very much a place in their hearts.

My family has been quite supportive of the losses I have faced this past couple months, and that is really cool. I have such amazing support from people who love me. Why or how could I allow myself to feel down? It is the future, and not the past that I can still work at to achieve goals, and it is within myself that I find happiness more than from external forces. When someone talks crap about me, it doesn't phase me because I know what the truth is, and I know who I am.

This isn't the only time I have had to question whether I was right in the choices I have made, and ultimately, I have to say, I think I have tried to handle myself in the end, way better than I have in the past, in the way I have interacted with those who have hurt me or wronged me. That is a definite sign that in looking at my ideal, I am learning to dole out temperance with mercy. And when I see someone who means nothing good for me, if I were to show hatred toward them, I would only be filling my heart or my mind with hatred. And that is a consumer of energy which I can not afford to release at the moment.

All my energies right now are going to be focused on starting again. My dreams will still be realized in regard to the restaurant, and the next choices, I will venture to say, will be better than the first. I will have a better location, and a better grasp of what I need to beware of, and I will have a better budget in place, seeing where I needed to be this time around.

And as far as the whole relational things, eh. I have nothing negative to say about what happened. He is still a person with extreme value and worth. It is just difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who sees hatred in their heart and won't let go of that hatred long enough to find the friend they once had. And that's okay because I will still remember someone I met, long ago, and someone who I saw with incredible promise in his life. He still has that promise, to do great things, and I continue to wish him all the best things in life and much success. He continues to wish I would rot in hell, but that's okay.

My mom has been really cool with me this past couple months. I have been in a bit of a rut emotionally over the past couple months, and she has been really supportive and patient with me over it. She knows what all I have been dealing with, and she is just awesome. Who else will bake brownies out of nowhere, and just bring me one in bed whenever she thinks of me? Or who else will bring me a soda, when I am sitting without even being asked? Who would let you sleep during the day and stay up all night instead of getting up to do the whole day thing, and go out to face the day when you would rather curl up into a ball and just say "Fuck the world." My mom would, that's who. And I love her a lot... despite her bitchiness sometimes!

And for now, time to get a job to pay off the amount I have lost in the venture so that I can start to plan for my next attempt at success. I have begun talking to a really cool person from Canada, who is incredibly intelligent, and really fun to talk to. There are moments when I just think he gets me. And I hope he does. But time will tell. And in time, you look for your ideals and you hope that you meet their ideals. And in the process you make a really amazing friend. Or you decide that your life has been somehow made better for knowing them.

Every person in my life... brings me joy. Whether they know it or not. And I think I need to appreciate those who I sometimes take for granted. So, yeah. I suppose I will say adieu and wish you all a FANTASTIC day. I am going for a walk since it is sunny and warm outside right now. I need to bask in this NEW DAY! And see the outlook for the rest of the summer! I need to clear my head for a bit, in the park, looking at the greenery, and just soak up the sun! I haven't seen it for a while.

Talk to you all soon! :-)