I GIVE UP

I've tried to believe it was something that I did or said, and maybe it was. But in the end, it doesn't matter at all. Nothing I do or say will ever make what he feels different. If I say anything, he got upset, and hostile. If I didn't say anything, I felt as if I was just giving up on someone I cared about. He has been fucked completely by circumstances in his life. His age, his recent traumatic event at his holiday get away (which I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR), his just coming to terms with his own identity, with the whole distance thing, with my overly passionate self... it is just sad, that I lost a person I cherished, and valued more than so many who have come into my life before. It matters, but it doesn't.

Someone asked me, "Do I want to get over him? Or do I not want to?" I don't think it matters anymore, because he wants me to.

Today, I feel like, I've failed miserably here. At life, at everything. But I didn't. It just is what it is. Nothing I could do or say will ever change that. But yeah, I will never forget him.

TWO WORLDS!

Music: Phil Collins
Lyrics: Phil Collins

Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this world blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feet now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

MY VALENTINE!

This was my feeble attempt at reconciliation with a friend who I cared for deeply. Unfortunately, after my "secret identity" was disclosed, the video was deleted, the flowers were probably trashed, the candy was probably thrown up, and the teddy's stuffing was probably stabbed out of it. Sorry for the audio, it was poorly done, by the camera man, but I annotated as best as I could so that you could read what he was actually saying. He had a smile on his face about the gift for all of a week, then threatened to "contact the authorities" if I attempted to communicate with him again (tit-wank). :-( HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!

AMENDMENT: (March 30, 2009 US/March 31, 2009 NZ) TO ALL THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ENDURED MY PAIN FOR THE PAST COUPLE MONTHS... BLOG POSTS WERE PRETTY SAD... I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS... COS... YEAH, HE AND I ARE FINALLY TALKING AGAIN... SO GRATEFUL THAT HE IS STILL MY FRIEND... AND SO GRATEFUL... FOR A RECONCILIATION. THAT WAS JUST DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH THIS PAST COUPLE MONTHS. I VALUE FRIENDSHIP WITH THOSE IN MY LIFE ENOUGH TO TRY ALL I COULD TO KEEP THEM THERE REGARDLESS OF WHO WAS AT FAULT OR WHAT WAS SAID TO WHOM... AND I VALUE ALL OF YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WAYS. THANKS!

AMENDMENT: (April 8, 2009) IMAGINE THAT, THAT WAS QUICK. REACTIONS FROM SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING TO HIM (AND SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER SPOKEN TO ME ONCE, AT THAT), MADE HIM DECIDE TO ASK ME TO REMOVE THIS VIDEO... HAHA. IDFC ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE, EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS SO AS NOT TO OFFEND HIM, HE IS GOING TO BE OFFENDED BY SOMETHING!!! PEOPLE LIKE TO CAUSE DRAMA, AND HE LISTENS TO THEM. SO SOPHOMORIC. LOL ANYWAYS, CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO ARGUE ANYMORE ABOUT IT SO I REMOVED THE VIDEO. SORRY.


FINAL ANALYSIS: (APRIL 21, 2009) http://theoneandonly-niko.blogspot.com/2009/04/dsm-iv-tr-npd-my-weakness.html GO TO THIS POST TO SEE WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING WITH THIS PERSON. AND BEWARE THE NARCISSISTS IN YOUR LIFE. THEY WILL SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. Sorry I still can't unlock the video for this blog post. I don't say one thing and do another thing. ACTUALLY... screw that I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE HIS FACE ON MY BLOGSPOT... I CAN COMPLETELY DELETE THAT THING NOW!

COPY PASTE - SADFACE

I guess I am not the only one... One of his friends posted this in her blog just a bit ago. So, I thought I would share it with you in case you felt the same way that she did, and I do. Hope you like it, if not, deal with it.

i am quite sure that i am slowly
but definitely, ruining
any chance of you
ever liking me
as much as
i like you.
just by
being
juno.



/sadface

Monday, February 16, 2009
Posted by Junoluvsu at 8:34 PM

I've read this post like, 100 times since then. Thanks for showing me that what I am feeling isn't unique to me.

VALENTINE'S DAY WISHES

For all of you who have someone in your life, who means something to them, I hope you will enjoy this day and keep remembering all the good that they mean to you. Cherish, preserve, and protect this person and your relationship with them by letting them you know you care. Nobody hates flowers, candy, or stuffed teddy bears. Well, almost nobody.

I hate thinking that nothing I could do would make a difference. But I guess, I am still the same person that they think me to be. This particular blog post may be edited in the future to add stuff, not sure as of yet. For me, this Valentine's Day sucks.

GET REAL!

Another one of my favorite love stories, portrayed by a brilliant and handsome Ben Silverstone. This is one movie I suggest anyone who is ever afraid of the idea of loving someone should watch...





Sorry for being so sappy here, but it's just the mood I am in. Sadly, this movie is not being distributed in the US anymore, PLEASE CONTACT THE FILM'S DISTRIBUTION COMPANY TO ASK THEM TO RE-RELEASE IT! In the meantime, it will unfortunately cost us upwards of $70 USD to get a copy here in the US on AMAZON. It is still reasonably priced for PAL systems in the UK and other countries abroad.

THE STARFISH STORY

adapted from The Star Thrower
by Loren Eiseley
1907 - 1977

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "I made a difference to that one!"




Few stories have gained internet popularity the way "The Star Thrower" has. Most often it's sighted as "author unknown," but it is actually a classic from 1979 written by Loren Eiseley, who has been hailed as a modern day Henry David Thoreau.

Loren Eiseley was both a scientist and a poet, and to this day his writing is the subject of much discussion and inspiration. In this story he is the "wise man" touched by the innocence and determination of another soul.

"The Star Thrower" is a classic story of the power within each one of us to make a difference in the lives of others. And though it has appeared in many forms (sometimes it's a native american man who is throwing the starfish into the sea, sometimes it's a grandfather, or a young girl or boy) it is none the less a powerful reminder that we should be here for each other, and to seek to help, even in small ways, whenever we can.

In such turbulent times as these, when we may feel alone and small and unable to make any lasting changes we may find ourselves asking "What can I do that will make a difference?" or "What can one small person like me do?"

In reality we don't have to be rich, talented or even particularly intelligent to make a difference in the life of another. We just need to remember that we ARE here for a purpose, and that making small changes in the world eventually add up to something bigger in the life of another.

When we become throwers of the stars, we too, have the power to change the world

GIVE ME YOUR EYES

A beautiful prayer for all those I have lost. I'm sorry. I wish I could get you all to understand why...





I love you all. Time will make all things right, I pray. I won't lose my eyes for all of you, to continue to be as compassionate for those around me as I can be, and never to lose my heart for the broken hearted. I hope you will all remember a good person when you see me in your hearts. If you see any less, I can understand. I never meant to be perfect in anyone's eyes, but I could be no less than 100 % totally, me. <3

DAY BY DAY

I've managed to sleep a bit more over the past few days. I suppose it would be easier if I slept at night instead of during the day. But I can adjust that time in a while. For now, it's just good that I am getting some sleep. I've cried less today than yesterday. And I suppose the scars will be here for a while. The wounds on my heart have yet to heal. I want to always leave my heart vulnerable to being pierced. I don't ever want to feel calloused, so much that I don't feel anything anymore. I know people who are like that.

I spoke with a friend of his last night. I don't know what good it did, other than give me a different perspective to what he has been thinking about. He hadn't mentioned anything to this person about me. However, he had mentioned a bit about his direction in life. And the paths that are frightening to go down. My being on that path probably scared the crap out of him, because it seemed as if he was embarking on something he was unsure of whether he was ready for in the first place. So whether he did like me or not in the first place, he just like everyone at one point of their life, is growing to understand who he is and what he wants. So it makes it that much less painful to think it was all about me, and just more about him determining what it is he wants in life.

It could have been easier if he had told me that to begin with. Perhaps he had, but I was so wrapped up in the newness and my own feelings at the time, that I was deafened by my own thoughts and flooding emotions when I met him. I don't know all of what the future holds. For me, or him, independently or not. But I do have a direction in my life. Whether that leads me to change down the line, still, I don't know. I may very well, whether we interact or not, still visit Auckland... For me. It will be because I want to enjoy the country there. I have always wanted to see it. And if it is the place I can find comfort in, I will. Whether or not he chooses to see me, as anything more or less... is completely up to him. But nothing will change my thoughts of him being as good a person as I originally saw in him. I am about to find peace with it, but the scars will never go away. I want the memory of my friend... the good ones anyways, albeit short lived.

THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB

I'm sorry, I don't have the link to this movie trailer anymore. I deleted my y
YouTube account which was hosting it. I don't know where to find a decent trailer on the internet at the present time, but I can suggest going to IMDB and searching for it.

I don't know how in the world it happened, but somehow, a friend told me about this movie when I was going to school. It turned out to be the most amazing movie I have ever seen. It's characters are all amazingly real. It is as if I was each and every one of them at some point of my life... *barring the female roles. But it makes being gay, more bearable... knowing you have friends who are in the same place you are. When you can find friends like these, it just makes it easier. For anyone, straight, bi, gay, lesbian, or just completely confused, this is a really great movie to watch. Not to mention, it is a sexy date movie! Have fun, sometimes I will broadcast for my friends on the BlogTV channel, so come watch with me. I have seen this movie for like the bajillionth time but I am always ready to watch it again. Just ask! I will share it with you too!

Have fun! By the way, BestBuy had it on sale for like $15. And the most I have ever seen it was like $25 or something, so go online, if you like it. I usually buy a couple at a time, to give one to a friend who I think would appreciate it. Hope you will too!

MY WORD-MY PASSION

Imagine, an artist, looking at a blank canvas of a piece of art in his minds eye. Imagine, a composer, looking at a blank piece of lines on a page where the notes and squiggly lines will be placed delicately in between those lines. Imagine, a dancer, walking onto a waxed floor of an empty dance hall, picturing the choreography of the music he is listening to, in his head. Now, looking at the dimensions of the dance floor, and the freedom (s)he has to create at will, and all the adjustments made during the course of that choreography until the piece finally flows. Imagine, a chef, walking into the filled cooler, about which he is preparing the night's specials. Imagine, the coffee barista, selecting the beans (s)he is about to grind, damp, and place in the machine for the next perfect cup, made to order. Imagine, the teacher, on the first day of school, prior to the class filling up with students, the empty chairs and the sounds of laughter echoing in the halls. Imagine, the mother or the father, looking at that beautiful child in their arms, just delivered and resting comfortably, pink faced and eyes wide open. How can we not face the future prospect of any of these passions and belittle their power, or their ability to create new life, energy, love, fire in our spirit. It is the woven fabric of each life we interact with.

Imagine now, if you will, a blank screen on a blog post. Or imagine a blank piece of paper, or an empty message box for an e-mail, or the word processor with a blank cursor flashing in the first spot on the first page. Or any place someone who writes uses to express emotion. It is that way for me. I may not always write coherently or my words may not always be appreciated, as I guess, some may not look at the guy who makes your cup of coffee, or the person who teaches you your lesson at school each day, or the artist who spent the hours producing the work which now hangs on your living room wall collecting dust. Do you even know the artist's name in the lower right corner? Or the chef who spends years experimenting with flavors, and preparing sauces to make a dish whetting our appetites. That song will be stuck in your head for decades into your future, and you will smell a scent or look at something that will immediately bring those words into your mind again, and you will remember the first time you heard it when you thought about that person. The hours of practice to get a dance number right, before a performance, and all the extra work behind the scenes that make that recital, or play or performance go off with relatively no hitch. How often do we go and thank an old teacher, from elementary school or high school or e-mail a former professor to say thank you? How often do we thank our parents (aside from the major holidays)? And when do we just recognize the flowers? The garden was made with the hands of someone who painstakingly got thorn pricks as they cut the roses to sell at the corner florists for someone to give to you. Look around you today. Don't try to think too much about your life... but think of the people around you in your busy day to day, and begin to appreciate the little things, sacrifices made, and passions fulfilled in everyday life.

It is just this post, from my heart to you, that I hope inspired that thought.

THE END OF AN ERA?

In all I do or say, I am completely sincere. I hide nothing of who I am or what I believe, so people can choose to like me or dislike me, but I don't set out to upset the natural flow of anyone's own belief system, or their perceptions.

I debate for my life. I disclose intimate details of my life to describe how I came to conclusions about why I am who I am. And I make absolutely NO APOLOGIES as to who I am! If you don't agree, we can agree to disagree, but I try earnestly to not judge anyone for their beliefs or their way of thinking. I just debate for the sake of sharing my views and in order to either prove or disprove my own core faiths.

I don't have intent on hurting anyone EVER! And people talk about karma coming back on others who have done me wrong, but somewhere, karma got the wrong guy... cos I am constantly being berated by people I give chance after chance to only to be completely FUCKED by them in the end. I had a friend who I trusted, and found him to be untrustworthy. And like I said in my previous blogs, and in tune with how I carry my life out, I extended forgiveness to him, and a hand of reconciliation to him in the hopes of restoring my faith in the "good" potential I saw in him. He told me he was a bad person. But I kept seeing the potential for him to just grow up and be a better person.

Finally, I met someone who was quite extraordinary, and in the process of introducing my new friend to my other friends, he took a liking to one particular friend, the one I had my trust issues with. And I set out from the beginning telling him to be wary of his influence. I informed him of my personal trust issues with this person, but that warning was ignored. Now, I come to find that my "forgiven friend" had been planting seeds of destruction in this new friendship I had made to utterly destroy it. And in the end, some of the characterizations I had made about me were so completely sick and based on the falsehoods of one person to another.

I'm a bit disgusted, but ultimately, believe that in time, the spots or the colors will be revealed and the person this shattered friend became to me, and that he will see the truth of the other's nature. I feel badly how easily my faith in people could be so easily swayed by one incident, but you just don't know how much I tried to trust one person and how easily they plotted to ruin my friendship with the other. It was a truly disturbing event, and I am saddened to hear the characterizations and assassinations made to me by the newer friend, who I held such high esteem for, but in time, these wounds will also pass. I care deeply for those who I know and only my truest friends understand that I was completely clear of wrongdoing in this circumstance, because they have a clear understanding of EVERYTHING which occurred and know how the lies were spread and we all know the motivations of the evil that spread.

James, if you ever do read this someday, it's o.k. to think what you did, or say what you said, it was based on falsehoods you could have seen had you looked at your own heart, rather than listening to someone you knew I didn't trust. I was not looking out for myself by blocking him, I was looking out for you. I don't think you could understand that, but in time, I hope you will. If you ever... care for a friend as much as I did care for you, you will always know, I never blocked you. So you can find my email address, or such, and speak to me someday again. I will ALWAYS be here... praying for a day that you will see the spirit you saw in me from the very first time we spoke, and the very first time we Skyped again...

You were NEVER... a potential "fuck-buddy" in my eyes. And if you think that was all I ever thought of you, you are sorely mistaken. For now, though, live your life to its fullest. I hope for you all the best. And I pray for one reconciliation more than any other I have EVER prayed for in my life.