DAY BY DAY

I've managed to sleep a bit more over the past few days. I suppose it would be easier if I slept at night instead of during the day. But I can adjust that time in a while. For now, it's just good that I am getting some sleep. I've cried less today than yesterday. And I suppose the scars will be here for a while. The wounds on my heart have yet to heal. I want to always leave my heart vulnerable to being pierced. I don't ever want to feel calloused, so much that I don't feel anything anymore. I know people who are like that.

I spoke with a friend of his last night. I don't know what good it did, other than give me a different perspective to what he has been thinking about. He hadn't mentioned anything to this person about me. However, he had mentioned a bit about his direction in life. And the paths that are frightening to go down. My being on that path probably scared the crap out of him, because it seemed as if he was embarking on something he was unsure of whether he was ready for in the first place. So whether he did like me or not in the first place, he just like everyone at one point of their life, is growing to understand who he is and what he wants. So it makes it that much less painful to think it was all about me, and just more about him determining what it is he wants in life.

It could have been easier if he had told me that to begin with. Perhaps he had, but I was so wrapped up in the newness and my own feelings at the time, that I was deafened by my own thoughts and flooding emotions when I met him. I don't know all of what the future holds. For me, or him, independently or not. But I do have a direction in my life. Whether that leads me to change down the line, still, I don't know. I may very well, whether we interact or not, still visit Auckland... For me. It will be because I want to enjoy the country there. I have always wanted to see it. And if it is the place I can find comfort in, I will. Whether or not he chooses to see me, as anything more or less... is completely up to him. But nothing will change my thoughts of him being as good a person as I originally saw in him. I am about to find peace with it, but the scars will never go away. I want the memory of my friend... the good ones anyways, albeit short lived.