HONESTLY!

I feel like there is always something that we can do that will cause someone pain. I hate being the cause of someone's pain. They deserve more than that. I feel guilty. I feel like a jerk for doing something that I could have had the sense to prevent.

I was always a little bit mature for my age as a kid. I used to walk around with the teachers during recess in grade school... instead of playing with the other kids, because... I felt they weren't at my level. And as I got older, I don't know why, but when I was in High School I hung out with people my age and younger. And I always believe that I was at that level... and as I grow, I consider myself still holding on to the youthfulness. I am more mature, as I experience life, and as I make my mistakes in life. But I still grow to try to understand all that life is, and was, and will be.

When I interact with people, I share my "mental age" with them. It's the age I feel. When women address people with their age, they typically share a younger age than they actually are, because they are vane. My reason for sharing my "mental age" is not due to vanity, but because I really believe that at that age, I am happy. I was happy. I know that I am older. But subconsciously, I feel younger!

So, when I need to be "honest," its really not that I was trying to be dishonest with someone. It's just that I was being honest with myself. It wasn't that I was trying to be deceptive. I don't usually have problems with white lies. And it is nice when the truth in those matters doesn't matter to the one you have to tell it to. It means a lot when the truth coming out doesn't change their feelings or thoughts of you. It means a lot when forgiveness is granted for your "dishonesty."

But most importantly, if it matters, it really shouldn't have. Life is full of mistakes we make, and if we start looking at them as if they are the end all of everything that you are working towards, the relationships you have in life should be able to withstand almost anything that is thrown at them. It may be a bubble of trust... but a little thing like a white lie should not burst that bubble... that is, if it means more to you than loosing the one you care about.

I'm glad that my friends and loved ones feel the same way about this issue... because I really was petrified tonight as I revealed that intimate and private information.

:-)