WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR?

Wow! How do I begin? Do I just list reasons to be thankful? And who am I thankful to? Like who am I supposed to thank? We have this crazy, silly family tradition, where we sit around the table, all 30 of us or so, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, kids, mom, me, and we pray (thanking God for the bounty). Then we go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Corny? Probably. And everybody wonders when the longwinded one will start (let's not mention names), and when will the last of us say, "I'm thankful that we can finally get to eat!" Many who read this will have some sort of similar tradition in their family. And we just do it like we are telling others what we have. Family, friends, job (it's a tight economy), love, etc. You can list all the possibilities. Each of us should be thankful for some things. But let's stop being so generic. Let's really get to what we need to be thanking for, and who we need to be thanking.

I believe that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So that is always the who. Every blessing in my life is automatically from God. But I am constantly thanking God for those blessings in my life. I recognize that I don't deserve something good, some good thing that I have, or someone who really touches my heart in some way. And I thank God for bringing me those blessings, those things that are undeserved, those wonderful people who are always inspiring me to be a better person, despite myself.

But what about thanking God for all the trials in life. All the times that I needed Him the most. And it seems as if those times are not very thankful times... I don't want to be grateful when I lost someone who meant so much to me, this past year. Because I miss them. I won't be able to break bread with them at the Thanksgiving table anymore. And I won't be able to have the discussions I once had while bicycling or roller blading on the lake front. We won't be able to go to the coffee shop at 1:00 am for a game of cards or backgammon and a cup of Greek coffee. And I won't get to tell them all the things I needed them to know. I won't be able to say I love them, one more time. That's all I need. But those days are not the days I want to be thankful for. Those are the days that I want to be alone. Those are the days that I think of "regrets." I say I don't regret anything in my life. But that's not completely true. Because I do regret not having a better relationship with my father. We just didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. We had stubborn personalities that always seemed to clash. And at times, we both tried in our own way to meet in the middle, but it never happened. This week, listening to friends who have lost loved ones this past year, made me think back to my dad, and my brother. Who died within one year of each other. And that year I was lost. I was so not sure how to grieve, because nobody had ever died that I was as close to as them. I didn't cry, like some in my family. I did months later. When I went to Greece, and lived where he lived as a child growing up. I recognized the similarities in my father and in me. I cherished those character traits I inherited from him. I am grateful for the heart he gave me. He was always the provider in our family. He married my mom, a woman with 7 kids from a previous marriage, and raised those children as his own, as well as me, their only son. He was a die-hard gambler. He brought me to the race track often as a little kid, to watch as he squandered money on race after race. But he always managed to give what he didn't have to a friend who needed it. He took chances on people that didn't deserve them. He gave until it hurt. He would have the insight to look over a crowd of his "friends" and know which ones were true friends and which ones thought him a fool.

My brother was only 7 years older than me. He died at the age of 35, on his birthday in December. Every year, no matter where I am, I have celebrated his birthday. I would buy a cupcake or something, and a candle, and enjoy celebrating his spirit which lives today in all of us. He was the laughter in our family. He was the class clown growing up, and he never outgrew his childlike demeanor. He was warm-hearted. He was fun-loving. He was always doing some outrageous thing, and he was so genuinely happy to make everyone around him happy. He loved much. He was strikingly handsome. He was always looking for ways to leave a mark wherever he went. He often included me in his group of friends when we were growing up, not out of obligation, but out of a sincere desire to accept me as his only little brother.

Without these people in our lives, those who were so close to us; those who impacted our lives so very much, we couldn't know how to love. We attempt to bring a part of those who we have grown to love with us throughout life. We take bits and pieces of those who share a commonality. We learn from our life lessons. We come and go by the company we keep. We grow with each person who infiltrates our lives. We are not exclusively unique. Everything I have learned in life has come from my interactions with other people. Those people have left a mark on my life. I am not in contact with a lot of those people who have come and gone from my life. But they are always here. They are always with me. I see myself say or do something, and I recognize, I am more cognizant of where I learned that from. Some of the people I want so desperately to keep learning from have moved on. And I desperately miss them. Our time in life is a fleeting moment. So I try to take all the good I can from them, and leave as much good as I have to give with them.

There are friends and family members who I will lose in my lifetime which will strike me hard. But I need to recognize that I am thankful for every moment, and for every ounce of them in me. Those indelible marks they have left on my personality and in my heart. Those will never be erased. They will come to be a part of who I am. And I thank God for all of them. Past, present, and future. I thank God for the gift of time I was able to take something from them, and for those parts of them that I may pass on to others. We are all a woven fabric of humanity. I pray that the good that I have from those people who have meant so much to me in my life, I can pass to others, and they can take what they want and pass those to others, and so on, and so on.

I am thankful for the moments that I have difficulties in dealing well with situations. For in those moments, I learn how to trust in God's hand to direct my path. I am thankful for the moments that I am so weak, that it feels like there is nothing I can do to solve a given situation. It is then that I realize that there is nothing I can do to solve a given situation. But I give those moments to God. And I walk away, knowing that He is more powerful than any situation I face. He shows me what to be thankful for... each and every blessing I count each day!

All of our intimacies will ultimately be with God, in heaven. So I am thankful that I am learning to love unconditionally. Preparing me for my moment with the God of blessings. And my chance to thank Him unceasingly.