CHRISTMAS (EVE) MORNING

I haven't really written in a little while. My Christmas is about to be inundated with family, food, presents, and just a miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Missing those people who I wish I could spend time with this holiday. People I wish I could even just call (but can't), just to say, "Merry Christmas, and I'm thinking of you." I dislike Christmas time for the following reasons:

1) Christmas - People forget that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Savior. It is more about the gift of that perfect sacrifice for my sin, to make me right with God. No longer do we need to sacrifice a lamb on the day of atonement from Jewish Law in order to forgive sins, as Christ has come to take away the sin of the world. Wow! How can we compare any toy or clothes or gift card or cash with the gift of love so deep that God would send His son to earth, to DIE FOR ME???

2) Christmas - Way too commercial. Everyone is worried about the economic crisis in our country, and the most valuable indicator of how bad our economy is will be the seasonal purchases for gifting. It is sad that our global economy is also affected by this one holiday of gift-giving. We make it all about giving, but is it really? Look at # 3.

3) We are not giving without expectation of receiving. We look at Christmas, and we think, "oh, how wonderful that we can go buy these presents to give everyone," but at the end of the night, people are really looking at the expectation of receiving more than the gifting they did. This is not altruistic at all. We all look for the presents under the tree with our name on it, in anticipation that it will be exactly what we asked for. We even give our list to everyone, in hopes that they love us enough to spend the money on that one that is like... really special? How can we look at wanting to receive and then giving with the expectation of receiving in return? It isn't a gift if we forget that giving without expectation of receiving something is the gift. The difference is in the heart. When you give to someone with the expectation of some reward, or gift in return, then it is called bartering. We do that at work. We go to work hour after hour, day after day, with the expectation that we will receive a paycheck at the end of the week. YEAH, it is the same thing! If you really want to know what giving sacrificially means, go give all the things you just got from presents to a homeless shelter. Pass out the toys, clothes, cash and gift cards you just got to those who will know no other generosity of spirit this holiday season. That is where you will see how much your gift will matter.

4) When we have someone in our lives that we really want to be there with us, but we can't be there with them, then how can you really be as happy? Yeah, family is there with you all year long (at least in my family, we make it a regular occurrence to see each other often throughout the year), but when you don't see someone who you hold dear in your heart, it sucks! I am talking about those people you have had a falling out with, people you regret having said something to that hurt their feelings (and you know it), people that you really do care about and would rather know than not know. Those people who were a blessing to have known for however long you have, and you can't enjoy this Christmas blessing with them, that is what makes this holiday season really painful for me. And then you think of those we have lost to illness or death, like my brother or my dad. For some reason, we pull out the old video's of them at the holidays, and I can't sit in the room to watch that. It is really painful to not be able to share that time with them. I will be able to see them soon, someday when I get to heaven with them. But for now, all I have are memories. Not to mention, my dad died in November one year, and my brother died on the 17th of December the following year. So being so close to the holidays, it just sucks honoring their memories year after year at the same time... again... so close to this joyous time.

5) Christmas is misinterpreted as a holiday for kids. Santa Clause, or Saint Nicholas was this guy who was just showing the gift giving spirit by giving to those good little boys and girls a present at this time of year. But everyone was honored in this tradition. And when Saint Nicholas did it, he did it without any expectation of having anything given to him in return. He actually had the right idea. It would be nice if we all had that giving spirit. Young and old, give until it hurts. Give beyond your excesses. Give from your heart, without any expectation of receiving. Yes, it is more blessed to give than to receive. And I am not saying don't take anything that someone is giving you from their heart. Because you are actually, by taking the gift, allowing the giver to feel blessed for giving. So why would you not let them be blessed by giving you something. I am just saying, don't expect anything. Don't go around asking people what they want. Don't put together a list of what you want. Rather, just think of how you can give until it hurts, from the heart, and what that person would appreciate coming from you. Don't think of whether they would be happy with your particular tastes in gifts, because some people just don't have good taste when picking out gifts, everyone knows someone who just doesn't know how to shop for someone. And that is when you have to realize that it is really the thought that counts. But when you find that it is always the thought that counts, you are really getting the gifting spirit. You can't ask someone what they want and then get that for them, you have to actually think about what would make them smile, what would make them think of you, and how you can make someone happy. That is the spirit.

This year I remember the Christ of Christmas, and the most sacrificial gift God gave me through His son. I don't put much faith in global economies, but rather in the community life and community spirit of sharing. I give sacrificially with no expectation of receiving. I miss those who have touched my heart and can't share the day with me. I pray for them, and also pray they are thinking of me as well. I pray for reconciliation some day soon. I think about those who I have lost to death or illness. And I give until it hurts from the heart. I don't try to figure out what someone wants as much as I try to think of how I can make a heart happy by thinking about the person they mean to me.

This year I was blessed to be able to give someone some theater tickets that were really good. The cost was a lot more than the face value of the tickets but it was so worth it to know that he will enjoy that show more than anything in the world. His favorite obsession in the world is this show and I hope he will take the memory of me with him when he goes to see it. Because we don't talk anymore, sadly. And I will today cherish those who have distance between us. My friend in California, who I haven't seen in 6 years, but have talked to practically every day since we left P-town. My friend from high school who is now a youth pastor in Georgia. My brother and his family in Georgia and my other brother and his family in Alabama. My heart will miss my friend who is in jail in Florida. I just wrote him a letter to encourage him this year. It really has to suck to be locked up during the holidays. I have no idea what that could possibly feel like. But he drew me a Christmas card and I was so floored by that, that he was thinking of me this holiday season while he was in jail, wow! Steven, you rock man. Friends left behind in Georgia and Athens, and Cape Cod and Worcester, Massachusetts, Minnesota, and anyone I may not have mentioned here. Wow! This is the stuff I really love about Christmas. The thoughts of people who I hold so dear. And what they mean to me.

I guess, if I had kids, or even if on Christmas, it wasn't so... congested with false sentiment, and just shared among loved ones... if it wasn't so... unnatural, and just real... I think I would like Christmas a bit more. I guess if I could spend Christmas with one or two people... rather than the 30 I am about to, it would be a more... intimate time... a special time... that meant more to me. I love the holiday season, just not what we tend to make of it.

TAKING OFF THE MASKS

Lied? Even if it was unintentional, everyone has told lies to other people. Everyone has tried to live with some sense of honesty, as a value to respect, to hold dear, to want to aspire to be, trustworthy. There is always the time when you want to hold back some information, to let people believe or continue to believe in what they feel more comfortable with, rather than telling the truth, or outright lying to hide some facet of your life. You don't live in a bubble. There is no way possible that you can go through life with no blame, or no innocence.

You can not tell me that there is nothing that you did that would ever be so innocent that if your "truth" was out there, people would not look differently... as if there is no longer anything that you say or have said that was really true. Even if you gave all you could... nothing could undo that lie. It happened. You have to move forward. You have to recognize that you are not blameless, even if your "truths" are less drastic, or less important in your eyes... there is something that you know that is true in all the rest you know about someone, that you can definitely overlook the lie. You just have to. Or you will continue to have trust issues, because EVERYONE has a dark side. Everyone has been untrue in some way. Everyone is a jerk in their own way. Everyone can be a bitch sometimes. Everyone can walk away and not give another thought to it or to the bond that was made... thinking they took the moral high road, but that doesn't help you to know that there is a lot of trust that someone puts into telling you their truth someday... That in order to reveal the truth, one has to have complete faith that you will forgive them. And one has to know the risk of losing something so dear to them, that the truth should not be as significant, or life shattering. In order to share that truth, someone has to know that the bonds you have are real to them. And someone has to pray that you will be able to forgive, and to trust that there is more to them than the truth that was hidden from you.

For whatever reason, we all hide our "faces" from plain view. We all want to see an ideal. We all have a mask on. We all hide. Therefore we all show only that which is appealing to others. Sometimes, we show too much of ourselves, and that often puts people off. But when you can accept that of others, what they are really about, the transparent part, and they can accept you despite your flaws or idiosyncrasies, then isn't the lie worth looking past? There is so much more to someone than the skeletons in their closet. Please love the part of someone that you know you have love for... despite the masks that are coming off.

Transparency in someone has more to do with what you see in them than how they appear. When you read a book, you don't do it by the cover, you do it by digging into the plot. And when you have a book that you don't want to put down, you won't put it down. I hope you won't put this book down, there is such a good ending coming up. I do believe in happily ever afters. Despite the ups and downs that everyone goes through along the way. There is a forever out there. And the masks being revealed are not a way of hiding from you, but a way of giving you the good with the bad. Can you look past the limits you have to keep reading the story? It is a good story. There are parts that are sad, and hurtful, but there are so many happy moments. There are so many heart warming moments, and exciting spontaneous moments. There are so many good plot lines in this book. And there are so many chapters left to write together. Write the rest together. Don't put the book on a shelf to get dusty. Let the masks come off, their masks and yours.

I remember watching a television show. There was a blind girl who fell in love with someone, who saw her blindness as a disability at first, and didn't know if he could look past that blindness, until he finally realized the blindness didn't show who the girl was really. But when he finally fell in love with her, she found out that he was a white man. And being black, she rejected the idea of looking at the racial differences and stopped seeing the man. How utterly disturbing that people can let go of a mask and let go of all the good behind the person when the mask is taken off.

SHALLOW GRAVE OF HUMANITY

I am getting to the place in my life where it just seems as if the rest is all uphill. I am almost to the mid-life point. I am left to wonder if it is all just shit, or can one person make a difference. I don’t know how I came into this world. I don’t know how I lasted. And I don’t know when I am going to leave. But I have contemplated the chances I have taken and the circumstances I have lived with that I should have been snuffed out. I never died, and that leaves me to wonder how significant my life will be. In my faith, I know that my purpose in life has not been fulfilled yet. I feel as if I was spared from major disease, although I have definitely put myself at risk. And I was spared from death, although there have been times that I should surely have died.

What makes it most difficult for me is that I don’t just get through life, I analyze it to death. I worry, I agonize, I look optimistically in some aspects of the future, and pessimistically in others. I don’t have a clue what the future holds. There is no certainty in life. Even death is uncertain to me. I don’t know what else I can trust in besides my faith. That has been the only thing that has given me strength when I was weak. Faith has been the only thing that has made a dismal outlook seem somewhat tolerable. And it is that faith that gives me hope that somewhere in time, when all else is hopeless, there will be something that will bring me to the next day.

What I would like to see, is a happier day. I have had the fortune of experiencing real joy for brief moments. And life isn’t always one big party. I know that. But what I don’t know is why. I wish I could not let things get to me. Why was I so cursed with this raging mind that just never seems to stop thinking about things? I think about how I can make a difference. I think about what people think, and how they react, what makes them feel, do they feel. I think about how to change people’s attitudes and how to help them adapt to a healthier or more loving attitude. There seems to be so much hatred in the world. There seems to me that some evil is penetrating to the very individual souls, which like an infection, spreads to other souls. It hurts me to see the spread of hatred, but it is almost universal and so is a quest to be better than the other person. It seems that power, money, material gain, toys, outweigh peace, joy, solitude, character, and integrity.

When I think about what I can do, I think it’s a hopeless situation. And it frustrates me that I can try and try and try. And at best, my efforts are noble. But they are seen as naïve. I may be naïve, but I am so far from unintelligent. I get it. I don’t want to sometimes. Because when people take for granted the lightness I try to give, it hurts more than anything. When my confidence in someone is built on faith, and then broken on a lie, at a whim, it hurts. I make attempts at drawing out of people the sensitivity, and the compassion, and the character that I know is there. Some don’t see it in themselves because they were not given that from birth and instead, the compassion I show is seen not as strength of character but as a weakness or a character flaw. In their sense of building a wall, a defense mechanism, they build themselves up and reason that it is better off at the top. Instead, humanity is spiraling into a shallow grave.

HOW DON'T YOU KNOW ME?

I have always been a transparent person. When you see me, you see everything I am, because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have had shameful moments in my past, and I have done things that I would have changed given different circumstances or life experiences, but those same life experiences and circumstances, and my reactions to them have all made me believe what I believe today about the world around me. And I have no problem expressing my feelings about those beliefs or how I view the world around me. One chief way I try to do this is by writing this blog. I have never held back some emotion or raw feeling I have gone through in order to spare my feelings. I have in private conversations, shared really personal details of events which have shaped my way of thinking and which have made me a stronger person. And when someone chooses, they can ask me almost anything they want and I will ultimately share those experiences with anyone (within reason and recollection).

So how don't you know me? You don't spend the time or energy, or you don't have the inclination to get to know me, or to allow me to get to know you. In order for someone to share intimate moments (no, I am not talking about sexual intimacy), someone has to give and take in real conversation about how life is viewed. You have to share your heart, in order to find someone who shares your commonalities in beliefs or prospective dreams for the future. You have to give the opportunity for disappointment when you hear truths and you have to continue to trust, learn to give, and learn most importantly to forgive wrongs.

You have to be able to let someone know you and have the willingness to know that person beyond what you would expect, because the unexpected will have to be dealt with in your own way of thinking. Especially if something someone believes is contrary to your own beliefs or convictions. How do you as a political Republican find commonality with a political Democrat? Or how do you as a follower of the Jewish faith, fall in love with someone who is a Lutheran Christian? How can one who is fully 40 years old, with the heart of a 20 year old find common sense in falling in love with someone half his age? But all of these things happen, and they happen in the most unique circumstances. But without communication which is dependent on the other's giving of themselves, there is no growth. Relationships become stagnant or worse, break apart dramatically.

How don't you know me? When all you have to do is ask... I will tell you whatever you want to know. But don't be afraid to share who you are with me, because I am totally interested in knowing you as well.

Perhaps you know me too well, perhaps we have more in common than you think. Perhaps we think alike, and even have the same stubbornness when we look at each other and have an argument. Yeah, I can be thick at times. But it isn't because I think I'm automatically right, more than I know that salvaging a friendship is more important to me than anything in the world.

REUNIONS

Today was truly a blessing to me. Over the past week, I found someone so close to our family. It was over 13 years ago, my brother was in the middle of a very difficult divorce. He tried to remain in his son's life by visits and such, but on one visit, he was forced to face a reality that he never thought possible. His ex wife was a member of a very prominent family who was not happy about their little girl's broken marriage, and they made it clear through some very specific instructions and signs that he was no longer to be in his son's life.

Years had passed, and my nephew had grown up, away from the hole that was left in the hearts of all of us in the family. His sister, my niece, had attempted to find him and contact him, to no avail. My mom attempted to contact his grandmother to ask at his 18th birthday to find him and to reconnect. She was told not to bother. Over the years, he was a missing piece. It was a brokenness that has been with us since we lost him to this bitter divorce. Yet despite all our efforts, we never knew what became of him.

Thanks to that horrible thing I spoke of earlier in my blogs, that wicked "social network" called MySpace, I was able to find him. I looked through his page, and sent him a very personal message. I asked if he was the same who was born of his mother's name, and asked him to contact me via my AIM account and left him my screen name. Within days, I received a message while I was online. It was incredibly, my nephew. Looking at him talk to me online... through these words, that appeared almost magically on the computer screen, my heart stopped. My eyes welled up with tears and I yelled for my mom to come into my room.

She came and I told her who I was chatting with. We immediately wanted to talk to him. And we were all so very overcome with a wellspring of elation. It was so surreal. And so we began talking on the phone, and I began to make phone calls about the surprise I had in store for my brother. He has never been the same, losing his son. This boy was his pride and joy. This boy was his buddy. And this boy was his life blood! We then kept in phone contact until this afternoon when I could see him, for coffee.

We met at a Starbucks outside the town where he was going to college now, majoring in music and theology. I was amazed that we were both introspective thinkers, with many shared views on both theology and life. I was equally amazed that this boy who I babysat as a 15 year old, was not a boy anymore but a wonderfully grown man. He was everything our whole family prayed he would become.

Over the course of our chat, we discussed religion, philosophy, psychology, politics, and we talked about our lives over the past 13 years. We talked about the family he had missed knowing, and the man he had become in our absence. And we vowed to remain connected, as he had also been searching for us. He was quite intelligent and very gifted in musical ability as well as his understanding of people.

At the end of our nearly 2 hour chat, since we were both quite spiritual, and both believed this reunion was a blessing from God, we prayed together. I broke down in the middle of what I was saying, and began weeping so uncontrollably, that I couldn't continue. He came over and hugged me and continued our prayer where I left off. And as I write this blog, I again well up with tears. Overjoyed, I know that all reunions of lost friends and loved ones in our life are indeed blessings.

I know that in my life, there have been people who have come and gone. And no relationship has ever ended in a "good way" or it wouldn't have ended in the first place. Those which have ended have always ended because of some painful moment or circumstance. And the opportunity is always there for reconciliation, repentance, and reunions. It is only through the blessing of God on the hearts of those who are seeking to mend those lost ties that bind us, are we truly given another opportunity at knowing the love that has been missing from our hearts. Those 13 years without my nephew, has allowed me to recognize that God led us back together at the right time and place in our lives when we were ready for that reunion. And that missing part of my heart was filled this day.

This week, as an early Christmas present to my brother, I will bring his son to reunite with his dad; his buddy; his life blood. And I can only imagine the emotion that will be in the room during that moment. I don't doubt the emotions will be overwhelming. And I pray still, for the day to reunite with old friends and loved ones from my past, if not in this life then at least in the one to come.

Thanks for reunions, God, truly one of your many wonderful blessings!

VFR - FLYING IN CLEAR SKIES

I guess this isn't something that a lot of people understand. The VFR stands for visual flight rules. It is what beginning pilots have to fly in. In other words, you gotta be able to see where you are going in order to fly. You have to fly below the clouds, and you have to have clear skies to fly in your path. You can't get in the clouds if you are not as familiar with instruments yet. So you are learning the basics. I always wanted to learn to fly. I still do. I don't have a hundred thousand dollars for all the flight training you need to fly private jets (which is what I want to fly). And the biggest problem for me is the fact that I have a slight color deficiency. So in order to pass a flight physical, I have to be able to show enough sufficiency in color differentiation. It sucks, because it is just a slight deficiency, and I can still see green and red flashing beacon lights on a plane coming at me. Eh. It takes a lot to commit to flying. But everyone needs to fly in clear skies.

I was talking before about flying in the clouds. When you are so lost if you don't know how to read your instruments. You could run into clouds, or other planes in the sky that you just can't see. Well, experienced pilots can fly through the clouds because they know the terrain, they know their instruments, and they pretty much know exactly how to handle it.

I was really in the clouds in my life. For a few weeks I was dealing with something that totally got me. I mean, I was so happy that I didn't realize that I was making myself (and those around me) miserable. It was horrible, what I did. I mean, I didn't do it to cause people pain. But in the middle of it, I couldn't see what I was doing so wrong. I just thought I was doing what my heart led me to do. And part of me was right. Part though, was just so in the clouds. I was so lost that I couldn't see what I was doing. And here is me, this cocky new pilot, who thinks he knows his instruments well enough that he doesn't realize that his plane is not equipped with any radar equipment to detect oncoming traffic in the clouds. And being the cocky pilot I was, I collided with another aircraft (person) in mid air. My plane (heart) went up in flames, and came crashing to the ground. I felt this weak feeling for a few days. And then I came back to the crash and looked around. I saw the wreck, and considered myself lucky for coming out alive. But I don't know how my wreck affected the other people in the other plane. And I didn't see all the mistakes I made until I looked back and saw the wreckage. I felt bad for all the damage I caused, but I couldn't apologize to the people who I crashed into. They were nowhere to be found.

I imagine, years down the line... perhaps running into one of the survivors of that crash, to apologize. To cry, and to beg forgiveness. I pray that someday, they can see all the ways I tried to make the flight go well. And that it wasn't my intention to crash. I pray that some day, the pieces will tell me and them that when you follow your heart, you may not always be flying in the clear skies, and you don't always know everything. You aren't experienced enough to get through, without listening to other pilots around who have more experience and can guide you through those clouds.

I'm sorry R., B. I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't even know if you are reading this blog. I haven't written in it for a few days. But I hope you are keeping up with it. I hope that my friendship meant more to you than just the bad you may remember, or the flight plan I took. I hope you can understand why I took the path I did, and forgive me for not taking it slower. If only's don't really do much good when you are looking back. I took chances that I shouldn't have. And I hurt myself, and the people who I cared about. You mean a lot to me. And I recognize that I am not on the same level as you. I am supposed to be flying in clear skies, under VFR conditions. I should have listened to more experienced pilots when they told me to fly under the clouds. And you are probably instrument ready. I hope I can catch up to your level some day. I still hope I can find a way to get those tickets to you.

If this blog makes no sense to you, its okay. It was really meant for someone else. But if you are reading this, and it does make sense, its because you are reading it right.


Thanks.

LOVE IS...

I guess it's a new day. The end of a chapter in my life. I thought the chapter would have been filled with more highs than lows, but we try to love and in the end, all we can do is walk away with another harsh lesson in love. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes, it just isn't the right person. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to communicate with someone, they don't want to hear it, and rather just prove how much love can really hurt. Healing from scars that wounds so deep... not based on the time you spent trying to get to know someone, but more on the words that cut you so deep, like a knife. Those wounds are the ones that will show a scar.

I didn't want to blog yesterday because it would have been filled with undue pain. I wanted a day to clear my head and just pray for him, and for me. I still think the tickets are his. I don't know how that will happen. But I will still keep my promise. I never lied, and I never meant to hurt him, despite his cruelty.

Anyways, I figured I would just share something here, that defines real love. If you ever saw the movie with Mandy Moore, A Walk to Remember, you will see Landon reading from a book, the chapter on love. It comes in simple English from the book of I Corinthians, Chapter 13. I hope you like it... and I hope it permeates your whole being. This is what I desire above all else. A love like this.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for evil.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end, understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us.

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

This was from the Message//REMIX version. I think it is a really easy to understand translation with a powerful punch of contemporary insight.

WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR?

Wow! How do I begin? Do I just list reasons to be thankful? And who am I thankful to? Like who am I supposed to thank? We have this crazy, silly family tradition, where we sit around the table, all 30 of us or so, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, kids, mom, me, and we pray (thanking God for the bounty). Then we go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Corny? Probably. And everybody wonders when the longwinded one will start (let's not mention names), and when will the last of us say, "I'm thankful that we can finally get to eat!" Many who read this will have some sort of similar tradition in their family. And we just do it like we are telling others what we have. Family, friends, job (it's a tight economy), love, etc. You can list all the possibilities. Each of us should be thankful for some things. But let's stop being so generic. Let's really get to what we need to be thanking for, and who we need to be thanking.

I believe that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So that is always the who. Every blessing in my life is automatically from God. But I am constantly thanking God for those blessings in my life. I recognize that I don't deserve something good, some good thing that I have, or someone who really touches my heart in some way. And I thank God for bringing me those blessings, those things that are undeserved, those wonderful people who are always inspiring me to be a better person, despite myself.

But what about thanking God for all the trials in life. All the times that I needed Him the most. And it seems as if those times are not very thankful times... I don't want to be grateful when I lost someone who meant so much to me, this past year. Because I miss them. I won't be able to break bread with them at the Thanksgiving table anymore. And I won't be able to have the discussions I once had while bicycling or roller blading on the lake front. We won't be able to go to the coffee shop at 1:00 am for a game of cards or backgammon and a cup of Greek coffee. And I won't get to tell them all the things I needed them to know. I won't be able to say I love them, one more time. That's all I need. But those days are not the days I want to be thankful for. Those are the days that I want to be alone. Those are the days that I think of "regrets." I say I don't regret anything in my life. But that's not completely true. Because I do regret not having a better relationship with my father. We just didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. We had stubborn personalities that always seemed to clash. And at times, we both tried in our own way to meet in the middle, but it never happened. This week, listening to friends who have lost loved ones this past year, made me think back to my dad, and my brother. Who died within one year of each other. And that year I was lost. I was so not sure how to grieve, because nobody had ever died that I was as close to as them. I didn't cry, like some in my family. I did months later. When I went to Greece, and lived where he lived as a child growing up. I recognized the similarities in my father and in me. I cherished those character traits I inherited from him. I am grateful for the heart he gave me. He was always the provider in our family. He married my mom, a woman with 7 kids from a previous marriage, and raised those children as his own, as well as me, their only son. He was a die-hard gambler. He brought me to the race track often as a little kid, to watch as he squandered money on race after race. But he always managed to give what he didn't have to a friend who needed it. He took chances on people that didn't deserve them. He gave until it hurt. He would have the insight to look over a crowd of his "friends" and know which ones were true friends and which ones thought him a fool.

My brother was only 7 years older than me. He died at the age of 35, on his birthday in December. Every year, no matter where I am, I have celebrated his birthday. I would buy a cupcake or something, and a candle, and enjoy celebrating his spirit which lives today in all of us. He was the laughter in our family. He was the class clown growing up, and he never outgrew his childlike demeanor. He was warm-hearted. He was fun-loving. He was always doing some outrageous thing, and he was so genuinely happy to make everyone around him happy. He loved much. He was strikingly handsome. He was always looking for ways to leave a mark wherever he went. He often included me in his group of friends when we were growing up, not out of obligation, but out of a sincere desire to accept me as his only little brother.

Without these people in our lives, those who were so close to us; those who impacted our lives so very much, we couldn't know how to love. We attempt to bring a part of those who we have grown to love with us throughout life. We take bits and pieces of those who share a commonality. We learn from our life lessons. We come and go by the company we keep. We grow with each person who infiltrates our lives. We are not exclusively unique. Everything I have learned in life has come from my interactions with other people. Those people have left a mark on my life. I am not in contact with a lot of those people who have come and gone from my life. But they are always here. They are always with me. I see myself say or do something, and I recognize, I am more cognizant of where I learned that from. Some of the people I want so desperately to keep learning from have moved on. And I desperately miss them. Our time in life is a fleeting moment. So I try to take all the good I can from them, and leave as much good as I have to give with them.

There are friends and family members who I will lose in my lifetime which will strike me hard. But I need to recognize that I am thankful for every moment, and for every ounce of them in me. Those indelible marks they have left on my personality and in my heart. Those will never be erased. They will come to be a part of who I am. And I thank God for all of them. Past, present, and future. I thank God for the gift of time I was able to take something from them, and for those parts of them that I may pass on to others. We are all a woven fabric of humanity. I pray that the good that I have from those people who have meant so much to me in my life, I can pass to others, and they can take what they want and pass those to others, and so on, and so on.

I am thankful for the moments that I have difficulties in dealing well with situations. For in those moments, I learn how to trust in God's hand to direct my path. I am thankful for the moments that I am so weak, that it feels like there is nothing I can do to solve a given situation. It is then that I realize that there is nothing I can do to solve a given situation. But I give those moments to God. And I walk away, knowing that He is more powerful than any situation I face. He shows me what to be thankful for... each and every blessing I count each day!

All of our intimacies will ultimately be with God, in heaven. So I am thankful that I am learning to love unconditionally. Preparing me for my moment with the God of blessings. And my chance to thank Him unceasingly.

IT'S ONLY A SONG

Truly passionate people come along very seldom. I know, because I think I was cursed with raw passion. I say cursed, because to the unfeeling eye, that line of passion can easily cross over to the "creepy" or "freaky" in an instant. More to do with what other people say about you means so much when it makes all your feelings seem to be a lot of insane thinking. Call me insane. With that passion, does come a lot of really emotional responses or to others they may be seen as immature "reactions." As some of you read in my last blogs, there are times that in your eyes, there is just nothing else you can say but what you feel about something, or someone. And they can react to that in one of two ways: 1) take what you are saying as just a part of you, and your passion, lovable as always because of how you make the other person feel good about themselves, or 2) take what you are saying as a really weird thing to say, because "normal" people don't say those things, or act that way. It's all about the way I express myself. It isn't "normal." I don't see how I look at people on every level as "normal." I don't think my insights are insights that "normal" people have. And I am glad that I am who I am!

I was talking to a friend the other night about music. I mentioned that sometimes music is so powerful to people because it is real! When you listen to a song, the lyrics and the music are so emotionally at where we are, but we won't ever admit to it. I think it has to do with the sensory stimulation of the melody as well as the lyrics. Like, if I were to say something in a letter or in person to someone, or on the phone even, it would come across as "scary" because the amount of time I have known them isn't enough to know them well. But yet one of the number one songs Savage Garden wrote, was so popular and became the song that people often got sick of hearing on the radio, because it was one of their two "hit songs" they ever had. So I give Savage Garden credit for saying something that I couldn't say, because if I did, someone would think I was crazy.

You don't need to know everything about someone to give them a part of you. Obviously, when you give someone some trust, and they break that trust, then you don't give as much, because they can't be trusted with what you gave them. But you have to give of yourself in order to understand what it means to give and to receive. When you see something, don't be afraid of saying, "I really do care about you." Don't be afraid of saying "I love you!" Obviously, there are things about that person you do indeed love. And it shows in how they make you feel. And you want to pursue more, and you want to feel like it is mutual. But from someone who doesn't quite see it the way you do, they may think that you have only known them for a little bit, and it is impossible for you to feel that way. It can be creepy. But why? Why is expressing something so wrong? Why are you afraid of letting someone say what they feel about you? If someone made a song, and you both heard it at a magical moment when you met, you would say... "That can be our song."

Often times, when someone gives of themselves, and finds that the person they cared about screwed them over, they bring that to other relationships. They become JADED! And they can't look past the trust issues from their last relationships. They can only enter into something with a "guarded" perspective. And after a while, after losing trust in more than one person, they don't have the capability to trust anyone unless it is earned. Often, that leads to someone who has no trust for anyone.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF NOT TRUSTING BY TRUSTING MORE! In your next relationship, may I make a suggestion? Give of yourself, as if you just met that person and you want to know them. Give of yourself, as if it didn't cost you a thing. Give of yourself, as if you wanted to have them give of themselves to you. And when you see someone who captures your heart at first sight... or at the moment you see what it is you were always looking for, say it. And pray that they get it.

This is an excerpt of a post a friend of mine had a couple days ago, and my response:



Date: Nov 24, 2008 2:18 AM
Subject: is it possible to be in love with someone you shouldn't be in love with?

Body:
ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! although, often, circumstances and others will try their hardest to make that as difficult as humanly possible. Then you go on faith.

Unrequited love is a love that you have for someone who doesn't share the same love for you. It is very possible. And sad. But it happens often. And you shouldn't let ANYONE or anything tell you that what you feel or who you care about is worth any less than your heart! Because it is YOUR HEART we are talking about, right?

Or was it mine?

:-)


This song, by Savage Garden, I dedicate to the passionate people I have met most recently, and in the past; those I have given a part of my heart to. And I hope you will take the time to listen to it on a music player while reading its lyrics:



"I Knew I Loved You"



Maybe it's intuition
but some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

(To Fade)

"VIRTUAL FRIENDS"

Social networks are not my favorite past time. Instant messaging, Myspace, Facebook, they are all ways to display all you can about you, to complete strangers and friends, and then become vulnerable when these "virtual relationships" don't end up being the best thing you had hoped for. I guess nothing is a substitute for people who are real friends, people who care about you for who you are rather than a default picture, people who will tell you the truth when it's the last thing you want to hear and the first thing you need to hear.

I kept believing that you could create something that was just what it was all along. You loose faith in people when you can't communicate. You loose faith when promises you make to try to fix things are broken almost as soon as they are made. You feel embarrassed, and foolish. You wish people didn't react the way they do, but what else can they do. They are only looking at words on a screen, or comments forwarded to their cell phone. They aren't looking at your facial expressions to see the way you really feel. And they aren't hearing the inflections in your voice to hear the melodic cues you are giving in your speech. So why would someone care?

You also wish that you didn't react the way you did, but what else could you have done, when you are so disappointed and frustrated, that you want to tell someone what you are thinking, but you can't type fast enough to get every thought across before they begin typing something to take you off track of your thoughts, and then you get even more frustrated, and need to explain what you are thinking or feeling, again with no emotional idea of facial cues to give or receive, no inflections in voice to give an idea to the listener how your mood is elevated, or diminished, no way to see through the looking glass as to what the person on the other end of the conversation is really reading into what you are typing, or reading something you don't really mean... contextually, they are looking at one thing that they are focusing on, and you are trying to get across a point with the lack of all these sensory cues. It is impossible to find peace in all this two dimensional words on a screen instead of face to face communication.

Yeah, people argue in person. People argue on the phone, and on the internet. People argue while driving, while working, while making dinner, while doing anything. People have interpersonal turmoil. That is not a problem. You can walk away, or hang up the phone, or quit your job, or throw the food across the room, or anything while arguing. But people making up is rarely possible when you are blocked from being seen by the person on the other end of the internet connection, or deleted from their buddy list. You can totally throw away anything at whim. Or in this case, anyone.

Do you get attached too easily? Yeah, when I put energy into any kind of relationship with someone, giving of myself, interpersonal moments you share, or a part of you that you don't share with others, you feel so much more comfortable sharing with your new "friend" only to find that this all meant so much less to them than to you. To find that you meant so much less to them than they mean to you. Virtual Friends are not a substitution for actual interpersonal relationships. But on the other hand, people need to be aware that there is an actual person on the other side of the connection, with real feelings, with real emotions, who cares about you as much or more than you can care about them. And if you are at all caring, you will think about that before you tread all over their heart. The expenditure of energy into developing a relationship of any kind is quite expensive. Especially when that energy is tossed aside or deleted or lost in cyberspace.

LIFE 101

Thought I would blog today about something more light than I usually write about. I want to tell you what I think everyone should take in college within the first two years of being enrolled. Now, granted, everyone will have different professors, or different roles within their respective classes. And some professors will not know what the hell they are talking about. So I will even tell you how to find the right professor.

I need to preface this blog with the fact that I totally sucked in High School! I was really intelligent, and insightful, and found high school lacking for my capabilities. Not to mention that my high school was not the most conducive place to find a good education. I took what I could get from it. But in the end, I graduated with a D average and a 23 on my ACT. Not a very impressive feat. But on my first attempt at college, I hated it! It was just not the right time for me to focus like I could. I didn't really get as much as I did this second time around.

When I went to college after time away from it all, I totally thrived! I made the Dean's List of Academic Achievement! I had A's where I used to get D's and F's because I was really there to learn! It was amazing when I got A's on papers that I worked so hard on. And one of them was the highest grade in a class with a really difficult instructor who didn't like me much prior to turning in that paper. She really saw more to me after that paper. And I cherish her today! It was such an accomplishment! And I took a lot of pride in my work. Do it in your time. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't break boundaries in class or status. Because with a good education, you can surpass the boundaries anyone has ever put on you.


1) English Composition - You have to be able to write well in order to get ANY type of degree. And this one class, along with the 12 years you have supposedly been taking English in elementary and high school, should prepare you to properly express yourself in concise and readable form. It is essential that people know how to express themselves in written form. And the sooner the better! This is an elementary class in college, but of such importance that you need to take it in your first semester! I would suggest asking students who have taken this course, which professors allow for freedom in writing projects, as each person has their own experiences to bring to the table which interest them.

2) Oral Communication - This is really a great class for opening up to complete strangers in class with dialogue that is personal, in a way to express yourself in public! It is great for both the shy type personality, and the outgoing personality. I was really quite informed on this subject with a Professor who gave me an open mic to express my views on a broad range of subjects. I preferred to speak on topics that interested me. From my coming out story, to age of consent laws, to homophobia in our society. It was a fun way of getting to know myself, and sharing that with others.

3) General Psychology - This class has a slightly different set of rules for paper writing. It is a little complex as far as citing all your references for research. But in this class, you really get to understand personality, behaviors, disorders, and it is all stuff you can actually use to understand others and yourself better! It broadens your horizon, to start looking at people in a more global sense. You can see how Psychology has evolved in thinking and perspectives from behaviorists, and those who believe in cognitive approaches, to now new research methods dealing with brain functions and neurological sciences. It is amazing how much stuff is available for us to just understand other people. And they cram a brief overview into a very short semester. But if this stuff interests you like it did me, you will be taking a lot more psychology courses in the years to come (as did I), including Abnormal Psychology, Psychology of Sexuality, Child Psychology, Adolescent Psychology, Crisis Management and Intervention, and a host of others. What an amazing field of study!

4) Theater - Rehearsal and Performance. If you are lucky enough to be cast in a play in college, you will really have fun learning all kinds of methods of acting preparation. You will get into the local theater scene, and attend performances with a new perspective. You will really enjoy working together with all the players, with parties, preparation, performance, and wrap and post-mortem. And in it all, you will really become more like a family than anything else! Great times. Great people. Great experience. HARD WORK! Don't think you can coast by in this class. It takes a LOT of effort from so many people to put a production together that is really good! And once it is over, you will know the rewards, of finishing that long project with others and celebrating together after each performance. You may even turn into a master thespian! And you may look forward to more casting calls once you finish! Even if you don't get cast in a performance role, there are so many production positions which are so crucial to the great performance! From set design, to sound and lights, to back stage props, to stage manager, to advertising manager and house manager! There are no small parts! And EVERYONE shares the success of the show! Break a LEG!!!

5) Along with the theater, there are other creative outlets. I happened to choose RADIO BROADCASTING! Some colleges didn't offer this. But I thoroughly enjoyed preparing for a 2 hour long weekly call-in talk show about love, romance, dating, relationships, and sex! I brought in friends to be my co-hosts each week, and we were able to pre-record a lot of the segments. We played my music list. We touched on topics that were geared to a younger audience, including teen mag gossip. And we played a little candy pop music. It was an intense RADIO HIGH! Each and every night we were on, it was like we had a successful show!

6) Stress Management for Optimal Health - offered in some nursing programs, or medical fields programs. You should really find this course. The Professor I had was not really that amazing, as far as professors, she didn't stand out in my mind as charismatic or enlightening. But it was nice understanding the stress response mechanisms we have. It is nice being able to find things to focus on when I have no control over what is going on around me. Dealing with stress is one of the most influential aspects on our health. Some physicians report that over 75% of all illnesses that are treated today are caused by the underlying stress we go through each day. Although this class is at times a little "New Age," we can all find ways of transposing mindful meditation and the techniques in this course to our own belief system. Pray, read, take time to unwind. We are all so driven. And we put our bodies through so much. No wonder we are filling nursing homes with elderly. This is a take what you can course. Like I said, there are some things that are redundant with General Psychology, as far as dealing with the neurological aspects of stress. But there are lots more interesting ways of dealing with stress in this class. It is a good thing to understand!



I wouldn't suggest taking a psych course when you take a science course. Keep your loads light when taking these courses as they require a lot of time and energy in producing quality papers and learning complex formulas.

Aside from those classes, I really hope you realize that college is supposed to be fun! It can not be so fun that you ignore the real purpose of being there. You need to focus on deadlines and dates. Because falling behind in a course, missing a single lecture in some courses could mean the difference between a solid grade letter and a lot of useful information. Be committed to what you are doing there. Yeah, have fun! But keep your mantra, work hard, play hard. And college will become as fulfilling as any time in your life! You will meet people who will be there for you in your future, unlike some who loose friends from elementary and high schools. And you will cherish learning like no other time in your life. I have found that being away from school for summer breaks and holidays, and even now, having not attended in a while, I miss it.

As time goes by, I will add to this list. I just wanted to pop something in here for you all to find a little lighter since the last week or so has been a bit dark for me. I am sure all of that other stuff I have been experiencing will pass and things will be fine again. But for now, this is all I have the energy to write about. I will bring you more on another day!

Thank you to Dr. Frances-Dee Berlin, PhD Psych, and all the Psych Prof's at CCCC, Prof. David Still, Prof. Lisa Zinsius, Prof. Michael Tritto, and a special thank you to Nick StJohn, who passed away just a year after I left CCCC. You were truly a friend and mentor to me. Thank you for encouraging me in all my endeavors! You will remain in my heart always.

I APPOLOGIZE

IN ADVANCE OF THE NEXT CHAPTER IN MY LIFE... MY WRITING MAY TAKE A DARK TURN... ONLY DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES. PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS... BUT I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE OF THE NEXT FEW BLOGS. PLEASE REMEMBER THE PAIN I HAVE BEFORE YOU READ AND THINK THEY ARE REPRESENTATIVE OF MY HEART. RIGHT NOW THAT HEART IS STONE COLD.

JADED!

I always had hope... that somewhere there were people in the world who cared about others more than they cared about themselves. I had been screwed over so many times in my life... too many to count. But I kept a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, thinking that there was someone out there who still believed it mattered that you just don't hurt people. I always hoped that somewhere in this world... there was someone who wasn't JADED. And that despite what they go through in this world, they wouldn't do what I had seen time and time again from people. But it happened. The most amazing person I had found in my life in such a long time. And he ended our friendship in the most uncaring way. He brought me to sobbing tears. His words cut me deeper than any knife... I didn't deserve it. I am JADED.

IT DOES SUCK

It's funny when people joke with you... Especially when you are trying to act all serious. It is nice when you can laugh about it. It does suck, however, when they gnaw at you about something they know upsets you. It does suck, however, when they are friends with you one day, and then think about something and then blow it off with no explanation. It does suck, however, when you care about your friends, and then watch as one of them looses her friend in front of your eyes. It does suck, however, when you loose one of your friends in front of your own eyes. It does suck, however, when all you can do is let them go... and pray they really care enough to come back someday. It does suck, however, that now you have those memories that are just memories. It does suck, however, when you wonder if there will ever be more memories. It does suck, however, when you smile, and you know it is just a fake smile. It does suck, however, when you used to smile, and meant it. It does suck, however, that you have no control over what people choose to believe about you. It really sucks when you want to just sleep, but you are so restless... because you care.

I could deal with all the limitations that there are, but it does suck that friends put limits on friendship.

I WANTED TO BLOG TODAY...

But I didn't know how to say... ANYTHING right! I keep messing up I guess. I don't know how... to think about anything... I have to work tomorrow, which is nice... It gives me a chance to get out of the house. I hope it snows again tomorrow... I like catching snowflakes on my face. I, like my friend, don't like the cold, but the snow is really pretty!

Hopefully, when the winter is over, so will this feeling be.


I will try to blog later this week... when I am feeling better... Thanks for reading it anyways.

THE BOOK OF PSALMS

It is a HUGE book in the Bible. It has both praise, and prayer. It shows the loss and the gain. It shows the trials and the blessings. It asks for and gives thanks. It remains one of the most powerful, comforting books of the Bible. It is a refuge for me when I am under attack, or filled with sorrow. It is my lifeline when circumstances are beyond my grasp. I can be drowning, and it will be there to grab hold of my hand and lift me out of the deep end. I can be in a battle for truth, and it will be my strength. There is no strength in me. I am weak. I put myself out there, because I yearn to trust. I yearn to find one to trust. I give, and get my hopes up because I know I have seen things that WERE there. And my beliefs and dreams get shattered like a delicate thin glass figurine. So I go to the Psalms, and I read about 10 or 20 short chapters. Life's mysteries begin to unfold before my eyes.

And I don't need a thing. I am placed in a vast green pasture. When I am thirsty, I find something to drink. I catch my breath and am led in the right direction. Even when the path leads to Death Valley, I'm not afraid because GOD is by my side. He makes me feel secure there. He offers me up a huge plate of food in front of my enemies. He lifts me up. He fills my cup with EVERY blessing. His beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. In the Psalms, I find myself at home, with GOD.

(portions excerpted with my own translation from Psalms 23.)

PICKING UP THE PIECES

I fell. I got back up. I fell again. I got back up. I fell a lot. But I've always gotten back up. It's the way it is with matters of the heart.

I don't know what the hell to say... do... think... Everything I say now is just making things worse for everyone involved (although that is only 2 people). When I say something though, I can get my feelings across... But that is what destroyed it in the first place. I don't know if it's my fault... or just the timing and circumstances. I guess I'll never know. I am so lost. My heart aches... And there is nothing to do to fix that. Time... Space... Someone needs space... from me... that's a good thing... for both of us... I need the space too... But I still want that friendship... because I still believe in the future. I pray that someone will miss me as well, in the space. Remember me... Think of the heartfelt short time we had... The smiles on both of our faces when we shared our feelings... thoughts... good times... Not enough... hopes for more... good times... long talks... walks in the rain... heartwarming moments.

I still see the possibility someday. Is that a bad thing? I will move on in time... But today just sucks! I have very many bits and pieces of a broken heart... and each time... it heals. But with all the bits and pieces... I still love... all those I've fallen for.

Waiting for the time... to see what's going to happen... with one who holds the pieces of my heart... in their hands. I like believing in happily ever afters.

HONESTLY!

I feel like there is always something that we can do that will cause someone pain. I hate being the cause of someone's pain. They deserve more than that. I feel guilty. I feel like a jerk for doing something that I could have had the sense to prevent.

I was always a little bit mature for my age as a kid. I used to walk around with the teachers during recess in grade school... instead of playing with the other kids, because... I felt they weren't at my level. And as I got older, I don't know why, but when I was in High School I hung out with people my age and younger. And I always believe that I was at that level... and as I grow, I consider myself still holding on to the youthfulness. I am more mature, as I experience life, and as I make my mistakes in life. But I still grow to try to understand all that life is, and was, and will be.

When I interact with people, I share my "mental age" with them. It's the age I feel. When women address people with their age, they typically share a younger age than they actually are, because they are vane. My reason for sharing my "mental age" is not due to vanity, but because I really believe that at that age, I am happy. I was happy. I know that I am older. But subconsciously, I feel younger!

So, when I need to be "honest," its really not that I was trying to be dishonest with someone. It's just that I was being honest with myself. It wasn't that I was trying to be deceptive. I don't usually have problems with white lies. And it is nice when the truth in those matters doesn't matter to the one you have to tell it to. It means a lot when the truth coming out doesn't change their feelings or thoughts of you. It means a lot when forgiveness is granted for your "dishonesty."

But most importantly, if it matters, it really shouldn't have. Life is full of mistakes we make, and if we start looking at them as if they are the end all of everything that you are working towards, the relationships you have in life should be able to withstand almost anything that is thrown at them. It may be a bubble of trust... but a little thing like a white lie should not burst that bubble... that is, if it means more to you than loosing the one you care about.

I'm glad that my friends and loved ones feel the same way about this issue... because I really was petrified tonight as I revealed that intimate and private information.

:-)

MY IN-STORE CD GIVEAWAY PROMO WAS AWESOME!!!

I wanted to go to the mall... to Best Buy or Target... because they were like the really big stores... but they both told me that I needed to get corporate approval like way ahead of time... and I didn't have time to do that... SOOOOO... I was talking to my friend... and he was like... Wal Mart will do it! But I forgot my camera at the house... so I had to drive all the way back at my house first... to take pictures of the CD GIVEAWAY!

SO I called Wal Mart, which was farther from my house... out in the suburbs. The shift manager said it was okay... so I picked my CD's up at Target... well... the guy at the electronics desk was on break... so the dork who was there was like... trying to call him... and he told the guy at the counter that I couldn't buy the CD's to give away at another store! WHAT A MORON!!!

SOOOOO I am back on my cellie, calling the store manager who was all excited that she saw David on the VIEW in the morning... and she said that if I was paying for the CD's I could give 'em to whoever I wanted! The guy who was on break just didn't want to get off his lazy butt to open another box of CD's! What a MORON!!!

So I got to the Wal Mart... who incidentally had the CD's on sale as well! And the Wal Mart CD's have bonus track on them... They gave me a table to set up.. my index cards, pens, and a drawing box, plus a laminated really cool pic I got off of the internet of David! Then, I was allowed to go on the intercom in the store, and announce the CD and the promo GIVE AWAY every 15 minutes and gave away 2 CD's every half hour for 2 hours!!! (the other 2 were for me and my bf)! It was so fun!!!

Of course... all the Wal Mart Employees were there too, trying to win a free CD... but the customers won 50 % of the CD's and the employees won the other 50%, so it was cool! AND we got the word out... there was like over 100 entries for each half hour! It was really cool!!! Then I snuck up and posted posters of David Archuleta's Release by the CD's on the shelves!!! I think the employees are going to leave them there! And I left a stack of 500 fliers about the CD release and the Street Team on the counter by the electronics department! It was a really amazing night!

WALKING IN THE PARK

Sometimes, I like to reminisce, so I go to my old neighborhood, where I grew up as a kid. I drive by my old house, were we played ball in the street... and street hockey. I go to my old school and sit on the steps. Its where we all played in the playground, and where we sat after school until it was way past curfew. I drive by old friends houses, who I haven't spoken to in ages. I don't even know if they still live there. I walk through the park, the one I went to day camp with my brother at. It was a place where me and my friends played hockey. It was where the new field house was such a big thing in the neighborhood. We were all really proud of that fact. My park was the biggest thing in the world. The tree under which I first made out with Kim as a kid isn't there anymore. We used to go roller skating at the rink in Norridge, but that place was torn down to build a multi-plex theater. And we went bowling at the Brunswick Bowl, which has also been torn down. A lot has changed, but the good times... they were all there... in the back of my mind.

I enjoy walking at night, with all the lights from the ball fields still lit, and the jogging path all empty. I don't think we knew what crime was back then. It was more like kids pulling pranks. Gangs were just a group of us playin around outside a place we shouldn't have been. Now its people shooting other people for territory. Drive-by's and drugs. We did our share of smokin up... but it was never as hard core as it is today... None of my friends would have thought that we would ever look at cocaine, let alone crack. Or heroine? What the heck was that??? Crystal Meth, another thing I never heard of!

Friends were friends... you thought you would grow old with. But I don't think I talk to a single one of them for over a decade ... Once I went to High School, they were my past. And once I finished High School, those friends were my past. I guess if I lived in a small town, I would have stronger commitments from old friends, but I live in a big City, where everybody minds their own business, everybody is busy looking after themselves, and nobody has time for you.

A gallon of milk was really cheap! We drank it like water... *(which my teeth are so strong and not falling out of my mouth today). We bought bread 3 loaves for a buck, and a gallon of milk for a buck! I remember because I had to go buy it every day! So for a little kid to lug a gallon of milk and 3 loaves of bread for 2 blocks was a chore! It was just that life was for living... it was easy. I had absolutely no worries. Aside from a local bully who used to use me as a punching bag... or if a couple kids who you weren't friends with torment you because you were a little chubby as a kid. It was really a good life.

I think I will go for a walk tonight. Hope my mind is full of memories again. And I hope I don't get mugged!

SURROUNDED BY CLOUDS

Have you ever wondered why you are the perfect person to help people out with their problems, and they seem like the most simple things in the world... But when it comes to solving problems in your own life, you haven't got a clue of what you're doing?

It's because when we are in the middle of a situation, we are so surrounded by these clouds, that we can't think clearly. It's only in hindsight that we recognize what silliness it all was. But in the midst of a problem, you can't get a real grasp of the situation. And when you are giving advice, you are just totally out of it, so you don't have those clouds. Does any of this make sense? I wish I could explain it better, but I am in the clouds right now.

Let's say I was a pilot. If I am flying in the clouds, and my flight instruments go dead in the middle of the flight, I am totally screwed. I have no idea where I am, or how high I am, or what heading I am in, and I also have no clue that if I don't bank hard right, that plane in front of me is going to end up in my lap! SPLAT! Whereas, that guy on the ground, in the tower, with all the backup systems, he has radar screens telling him where you are headed. And other planes above or below can track you on their radar screens and get you out of that cloudy situation!

My flight instruments are not really working right now, because I have my head in the clouds. I wish navigating this thing called life was simpler, but I have to put my best foot forward, looking back at my past mistakes, trying to learn from them (get a backup battery pack for those instruments just in case the power system fails and all your instruments bottom out), and then just stepping out in blind faith.

I pray for those people who surround me, my friends and family who help guide me when I am lost (out of control). I pray for the people who are in the clouds, that I can help navigate safely to the ground! I pray for the people who are on the other path that I am about to collide with, because I have no clue where they are at compared to me. I pray for forgiveness, from them, and from the people who I roll over in my attempt at being rescued from my own demise. I just pray that my radar system will let me look from outside the box, so that I can get my head out of the clouds, or better yet, that the clouds will clear and I can just see clearly what path I need to follow. So that I can make the trip from point A to point B with no turbulence.

I care... about every passenger in this flight. Please fasten your seat belts, we are going to face a little turbulence, but we should get through the little jolts and get back to smooth air in just a little bit. Please be patient. The clouds will be lifting soon! And then... prepare for a smooth landing. Thank you for flying the friendly skies.

I don't know exactly how much of this little rambling made sense. Sometimes I have the ability to make absolutely no sense. Imagine that!

SLEEPY CUZ OF SMILEY!

I love it when you meet someone that just makes you feel so comfortable that you can talk for hours and hours... But I cherish my sleep, too! When you stay up until almost 6 am talking, because you don't want to say good bye, you forget that you have to be up in 2 hours to go to work! Now you get there, and you find out that you don't have to work until 4 in the afternoon! So you drive all the way back home (thank God they didn't charge you for parking for the 15 minutes you were there checking your schedule). Then you get a few last hours of much cherished sleep... I finally went to work at 4 and I was nice and refreshed! Last minute texting on my cell phone for the smiles, back and forth... and that jump in my step... people could tell by the smile on my face... the smile is contagious! It spread from someone else to me by way of laughter and finding common ground! It is a nice feeling... meeting a new friend! And sharing your passions until 6 am... but I cherish sleep, too! What to do... what to do? I think I will be sleeping a lot less! Who needs sleep??? ;-)

CRUSH!

I just joined the David Archuleta "STREET TEAM!" Basically, we get the word out about events, and releases for his music. He is an amazingly gifted young artist who appeared in numerous television talk shows, star search as a very young boy, and probably most famous for coming in 2nd in the 7th season of American Idol! He is a soulful balladeer, and his music makes me wanna cry sometimes! He has a way of showing passion in his music. He also has a new CD coming out this Tuesday, titled David Archuleta, with a hit song, CRUSH on it. The video is streaming above (if I got this to work well...). And I hope everyone will give this kid a chance to make it in the music industry by buying a CD at their local music store!

This guy is 17 and he knew what he wanted to do in life at a very young age! He is quite inspirational to me. His spirit is evident in his ambitious drive... and he is quite sincere in all he does for his fans, friends and family. He is also a man of faith. He was intending on doing his mission trip for his Mormon faith, which would have been two years, but it appears that he will be postponing that for a little while as he advances in the music industry. His time is now! So my hope is that you will bring out the best in him by supporting his work now! I want his debut album to go PLATINUM on day one of its release!

So I will be going to the mall on Tuesday to pass out fliers to promote his album release and his "Street Team." If you would like to check out his MySpace, it is http://www.myspace.com/davidarchuleta and his website is www.davidarchuleta.com (coming soon) and if you would like to join his mobile club where you can download ring tones, you can call him at (801)386-8196 or text him by texting @arch "your message" to 66937. If you would like to join his "STREET TEAM" go to http://davidarchuleta.fancorps.com and when you sign up, where it says referred by, enter my screen name: nmkastrinsios so that I can add to my activity points! Thanks so much for bearing with me here... I know I am going on and on about this kid. But he is really an amazingly gifted artist that I hope will go far in life. I just want to support him in his passion and his gift!

Have a great day, and enjoy the music!

SOMETIMES THE TIMING JUST ISN'T RIGHT

About 8 years ago, I was working on Navy Pier. It was just beginning to get really good there. A bunch of little shops, restaurants, a 20 story Ferris Wheel, dinner cruise ships, conferences and exhibit halls, huge venues would come to the Pier to have their conferences and exhibits. It was fast becoming one of the premier tourist destinations in the city. And I was interested in grabbing a piece of the pie. I wanted to open a little cart and sell hot dogs. That's it, just hot dogs! I could have been a millionaire by now off of hot dogs!

Well, it didn't happen. I went to Greece because my dad passed away, and then I moved to Cape Cod, Massachusetts for 4 years. When I came back, I was getting my feet back on solid ground. My mom had been dealing with breast cancer, and I had an emergency appendectomy when I got back that first autumn. Now when I go back there this past summer to work, there are hot dog stands and Italian Ice stands and "Dippin' Dots." There are ice cream parlors, popcorn vendors, coffee stands, Cinnamon roasted nuts, fudge shops, t-shirts, novelty shops, there's even a "Build-A-Bear." There is an I-MAX theater, and a Shakespeare Theater, and a Grand Ballroom. It just kept expanding into the tourist attraction I knew it was becoming just a decade before. Except I was still just the same person with a dream to open a business there. And they all had their spots.

This year I put in a proposal to open "SLUSHY'S." Whether they let me in or not for next summer, has yet to be determined. It's a bit political (as is anything you do in Chicago). But as far as putting together an idea and putting all the pieces in place to do it if they let me, that is all done. Hopefully next summer I will be selling my slush beverages, slushy t-shirts, hats, slushy character dolls, and Slushy will finally make me an entrepreneur in the hottest destination for the summer in Chicago. After a couple years I can start working on opening drive-thru coffee kiosks around the city and suburbs. And little by little, work on building an income generating real-estate portfolio.

I don't see my past setbacks as bad things. Every experience I have had in my life has been a preparation to bring me to where I am today. Every failure, every trial and test in my life. All of them are gifts to me. I have never been one to get in on the ground floor of anything. I am a low-moderate risk taker. I don't bet on something unless I am almost certain of its success. Although, I have in the past, worked on any short range possibilities, like Amway, Quorum, Reliv, etc. Today, working on the first substantial savings account I have ever had, I am less of a risk taker.

I see the first part of my life as an education. I may not have degrees from some university, although I did have some college. But I have so much more of my life to look forward to. The timing just wasn't right until this moment. This is the moment to thrive. This is the moment to not let anything take me off course. This is the time that I need to work hard to enjoy the fruits of my efforts. If I ever died without realizing those fruits, its ok, because the journey was enjoyable. I know that I did my best with what I had in life. I took what was given to me, and I made the best of every possible situation.

I have been faced with some really hard times in life. But at every moment in time, I came to a point when I faced the fact that I was not in control. There is nothing that I can do to solve any problem on my own. This is where my faith comes in. I am reminded of the verse in the Bible which says, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways, and He will direct your path." What a wonderful promise! What a blessing! I don't have anything to do in those trials in life but to trust in the Lord. I don't even have to try to understand it, because my understanding is so clouded by being in the middle of a great big mess (usually caused by my own idiocy). God's understanding is so superior to mine. I don't have to understand it. Then when I see all the stuff sorting itself out... it's GOD! It's GOD! There is another verse I remember from the book of Psalms, "Be still, and know that I am GOD!" That is the one verse that gives me peace in a huge anxious moment... and at every worry, I recognize that God is so much greater than anything I could possibly control.

If I am ever in a position when the timing just isn't right for something, there is something to be said for just leaving it in God's hands. He has the power of making a situation that is just endless and miserable, gracious and good. He doesn't want to make us suffer, He wants to make us stronger! So I will wait on His time to make all my work bear much fruit. I will be still, and know that He is GOD! And in those silent times, when I hear Him speaking to my heart, I have to just be still and listen to the soft voice in those Bible verses I learned when I was a little kid in the youth group, and I don't have to understand how it happens, but everything works its way out of the miserable and transforms into the blessings that He has in store for me.

I hope that in the months to come, I can come back to this blog and write about the challenges of building out my little SLUSHY kiosk... for the summer. That is, if they let me come to the Pier in the summer!

I AM SO HAPPY I AM HERE!

I have been hopeing for a way to share my feelings, insights, views on life, perspectives on religion, politics, ethics, sex, love, relationships, and the like, and finally, a place to put it all out there... for the time being...

I hope you like it... my space... well better than myspace, Niko Blog! It will catalog my belief system, and how I came to the idea that this is what I believe and this is why I believe it... Hope you will enjoy the insights... share your ideas, and debate with me if you disagree, but more importantly... open your heart and mind to the sharing of ideas with agreement or disagreement...

Have a great time!

NO ON PROP 8

I wonder in amazement about how our world view is so skewed. How can we as a people claim to be a free nation and yet limit the rights of individuals seeking the same rights as all others are afforded under the equality of marriage laws in individual states? How does one right granted to some take away the rights of those who are not affected by the decision? Today, the day after the most significant national election in decades, and after the rights of an African American President Elect have been shown to come full circle from only a generation ago, when blacks were not allowed to vote in this country, and just a generation prior to when blacks were held as slaves in this country, we are celebrating his victory, and America’s victory as we have found our way through the bigotry and prejudice we face, we are shadowed with disappointing referenda on state ballots which determined (for now) the fate of those who are gay and lesbian, in committed relationships, limiting their ability in at least 3 specific states (Florida, Arizona, and California).


In California, after being legislated by the state supreme court to be unconstitutional, and after months of legalized gay and lesbian marriages being performed, today it looks as though the highly controversial and very close proposition 8, designating in the state constitution that marriage should only be valid and recognized by a man and a woman will pass by a couple of percentage points. This will put an end to freedom to marry in the state. It will eliminate a right that was granted by the state’s constitution prior to this date. I thought our country was designed with the hope of giving freedoms, not taking them away. Yet because of a host of efforts on proponents of the measure, it will now set back the freedoms we, as a nation, are fighting for. Today, despite the freedoms fought for and achieved by our President Elect, we have been clouded by a wicked religious right, who purports injustice whenever they feel their rights are violated. They have made a case against the rights of people who ache for the right to love and to have equal rights as they commit their lives to each other. It sickens me to think that these same people claim that their main focus in life is to love. Their love is the “right” love and any other love is deemed wrong. They judge, although they are commanded not to judge. And they impose their morals and beliefs on the rest of the world through propaganda and uninformed (misguided) media and “gossip” through the channels of their organizations across the country under the umbrella of God.


As for my understanding of God, he is a God of love, unconditional love, the kind that knows no bounds, the kind of love that forgives, the kind of love that does not judge, the kind of love that crosses over borders and boundaries, the kind of love that promotes peace and common ground, the kind of love that shows others that they matter, that their opinions matter, and the kind of love that is sacrificial even to death – death on a cross.


Despite the decisions made by the slim margins in California, the fights for freedom will never cease. This nation will always hold numerous opinions on a multitude of issues in the coming months, years, decades, centuries and millennia. And as long as there are different opinions, there will be room for debate and the changing of laws, constitutions, and hearts and minds of the majority. If an African American can grow up in a country that once held his ancestors in captivity, to become the leader of the free world, then freedom will reign in the gay and lesbian community, even the freedom to marry and commit their lives to their partner.


My prayer is that the bigotry and hatred will be so transparent that even those who made the decision to vote for Proposition 8 in California will see the their intolerance and lack of acceptance and lack of love, and change their position in elections to come.