IT'S JUST SILLY, ISN'T IT

So, this past week we gave away $500 to a family that was displaced by a house fire. It was a good feeling. Business has been down because of the holidays and because of a couple really crappy BLIZZARDS! It seems that I am shoveling snow a lot these days.

We will make it this winter, I've determined. Despite having our pretty much suckiest month to date, we still managed to pay all the bills (with the help of mom, as usual) and yeah, we anticipated $70,000 in sales for this year and we have SURPASSED that goal! Our payroll was way over budget, and so was our costs on stuff, but that is being adjusted. And as our sales increase, those percentages will diminish.

The silly I spoke of in the title, was in New Zealand, of course. What else could be more silly than someone on formspring, thinking that I am someone talking to them anonymously and referring to me in the way they did. And then being stupid about it. I mean, wth? If I ever give anything to someone it is out of my heart, not based on anything you do or say. And it is without any expectation of your "friendship" and as if, AS IF I would want any friendship from someone who just consistently makes me feel like crap for nothing I DO! When have I ONCE hurt you dude? NEVER! When have I once LIED about you? NEVER! When have I ONCE held you accountable for your own actions or lies or bull crap? NEVER.

I don't really care. New Zealand is still going to be my vacation destination, and perhaps a place I would consider living someday, despite you! And fortunately, not everyone is like you. Inconsiderate, and full of themselves. Sadly, if you don't grow out of your narcissism, it will become pervasive throughout your whole life. And that would definitely be sad. Some good qualities are really going to be overshadowed by a big pile of shit. It's just silly, isn't it?

*someone sent me a comment asking what my twitter was, its toaonikos =)

FIRST SNOWFALL

It's December 8th, and I was up at 4 am shoveling snow today, and salting the sidewalk outside the restaurant. It was nerve wrecking, seeing snow coming down, wondering if we would have any business today. It has been slow, but not completely dead yet. I dread this winter, and I dread the week ahead as we are facing more snow coming down tonight. With or without snow, we have the same bills coming due every month. The only thing that changes with volume is food cost. Obviously, food usage is lower if there are less customers, but the percentages of the other business expenses then tend to rise.

Today is the "first" day of my winter, and I am fully praying that I can make it through the next 4 months or so. And beyond that, I have another 6 or so years to get through the payoff of all the restaurant major loans. I feel like I am in a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock. (sorry about that, old acting class)

Today I pray, tomorrow I pray, the day after that I pray, and I just keep on keeping on. The success or failure of this restaurant has always been based on God's providence alone. And so, I leave with that. And away we go, I need a sled! :-)

MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING

This past week has been a bit fun. I had a ticket to see the touring company from Second City Comedy Club in Chicago; they came to Dixon to perform at the community theater. So that was actually a packed crowd of about 1,000 people all conservative religious republican types. And Second City is notorious for creating a stir with its liberal viewpoints. They were making fun of racists, homophobes, and republicans. And the audience was laughing at the jokes about themselves! Then there were two guys who had a full on stage kiss, and I thought the guy who was in his 60's sitting next to me in the audience was going to have a heart attack (along with others in the audience who felt as strongly about man-on-man kissing)! The ultimate was when there was a comedy skit of a Border's Bookstore check-out line and there is this guy at a counter who was trying to buy a book. The lady behind the counter was telling the guy that the whole idea of sequels is stupid. And that this one was horribly bad. She told him she wouldn't even let him buy the thing, and told him to go find something else. When the next lady in line asked what book he was trying to buy, the response was "The New Testament." To which the audience actually "booed!" I was in heaven, I think!

I don't know about most political stances in this town, I try to remain neutral to religion here, and sports is another taboo subject. As a business owner in town, I have to maintain a low profile, which is becoming increasingly difficult to do because I was never one to hide my opinions.

On a lighter note, this weekend is going to be an amazing one! I get to officiate my first wedding! I get to join two people in wedded bliss! I get to pronounce two people as man and wife! And I get to hold the pen which signs the document which joins two souls legally and eternally! What an amazing thing. I finished my script today for the ceremony. I had a chance to sit down with the bride and groom for a few hours to go over the details of the ceremony and it was pretty cool. I pray for their future. I pray for their success. And I pray that on Saturday, the weather will actually be better than the weather man predicted. I went out and got some new clothes to wear, and I am just excited about it because it is my first one. I do hope they work out. When I was talking to the bride, and found out they had only met a few months ago, I asked her what she thought about that, and she said the right thing to me. It was exactly the same feeling I have about someone. And they are blessed to know each other. They gel. And so I am glad to do it.

Taxes are due this next couple weeks so please folks, if you are reading this, pray that we can get some extra revenues at the restaurant so that we can make it work for the next month. As it is, I am low for the ranch property and may have to ask mom for help with that this month. I hate asking her to help. I dread asking. Every month I am trying to cut here and there, but then I place my food orders and I can't get my food orders to come out to less than what it is. And my utilities and taxes just keep coming. Yeah, this has been my dream since I was a small child. And yeah, I just wish summer can come as quickly as possible so that my sales volume can increase. But in the meantime, I am relying on prayer and God's providence. Night for now. =)

TWITTER!

I do tweet. I admit it. I am not addicted, like some. I tweet now and then. I am amongst the very famous Oprah!, Ellen!, Martha Stewart!, Ashton Kutcher!, Demi Moore! and such, and of course, there are people all over the rest of the world who tweet! I have friends in New Zealand, Ireland, England, Canada, they run the gamut of the world. And they are all really cool people. A while ago, almost a year now (December 31st), I met this really cool person. And we talked for a wee bit, and I just thought so highly of this person. And we got into this fight, or it wasn't even a fight, per se. But we stopped talking. And I never let this person leave my thoughts. And we started talking again after some months, and then we just stopped. And despite my trying to make things comfortable when we talked again, we just didn't gel. So yeah, I have continued to follow on twitter or youtube, but the person hasn't really made any new videos in a while. And about 2 months ago, I decided to follow this person on twitter again. Well, the other night, they decided to follow me back. And I was petrified. I thought for sure they would block me, straight away. And I was pleased that when I sent a direct message, they responded that they wouldn't block me. :-) So today, I remember the person I met back in December and appreciate Twitter. It is yet another cool way to quietly remember, and perhaps someday reintroduce yourself to someone you care about. And the story continues... day to day... week to week... month to month, and ultimately, year to year... if I ever do decide to sell this place (which I hope to do in about 7-10 years), I will definitely be moving to New Zealand to retire, open a coffee house, and I dunno, maybe say hi to an old twitter friend. :-)

HUMPDAY

It's Wednesday, again. And with it, comes our hot dog special with fries and a drink for $2.85 which is a great price. But it comes with not much money at the end of the night in the register. Yesterday we lost phone service because some moron building a road dug into the fiber optic lines. We lost a lot of business because we had no phones all day. Today, we have HUMPDAY special and I soooo need to pay these damn taxes still. Every month I have over $1,000 in withholding taxes and another close to $1,000 in sales taxes due. I need to get through this winter. Please GOD! Help me get through this winter and into the summer. Then we can rock out all summer! God willing we will ROCK the bank next summer. God willing, the weather will be sunny and clear every day next summer! And God willing, we will come into the autumn months with a bit more padding for the next winter.

I love it, don't get me wrong. I love the people. I love the food compliments. I love the people who work with me. I love it all. But I could do without the taxes, and I could do without the kids who want a job but don't want to work when I need them to. It gets to be crazy when I have like a few employees and one of them has something come up and has to call off or something. Then it is like pulling eye teeth to get someone who wants to cover the shift. Or when someone try's to pull a "Ferris Bueller" and say their grandmother is dying. Having a friend call and pretend to be their mother. It is funny though, because I did the same thing when I was their age.

I love it all, just please God, help me out here. Put the customers in the building, the money I need in the register, and the bank balance in the black.

Love you all. <3

BEST DAY YET!

Today we completely scored! I made enough today to pay my quarterly taxes that I needed to come up with. There was no possible way I could have done it, except we just got featured in the Dixon Living Magazine with a 2 page color spread and some VERY kind words! I mean, we couldn't afford something like the thing they put together for us, but we got it for FREE! Thank you to Sauk Valley Publications for the most beautiful piece of work on our restaurant and the rave reviews!

So yeah, tomorrow night we go to 3 am! Tomorrow, if it is anything like today will be another record setting night! I am back to feeling confident in what we are doing here. GOD PROVIDES! My mom and I have totally been praying for that, and it has totally been provided. The timing was just golden. I was like, completely at the end of our rope, and just like in Matthew, when we are at the end of our rope, if we let go, He will catch us before we fall. That is when we know what an awesome God He is!

Anyways, long day ahead, so keep praying for me, and thanks for that. I love you all!

PS Happy Halloween!

:-)

WHAT A CROCK (OF CHILI)

I had the chili cook off today. There were a grand total of eight chili cookers including myself. I was excited, thinking I had a pretty good chili. Not to mention that people were commenting that mine was the best they tasted. Well, we didn't win. Now, I'm from Chicago where we buy votes. So I was giving away free fries with my chili, and where I even bought 300 extra tickets so that I could win the people's choice award! Well when all the tickets were sold, after selling about 28 quarts (liters for those of you on the metric) of chili, they said I only had 450 tickets in my jar from tasters. I don't really believe this. The first place person (a local bar) had 675. Anyways, I didn't feel really good about having lost after spending a great deal of time and money in the competition. But I won't be bitter about it.

Small towns are difficult to maneuver in. I just let go of a really good employee. But he had a short fuse and I couldn't have him flipping out in front of customers or other employees. So despite his really good heart, and despite his "bust his ass" mentality for the job, I had to ask him to leave today. He cried, and I felt so badly. He is expecting a kid, and we hung out a few times together. I just couldn't keep him the way things were going. So that, is one of the few things I just don't like to do when I am a business owner, letting go of people who you grow to care about.

I don't know what else is going to happen this fall/winter. I just printed another 250 menus for the November 1st break out. We changed some of the prices, and I deleted those things that just weren't working for us. I changed the hours. But now I am out of printer ink (again). My laser printer is really getting used well. I still have a couple thousand dollars in bills coming due between rent on the house, insurance on the business, the federal tax bill, the payroll, the mortgage. But I still have one week to go for some I have two weeks. This coming weekend is Halloween and we are staying open later at night on the weekends for the bar crowd. That is both scary and exciting. I hope we do really well. I can completely use the thousand dollar days on Fridays and Saturdays, and I hope that will be the case. It will make up for all the winter months coming up. I can also use some more delivery business. I have some people who drive in from the neighboring towns now because of my french fries. And one lady who has a lovely English accent told me that she can never call them fries, but rather CHIPS. I smiled, thinking of New Zealand again, and of course, the hope of building this business over the next few years and selling to move there.

I still think of JL. Fool that I am. And I hope the dance academy coming up this year will feel proud to have one very gifted addition to their new class.

I'm off to bed. I need sleep. Long day today, but then, all of them are longer now. I can't wait for spring and summer to come back. Love you all!

TAXING! CHILI? WINTER BLAHS!

It is getting darker earlier. It comes with the season. The sun sets earlier and earlier every day. It sucks for me especially because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is a mild depression which is caused by vitamin deficiencies when there is not as much sunlight. So come winter, I get down in the dumps. That with the uncertainty of life, and the future of the restaurant's success. I get to that funny feeling now and again like, not so much energy pumping through my veins as just the "winter blahs." It leaves me once the spring hits and the sun starts coming up earlier again, and staying later. And once again, I have a new "spring" in my step.

A couple days ago, I went to the accountant's office to pick up my payroll and find out how much was due on my taxes this month. It came to about $2,700 and I was flat broke. My mom TOTALLY helped me out this month. But she is also helping my brother out with the down payment on his new house. And I am happy she helped me out (AGAIN) and all. But I would like to get this restaurant to be self sufficient. This was the first quarter, and the first quarter is always the hardest. And the bad thing was this quarter was only through September. So now the next quarter taxes due will be in January for the months of October - December. I have some time and stuff, but then again, the next 4-5 months are going to be slower than usual. I need to pace myself and get my sales up.

We are going to be open starting October 31, until 3 am to cover the after bar rush. That is exciting! I also went over to the county jail trying to get a contract for one or two days a week of feeding inmates! That would be like an extra $300 - $700 a week in sales just from the JAIL! But those inmates would eat really good! Right now they get pizza, McDonald's, and other local restaurants. So we would be like a weekly or a twice a week treat for them.

We make our soups fresh, and the other day, I had my soup chef's wife drive them around town to the office buildings to give out, to advertise our daily soups. We also have a chili cook-off this Sunday! So hopefully I will win the people's choice for chili! Next month we have a cup of chili and an order of fries for $4.00 including tax! What a deal!

The other thing is we are getting more and more delivery orders, which is REALLY good! It is just a word of mouth right now with the advertising. We have tried radio, and news paper ads, but those just don't seem to work. And our telephone book ad looks really nice. So I hope that will work a bit for us. Deliveries and the whole variety we have on our menu should help us survive over the winter. But it is all just a long forecast that I hope will bring us over the top by next summer. When we are doing over $35,000 per month! I will be HAPPY! We need some hooks! If anyone has any ideas for marketing strategies that I may try, send them to me in a comment or something.

Until next time, love you all!

DEATH AND TAXES

The two things that are certain in life are death and taxes. I know what they mean when they say that now. This month, I have about $3,000 in tax liability due. So I am nervous about that today. Actually, I have been nervous about that for the past couple weeks. For now, we have completely been stocked since we opened. We never once ran out of ANYTHING since we opened. Which is a good thing. I never want to inconvenience anyone by running out of stuff. I have worked at places like that before. And honestly, the way people leave when you run out of stuff is horrible. So we have consistently been getting compliment after compliment every day on the food. I had a couple hiccups along the way with some staff, but those things are going to happen.

I have a new roomate (border) who has a puppy pit bull. I have no problem having the puppy, but damn thing pissed on my carpet a couple times and on the couch once. That was enough to keep her OFF THE FURNITURE completely. I love dogs. It's been a while since I have been able to have one. I grew up with dogs all my life. But then I moved in an apartment when I was 15 and couldn't have one since. Although we did sneak one in at one apartment complex I lived in when I was in Marietta, Georgia. It was a beautiful black and white Siberian Husky with beautiful blue eyes. Her name was Dakota, and she was our baby! I still think of Scott Lorfing once in a while. Last I heard he is living in Florida with a wife and who knows. That was a long time ago. And some memories are better left in the past.

Today I need to go to Sterling to talk to the accountant about these taxes and pick up my payroll checks. I am still nervous about writing those checks. But for now, I am good. Business is a bit slower now that it is getting colder, but we are still steady. Indian Summer is coming up on us hopefully soon so we can get one more boost before the winter months. We have Halloween coming up and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Following that, we have nothing until March or April. Which is why I am looking into this Pool Hall thing. It is full of possibilities. I just need to find the additional $60,000 in financing if it takes even taking a partner on so that we can make it work.

It will work. It is a good location for this type of business. But for now, I need to get going. Have a good day. I know I don't get to get on here as often as I like. Please stay tuned! :-) Love you all!

FIRST MONTH

So, yeah, first month is over. We made it this far. I am just figuring out how much I owe in sales taxes and withholding income taxes, and also federal and state unemployment taxes. It is coming out to about $3,500 due in October. I am looking forward to being able to write the check! We are also opening on Friday and Saturday nights until 3 am! This is gunna be awesome cos all the bars in the area close at 1 am. So we will be doing well there, plus, we are advertising football trays for Sunday's and Monday Night Games. A tray of Italian Beef for 95 bucks or a tray of 20 Chicago Style Hot Dogs with a tray of Cheddar Fries for 55 bucks or a tray of Caesar Salad for 35 bucks! Sunday is my slowest day, so this will make it worth staying open until the end of January!

We are really doing well! The blogtv thing is also a bit gimicky, but it keeps all the employees on their toes as far as keeping their cursing to a minimum. Everyone who tunes in online will be able to see us just operating live! Go ahead and check it out if you want. www.blogtv.com/people/hawt_dawg If you have an account, if I am online and looking over at the computer I will say, "hi!" Otherwise, we will just do the same thing every time. Stay busy!

I need to keep my employees happy with their hours. And so far they are really good at doing all they can to keep up with everything. They are really committed to the success of the restaurant. But they are counting on me for their livelihood. So I have to keep working every day on the best ways to increase our sales so that I can make the payroll work for us. Right now we are at about $5,000 a week in sales, which is like 25% more than I had figured in my business plan! So that is AMAZING! Once we get open for the bar rush and start doing these football trays, I am hoping to get to $7,000 a week or better.

Not to mention our catering orders! We have had a couple party trays go out already, and that was exciting as HELL! We need to keep that up! Everyone has been really positive all throughout the town. Like, EVERYONE comes in and tells me that the food is GREAT! They come in from friends referrals and tell me that they have heard nothing but good things about us, and it is all so humbling. I get choked up when someone comes in EVERY DAY and tells me that my food is GREAT! EVERY DAY I get more and more compliments. And we are doing it all really right!

The last two guys who had this place did like 1/3 or 1/2 of the business volume that we are doing. And we have room to make it even better. We will. Thanks for all of those of you who have been praying for my success. You are all really cool for giving me positive reactions during my planning and development phase. We are finally coming together and we look like we pretty much know what we are doing. It really is rewarding to own your own business. But I am quite tired. I am working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it isn't like my pockets are bursting at the seams yet. I can barely pay my own rent. But it's coming together. Stay tuned to updates. Love you all!

SOOOO BUSY!

We have been open for like three weeks, and I have been sooooo busy! I have 6 people working for me now, so I depend on them for so much! They are really committed to the success of the restaurant. And people LOVE my food! I have had a LOT of regular customers who come in EVERY DAY! It has been absolutely THRILLING!

Someone told me that I couldn't afford to buy an IPOD itouch, cos I needed money for silly things like "Bins!" Believe it or not, "Bins" are not my biggest concern, but rather my payroll! My employees all need to get paid, then there is taxes, for payroll, medicare, and social security as well as unemployment insurance, state and federal, and also workman's comp insurance. INCREDIBLE how much and how fast it all comes and goes every month. We are doing really well tho. Despite me working from 7 am til 11 pm every single day. Gyros, fresh cut fries, homemade au jus for my italian beef sandwiches, chicago hot dogs... fresh soups made daily, salads, appetizers and just a bunch of really great stuff on my menu and nothing but compliments.

I love you all, and I am sorry for not having been online in a while... and yes, the bins are bought, but the IPOD is still coming, I just need to make sure I can pay my payroll first! Patience! :-)

I CRIED A TEAR!

Today, two weeks since my last blog, and a bit over 3 weeks since I bought the building, I am ready to open! All I have left to do is to get the health inspector in here Monday or Tuesday, and I think I am ready for him! Everything was a bit expensive. I probably overspent a LOT! But when it is all done, the place looks AMAZING! I looked at it today, after we finished screwing in the last piece of drywall and the last screw into the potato cutter for the home-cooked fries, and I started tearing up. My life long dream of opening my own restaurant is finally come to fruition. I am finally realizing my own dream. It was a long road, working for other people, and frustrated by the lack of money from doing so, or from not having the freedom from being my own boss. Now I am looking at this place, sitting on my wireless in the restaurant, and looking out the big plate glass windows at the traffic, people passing by and waving and honking their horns at their anticipation of my opening. And all the equipment in here is shiny and new. Everything is stocked, everything is set up! And nothing more needs to be done. It is finished. Pictures on the wall of Mykonos, Athens, and the Aegean Sea, from the Gyros company, and other photos of Chicago Hot Dogs, Chili, and the Soups I will be selling, and above the clock, three family photos. Mom (since without her help I could never have financed this project), Dad who passed away in '99 and my youngest brother, who passed away in 2000. The place exudes confidence. I, on the other hand am a nervous wreck! I had to let go of 2 of my already hired employees for integrity and attendance issues. That was sad. I hated having to say "You're fired," but it had to be done. I had a bad feeling about stuff, and I just couldn't open up with negative thoughts so quickly. The other 5 people I have will do well here.

Tomorrow I am going to go and put in some wall studs at the house, for the dry storage area, and that area is also looking pretty darn good. Three weeks, about $80,000 all total, including the building, equipment, labor and initial bills, and in just days, I will be saying hello to my first customer.

If I died in my sleep tonight, I would die a happy man.

COUNTDOWN

I have been non-stop working in the restaurant this past week. I start my day at 8am. And work until like, 11:00pm? Then I get home in time for a quick shower, and sleep. It is exhausting, but the progress is really coming far! Yesterday we completed all the plumbing, gas lines, and electrical work we needed to do barring one outlet that we need to drill through a brick wall to put in. But today we have so much more cleaning. I have a couple people coming in to help out.

I haven't been discouraged by anything thus far. But I am running out of money so fast. I was a bit concerned last night when I was reviewing the bills. And my brother called last night on his way home, saying I looked discouraged. I just told him I was anxious. I am quite nervous about all the equipment fitting in the space I have for it. But more than that, I am nervous about the money. I am also QUITE nervous about the whole menu and staffing expectations I have. I mean, do I have too much on my menu for such a small place? Do I have enough people to work so that we aren't providing crap service? What am I supposed to be doing here that I am missing? I pray that the health inspector will pass me without major issues. That would really be nice.

Countdown T minus 30 days.

SPECIMEN

What a weird word. Yeah, it is a bit scientific. Its connotative of a sample of something. I was talking to a friend of mine last night, cos when I came back from the campsite I visited with my family, I saw the PERFECT specimen of the male species. He was just completely beautiful. It doesn't really much matter, I'll never see him again. But for a day, I smiled. When I saw him first, I was at the docks, and he was just hanging out and when he saw me, he smiled back and said, "Hi!"

And again, we spoke a bit for like a sentence or two later that night outside the party room. There was a DJ playing and I was dancing, and when I went outside to get some fresh air, he was there again. Again, still, beautiful, and another smile, with a simple, "Hi!" Each and every time we were talking, my brother or my mom just popped up and distracted me. And so I hoped that we could continue to talk to get to know each other better, but it just didn't happen.

I looked around for him later that night, but I didn't see him. I was standing outside of the main office for the site, and me and my brother were talking for a bit, and then out of nowhere, he came out of the bathroom soaking wet after taking a shower. For the last time, I saw the curls from his auburn hair, now dripping, and the shorts he was wearing, clinging to him, there. He saw me, and for the last time, said the same, "hello," before he walked into the dark road to his campsite. The next thing I knew, I was driving home on the highway, picturing him all day long. And I knew it would probably be the last I saw him, ever.

Today, Aiden is in my mind. And it was a nice thing, being able to think about someone for only one day. One day to not have to worry about all the stuff going on in my life. I did a lot of packing today. I emptied out my car of a bunch of stuff, and made room for moving boxes. I went out and got 20 packing boxes and packing tape for some stuff I have left to pack at home. Tomorrow I have sooo much more to do. I'm REALLY nervous. I saw another blogsecret post today, and it saddened me a bit. I need to just stop following blogsecrets. They are either really stupid or really depressing. Or they remind me of someone. And due to the nature of the posts, they are not always good reminders. Mine are, I would think. I do try to do the right thing. I'm not always perfect, but I never stopped caring for anyone.

Like, I don't do ANYTHING to hurt people. Why do people feel like, its okay to hurt me. I care about people. I would lay down my life for someone in a heartbeat. I don't even need to like them, I would still stand up for anyone who was down. But when all I try to do is good, and all my intentions are good, it's like, nobody sees me for the really good and wholesome I am. My heart is so full of just - ache because I care. I think, "there are fully not enough people in the world like me." And that was a quote... from someone who has since told me that he hates me. I never changed.

I LIKE TO MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

So this Tuesday I will be closing on the restaurant with the bank and the title company. Finally I can move in and start cleaning up before I have all the equipment delivered. I also move in to my house this week. I got my Gyros broiler shipped to me, and I was so excited, I wanted to vertically broil something on the spot!

Gyros company is also giving me like, LOTS of cool posters and signs and stuff with their logo on it for free! I am getting logo t-shirts to give away at the grand opening and I'm also getting logo aprons and hats, and I also have a bunch of embroidered Polo shirts being made for the employees.

I have to switch all the utilities over, and get the equipment, but that is about it! So I don't think it will take all of a month getting open. I also have to work on my garage at the house, because I am making that into my storage for the restaurant. I am putting up some drywall panels, and hooking it up nice.

Nothing is going to be left undone. I am hooking up EVERYTHING I can with this place. I pray I can get people who can cook though. I would hate to have to do all the work in this place. I need good employees. I PRAY for good employees! The good thing is, the economy is poor, so lots of people are looking for jobs! I just hope I can pick the right ones. Pray for the next month to run smoothly!

WAITING NOW - ANXIOUS

The days are coming closer. Everything is going to either happen now, 100% the way I am projecting, or fail miserably. I have gotten my insurance quotes, and I am about $4,000 less than what I budgeted for the year! That is freaking AMAZING! I met with the mayor, no word yet from the city attorney as of yet. But me and my landlord signed my lease for the house. I talked to my Realtor, and it appears that we will close on July 28th for now. Which gives me a few extra days of getting into the restaurant to clean before the equipment starts coming in. Its a good thing, because the earliest I can order the equipment is July 27th. The guy is on vacation until then. But I did order my Gyros Broiler and Knife yesterday. So many loose ends right now, but everything is on track. My menus are like, less than 8 cents a piece! Which is really good for full color 11x17 gloss paper! What else is going on? I'm just anxious now. I have so much packing to do. I have laundry to do. I have lots of driving to do back and forth over the next couple weeks. I also am worried about my budget. It is quickly dwindling. This time around, I have less money than last time because I have a down-payment coming out of my budget that I had before. So it is making me nervous when it comes to food and paper ordering.
*breathes*
*prays*
I will talk to you all soon.

STEP BY STEP

And yeah, it isn't three forward and two back. Not yet anyways. I have been wondering when the good stuff is going to stop happening. I really don't think there are many things left in the way. For the first time, things are really going pretty much right on track. I went to the banks last week and the appointments went really well. I got two commitments in two days from filling out the applications. And they were from the banks I was interested in. I got my building inspection report and nothing major was wrong with the building. I finished working on my menu. I set up an appointment with the liquor control commissioner and then when I went to get these beautiful patio sets, even after the local store sold out of them, I managed to have the manager locate them at another location! So I have these beautiful mosaic patio sets for the front of the restaurant.

I could also get the sign guy to scratch the work on the old sign and do my window glass instead for the money I already paid him (I hope). And I am ready to move into a new THREE BEDROOM HOUSE! The house was sort of a last minute find, on a double lot with a detached garage! So I have a year lease, with an option to buy the place after the year is up. I'm pretty stoked about that. I should be pretty much ready to do that by then. Fortunately, because of my vote this past November, MY President decided to give first time home buyers $8,000 towards the purchase of a new home. Which is almost like, 15% of the purchase price! Which is like, the down payment! Which means, my mortgage and taxes will be really cheap for this AMAZING find! Between all of what I will have to pay in mortgage on the building, mortgage on the house, and my line of credit loan for the equipment, I will pay less than my rent was with the douche bag slumlord I had in Chicago.

So, yeah! I am really excited to move now. I pretty much have been for the past few weeks. I will really miss this city. I won't have much time to come back to visit often. But I want this really bad right now. I hope this is the start of something big. Well, I want it to be the start of something bigger. I want to be able to find myself still looking at the coffee kiosks, across the country, like Starbux, and eventually find myself somewhere in time, sooner than later, when I won't have to worry about work anymore, because my money will be working for me. I will have rental real estate working for me, and the coffee business working, and then I will always have the first place I called home.

It'll be nice when I can fulfill a solitary obligation to someone, and slip a call into Apple for an I-TOUCH to be delivered. Beyond that, I would really like to look forward instead of back. The back looks pretty sad, when it is filled with someone who lied about me to all his friends, making me out to be some creep. He'll never know who I was, because he never got it. I feel bad for him. But all that aside, my life is really, really good! For the first time in a while. Ask me how I feel when I have been working 7 days a week for the past 6-7 months, and I'll tell you then if that has changed at all. My guess is, yeah... It'll be better because I will have a lot more money in the bank! :-)

BANKING!

I would love that word to mean "cha-ching!" But it isn't there yet. I am just about to go back to the town to meet with a bunch of people all day long. Three of those just happen to be bankers for a commercial loan for the property. I have a bit of anxiety about that. It's me presenting what I think will go well, in order to ask them to give me money on the premise that I know what the fuck I am doing, and that I will be able to walk in and make enough to pay all the bills I have.

I would hope that after all this time, I could do that, and I have quite a bit of confidence in myself and my abilities, but at the same time, I am really anxious. If I am wrong, and if I fail, then I have all these bills coming month after month, and I am screwed. So it is really all I can do to just stop stressing about it, and walk in there tomorrow and just do it. I have to say, this is where it is really good for me to have my faith. I know that all the things I have no control over, will just have to work themselves out. And I believe God is ultimately in control if I let Him have that control. It doesn't diminish my responsibility to work hard, it just alleviates a whole lot of stress in the meantime.

Besides that, tomorrow I have the building inspector coming to check the major systems for me. And I have to register the business assumed name. As well, I have to meet with the apartment complex to put down my security and application fee. I was really upset to find out that the apartment I was looking at last week has been taken. I loved that location. It seemed perfect. But I will really look now at this other apartment and then before I put down my security, I am going to look elsewhere if I have to. I am really aggravated that this lady gave that apartment up when I told her I wanted it. She said this lady moved in already, without all the applications and stuff? It takes a good two weeks to get all the paperwork in. So I don't really believe her with all she said on the phone. I dunno.

I'm hoping that I will find a place I feel comfortable with. It isn't forever, but it is going to be the place I call home for a while, until the business gets going.

I went to a store today to look at registers. It was really cool. I feel like a kid in a candy store every time I go there. It is probably the one thing that will make ordering easy or difficult, and therefore, it is like, really important when you are on time constraints to get the food made and dished out. It is for this reason that any cash registers which are more than adding machines are really on the pricey end. Some touch screen point of sale systems are as much as $10-15 thousand dollars each terminal! Fortunately, my little adding machine will not be that high. But it is still an expense. And it sets me apart. My menu board could be cheesy but I chose a nice higher end menu board which cost a grand. So if my register costs 8-9 hundred, I can deal. I was looking at another one which tracks data for customers as well, for deliveries and phone orders, but I am not ready to spend the extra thousand right now. So for now, I will settle with that one. I am completely fine with upgrading later.

It's all the equipment, the small wares, the table stuff, the food, the paper, the everything that I need to get that is all going to cost sooooo much, and I am always afraid that I will run out of money before I open! I can't do that because I need to pay the payroll, the utilities, the insurance, the taxes, and the mortgage. So I am nervous about that. I have one month to get things open and running! And if I have to work from morning to night through the morning, for the next month, I will do it!

I'm so driven right now. I hope this all works. THAT is what I am most anxious about.

I must apologize, over the past couple posts, and probably for the next couple months, I will be writing incoherently because I am up at all kinds of hours, with little to no sleep. So, please bear with me. Love you all!

NOW I KNOW I WAS TIRED!

The last blog I posted was really weird. I mean, I was half asleep when I wrote it, but buy banana's??? What was I on about there? And yeah, I was excited about the whole real estate thing, but I really should have slept instead of talking about bananas???

This weekend has been soooo long. And I went to the site with my brother and sister and their families, and got eaten up by mosquitoes, as well as having fun with friends and family. The holidays are fun. I prefer Halloween to the 4th. I even prefer Thanksgiving or Christmas to the 4th. I just think it is horrible, all that wasted pyrotechnics. It is a complete waste of money on gunpowder and color.

Do we realize how many starving people around the country there are for us to be blowing up millions of dollars nationwide on colorful displays? I can understand flags, and block parties and such, but the rest of it is just a worthless display of 20-30 minutes of pomp. And then it is gone. Up in smoke, literally. And those starving people living below the poverty line are still starving, and probably wondering where the thrill was in looking up to the sky, when they could have had a hot meal instead.

Our country's priorities are so screwed. Independence day? We stole this country from the natives. We are so arrogant. I love this place. Only here can we be as obnoxious as we want, and then ridiculously amazed when people get upset with the way we handle the rest of the world. Oh, to not have to worry about it. I wish I had no conscience.

Anyways, it is again, late, and I have started rambling on again, about our little fairy tale weekend with stars and stripes. And now I have to go to sleep, work on more paperwork for the banks on Tuesday, and finally tie things up for that whole move. I have soooo much work packing up to do. I can't believe I am actually moving. I have only moved in a sudden impact before twice. And I have always moved back after a few years or so. Now I am getting tied into real estate. So it isn't like I can really easily move back if I want without liquidating the real estate.

It's ok. I hope there is more to this move than just the move. On a lighter note, I saw this really beautiful girl this weekend. Wow! I have probably found 2-3 girls in my life who I would flip for! This girl is just that beautiful. But more than any look, she is just fascinating. I mean, something about the girl, or those girls I have liked in my life, that just wowed me. She could talk to me for hours and I would just never get tired of listening to her. Its the passion she has. You can see it in someone.

Almost 5:30 am, I need sleep. Hard to do when you are scratching mosquito bites. Nyte all. And yeah, I will be delayed in sending that gift, but I have like, seriously two more months before I open! So I won't even have time to think about you over the next couple months, let alone send a freakin' gift! So since you aren't even expecting it, you won't miss it, but I won't forget about it. And duh, I won't forget about you either.

CLOSING IS OPENING?

Well, FINALLY! I have a signed contract on the property in that wonderful small town I spoke of in my last blog post. But finally, we got to the point where neither one of us would move, and I hated letting go of that which I saw so much positive in. So, I made the sale, and I signed the contract, and I have LOADS of stuff to do now. I have 3 banks, 2 insurance agencies, 15 vendors, and tons of City and County offices to visit. Everyone is really nice, and the people in the town are ECSTATIC that I am opening there! Apparently, the building and its owners in the distant past were there after the bars close and eating a late night breakfast.

I hope that all the plans I am making will happen. Beer and Wine listed here as one of my BIGGER priorities. Equipment at a low cost, and vendors all in place. I want it to go off without a hitch! And that is going to take a lot of time and hard work. So when I finally get there this coming Tuesday again, I have about 10 hours of back to back meetings with a HUGE amount of people.

It's time, for my chance to make my life, ALL that I had hoped for since I was a kid. And now, for once, I have a building that is both affordable and NOT rat infested, or mold ridden, or with rotted out walls. It is actually REALLY nice inside, and the space requirements I have are greatly diminished by the size of the building, but in my apartment I am renting, I can add a garage unit for dry storage and just use it exclusively for that, and then I can write off the expense. I also have 3 sets of financials, worst case scenario, moderate sales potential, best case scenario. This way I can approach each of the banks I meet with, an accurate as possible expectation that they will give me the financing I need. Because they will be confident in my ability to make the business work.

All those years of experience, and the blood, sweat and tears I shed; I guess it is already coming to a head now, and it is finally MINE! I don't have to pay the mortgage for someone else. The mortgage, the equity I am building, all of it is mine!

If you want to come see the place, drop me a line, and I will talk to you about it, and I am off to sleep. It's about 6 pm, and I have not been to sleep from last night yet. I have had so much paper work to do to apply for the loans, and insurance, and stuff. I am just having a difficult time holding my eyes open. Bye!

Don't forget, JULY IS NATIONAL HOT DOG MONTH! So go buy your banana's!

SAUDADE

Wow, I found it! A word that defines how I feel. And I never thought I was like ANYONE else in feeling it. But yeah, that is it. SAUDADE!

Anyways, nowadays I have been working on a new restaurant in the far west part of the state I live in. So it is like a two hour drive from where I am now. Which means, I will be moving if I get the place. It is for sale, so me getting it, will be contingent on the Seller accepting my offer, or us coming to terms on a price, and also on my getting financing from a bank for the property. Everything else seems trivial and not really a block to me getting it, it is just those two things, the price, and the financing. I hope that will go well.

I drove there this past Friday, and I walked up on it and it was SOOOOO cute! Just looking from the outside, it was adorable from the little town it was in to the bench outside to the idea I saw it with little patio tables outside with mosaic tiles and planters, and then the Realtor came and let me in, and I saw how wonderful it was set up and how much I saw myself behind the counter, and smiled as I saw the simplicity. It had recently been open. So now I looked around and asked myself if I could do it. Could I actually live in a small town again. It seemed almost like a Pleasantville town in technicolor.

But the good part was that it is still only two hours away from the city, and it was really inexpensive to buy the place! So I went back to the realty office, and talked with the Realtor. She called the Seller and we talked a bit, about some concerns I had about what equipment and fixtures would be staying and when it would be able to be emptied to take possession. And I wrote up an offer before I left.

Then I drove over to the apartment complex I had found online, and I found the cutest little one bedroom apartment there with a garage! And although I couldn't have a dog (I love dogs), I could have a cat. But it was just the perfect size for someone who would be working from open to close and just needed a simple place to sleep in. It would be home for at least the first year or two. Beyond that, I would hope to be able to afford a house there, since they are also moderately priced.

So now the Seller has made a counteroffer to me, and I replied with my own counteroffer. So this afternoon, I am going to go back there to check out some plumbing and electrical systems with my brother, since he will be out there doing some work with my other brother's shop in the town next to where I will be.

This is my last attempt to do something on my own. If this one doesn't pan out, I will just assume that this isn't my time. All I can hope for is that one simple phrase, those two words in Hebrew, Jehovah Jireh - "The Lord Provides!" If it's meant to be, it will happen, and if it doesn't, it won't. Financing seems to be the only block now, and I hope that will prove to be non-existent as well. If all goes well, I will be taking possession on August 1, 2009. And I will be open by Labor Day weekend (the first weekend in September). Today, I am just happy for the opportunity to dream. "Only in dreams can a man be truly free. Twas always thus, and always thus will be." John Keating Dead Poet's Society.

I probably would have made a LOT more money doing the same thing here in Chicago, but in the end, I don't think I would have been as happy if I had to deal with the issues I had with the landlord. It was a lot of unintended stress that I didn't need to deal with. Here I will be in a smaller town. But not a ghost town. It is actually quite quaint. Although the one thing I see as a potential problem is that the place I am moving to with a population of approximately 25,000 has about 60 churches in it. This means to me that the town is pretty religious. I am quite spiritual, but not at all religious anymore. For Christ Sake, they have laws on the books prohibiting the possession of pornographic materials. What, there is no internet in this town???

HELP ME HELP HIM

I have a friend who is a wonderful spirit. He is actually just beginning to start his life. He had saved up during his youth and just moved from Ireland to England to start his career and find his independence. Unfortunately, in the process of moving, he stopped off at the ATM cash machine to withdraw some funds for his trip. The bank machine took his card, and he couldn't retrieve it. He later found that someone else recovered his card from that bank machine and withdrew 2000 EUROs. WOW! Neither the bank nor the person who withdrew the funds is owning up to their misfortune. So here is this really cool guy who is out a HUGE portion of his life savings which he was counting on to move.

If you all have any inclination, please help out by donating to his pay-pal account. The URL to go to it is http://tinyurl.com/stephen-donate and do all you can to help. Every little bit will help and he would greatly appreciate every penny. Also, if you could spread the word, and get your friends or online social networking friends to help, I would also appreciate it! You all have a heart of gold for helping out my friend. Thank you all and God Bless You!

TIME GOES BY

Can't believe half of the month of June is already over! The summer is coming and I am sort of excited about that. I have been in a bit of a fog over all the stuff that was going on over the past few months. The death of the dream (for now), the landlord from hell, the issues with internet heartaches, the efforts and energies you put into each of those things with all of your being, to be let down.

It was in the past, and nothing can change the past. It happened, time to move on. Time to keep setting goals and keep on keeping on. So I began adding some friends who I deleted to get away from it all, so that I can reunite with people who did care, but I couldn't be bothered to deal with. And it's nice that they are still so very much a part of my heart, and it's even nicer that they still have me in such high esteem and I still have so very much a place in their hearts.

My family has been quite supportive of the losses I have faced this past couple months, and that is really cool. I have such amazing support from people who love me. Why or how could I allow myself to feel down? It is the future, and not the past that I can still work at to achieve goals, and it is within myself that I find happiness more than from external forces. When someone talks crap about me, it doesn't phase me because I know what the truth is, and I know who I am.

This isn't the only time I have had to question whether I was right in the choices I have made, and ultimately, I have to say, I think I have tried to handle myself in the end, way better than I have in the past, in the way I have interacted with those who have hurt me or wronged me. That is a definite sign that in looking at my ideal, I am learning to dole out temperance with mercy. And when I see someone who means nothing good for me, if I were to show hatred toward them, I would only be filling my heart or my mind with hatred. And that is a consumer of energy which I can not afford to release at the moment.

All my energies right now are going to be focused on starting again. My dreams will still be realized in regard to the restaurant, and the next choices, I will venture to say, will be better than the first. I will have a better location, and a better grasp of what I need to beware of, and I will have a better budget in place, seeing where I needed to be this time around.

And as far as the whole relational things, eh. I have nothing negative to say about what happened. He is still a person with extreme value and worth. It is just difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who sees hatred in their heart and won't let go of that hatred long enough to find the friend they once had. And that's okay because I will still remember someone I met, long ago, and someone who I saw with incredible promise in his life. He still has that promise, to do great things, and I continue to wish him all the best things in life and much success. He continues to wish I would rot in hell, but that's okay.

My mom has been really cool with me this past couple months. I have been in a bit of a rut emotionally over the past couple months, and she has been really supportive and patient with me over it. She knows what all I have been dealing with, and she is just awesome. Who else will bake brownies out of nowhere, and just bring me one in bed whenever she thinks of me? Or who else will bring me a soda, when I am sitting without even being asked? Who would let you sleep during the day and stay up all night instead of getting up to do the whole day thing, and go out to face the day when you would rather curl up into a ball and just say "Fuck the world." My mom would, that's who. And I love her a lot... despite her bitchiness sometimes!

And for now, time to get a job to pay off the amount I have lost in the venture so that I can start to plan for my next attempt at success. I have begun talking to a really cool person from Canada, who is incredibly intelligent, and really fun to talk to. There are moments when I just think he gets me. And I hope he does. But time will tell. And in time, you look for your ideals and you hope that you meet their ideals. And in the process you make a really amazing friend. Or you decide that your life has been somehow made better for knowing them.

Every person in my life... brings me joy. Whether they know it or not. And I think I need to appreciate those who I sometimes take for granted. So, yeah. I suppose I will say adieu and wish you all a FANTASTIC day. I am going for a walk since it is sunny and warm outside right now. I need to bask in this NEW DAY! And see the outlook for the rest of the summer! I need to clear my head for a bit, in the park, looking at the greenery, and just soak up the sun! I haven't seen it for a while.

Talk to you all soon! :-)

NEW PLAN

Well, it looks like the landlord is definitely going to be breaking the lease, so now it is time to do one of a few things. First thing is, I have to keep up with the bills until I am legally evicted through the courts, because only then can I be clearly NOT breaking my end of the lease agreement. Second, of course, now that the city has come and put a stop work order on the building, and now that they have issued him violations which he has to appear to answer, there is a lot of speculation as to what he is going to do with that property.

So if it is possible, and if the guy has a few brain cells left, he will chose to sell the building. He was asking for way too much money, knowing now what the building is worth, and what needs to be done to make it operational again. I have spoken to a couple different architects and contractors and within the next couple weeks I will be getting a few estimates as to the cost of remodeling the property. When I figure out the remodel cost, and add that to the equipment cost, and deduct that from what I can afford to get a mortgage for, I will have my friend (who doesn't know me) make the guy a low-ball offer to buy the property, as is. That way, I can buy it back from him! I can get a mortgage on my own, or through the SBA, and take the money it will take to remodel, plus the sale price, plus the cost of equipment and beginning working capital and just pay that amount rather than paying rent to someone who isn't going to be looking out for the building in the first place. I will probably have to pay the city penalties now, if I buy the building and have to get permits for the work that needs to be done on the remodel. But it will not be as much as if I were to pay this guy rent for the next 2-6 years before I pay his exhorbinant purchase price and so I think this is the more economical way in the long run.

Figuring on paying what I was planning on paying in rent to cover the mortgage, I will have the building and equipment and remodel and stuff all paid off within 10 years! And I will own the building and the property outright! This guy made such a miserable choice to buy this building in the first place, as he wasn't a restaurant guy, then he left it go to crap and get shut down by the health department, and then he left it deteriorate over the past few years as a vacant building. Now, he has to get out of the lease agreement he made with me, take a loss from the sale of the building and walk away. Hopefully he will do just that and take a low offer or negotiate more reasonably now that he sees what more he has to do (and pay) to make the building operational again. *crosses fingers*

NOTHIN'

I sent my letter to the landlord, telling him that he has 30 days to cure the problems he has in his building or to make an effort to start on the repairs. I am still waiting for the inspectors to come out to issue violation notices.

He has called me asking to come to look at the amount of work his "contractors" did so he could pay them, and each of the three days in a row that I have told him I was going to be there, he never showed. The last time I told him I would be there at 5:30 pm, and he was 2 cars in front of me, and drove right by as I was pulling up to the restaurant at 5:25 pm. Then I called him 10 minutes later, and he said he was there but I wasn't. He is so full of shit.

He has no intention of honoring the lease agreement we have. I spoke with my lawyers who told me that I have a pretty good chance of winning my case in court if I sue him for my losses. And I intend on doing that. He will have to evict me at this point. And he probably will. And I will withhold rent until he does. And in court we will have our day. And unfortunately, for him, he is liable to me for actual damages, consequential damages, and potential loss of profits. And since I had a 2 year lease, with two-2 year options beyond that, he is risking losing a lot more than it would have taken him to remodel his property.

He will have fun defending himself in court, and I will have fun should the building inspectors find his building condemnable. It will be even more fun should he lose his building to the city due to their exercising eminent domain, and then me buying the place and fixing it up right. But I won't pay what the guy was asking for it. I will pay like less than half.

Wishful thinking. I doubt it will turn out that way. The guy will pay his fines, and patch his walls and rent the place to some other person, without knowing what they are getting into.

And in the meantime, I am out for a year, which is about how long the lawyers say it will take for us to get to court and trial. Eh, yet again, I'll find a place. It may take a while, to recover from the loss of this, but I will find a place. Florida is so much easier, licensing wise. But there is this one lot, I have been looking at for years, and I ask every year at least once, for the lease, but so far have been denied. It's right across the street from this HUGE park. How nice that would be!

DEATH OF DREAMS

Since I was a little kid, I have dreamed of doing this. I wanted to have my own little restaurant, something that I could get up in the morning, go to make food, serve people and interact with them, and come home at night with a sense of having made people happy. There was nothing in that dream about making them sick, or making myself sick by going to work every day. But when I signed this lease, I made sure that I would be protected by making sure the language of the lease was such that the Landlord would not be able to stick me with the responsibility of caring for his negligence or building repairs or replacing major systems.

Well, as you may have read over the past few posts, there have been some major hiccups along the lines with the building and the building systems, more currently and more substantially, with moldy rotten wood within the walls. And there is no way that I am sacrificing my name or reputation by allowing him to cut corners in the clean up or restoration of his building at the expense of the health of myself (who would be breathing the mold spores for 14 hours a day) or the health of the public who I would be serving every day!

He has tried to cover up the problem without benefit of building inspectors over the past couple weeks since I signed the lease to correct his building systems, but when he sacrifices the public safety issue, I have to draw the line. I can't take the responsibility for his shoddy workmanship. And it will be my name on the sign, and on the building, regardless of who owns the building, I have to take responsibility for my knowledge of what is going on. And today, I did just that. I took responsibility, and called the city to have the building inspectors come and look at the work he is allowing to be done without benefit of permits, or inspections to make the building up to code.

He has time to remedy the building, if the building inspectors don't just come out and condemn the building all together. But if he does remedy the building to code, I will still hope to hold on to the restaurant. If he would rather get out of the lease at this point, he will be responsible for every penny I have already invested into this place, and he will definitely be held accountable for his misrepresentations and actions to breach this lease.

I cried for the loss of my dream, and my mom and my brothers and sisters my friends all comforted me during this time of loss. Financially, the $7,000 - $15,000 is nothing compared to the dream this guy promised me, and killed. The work I have been putting into making this place a successful venture, and the hopes and dreams now shattered; it's just sad.

I'll find another place. Soon.

LANDLORDS! GAH!!!

Every wall, every floor board, every leaky pipe, all of this crap is his responsibility. Every system which is in disrepair, and all of it is his responsibility. Why does he think I AM COSTING HIM MONEY? It's HIS building! It's his stupidity to leave the water pipes full of water in the winter, and so they busted when the pipes froze, and now there is water leaks in all the plumbing, and it's his stupidity to leave the roof leak long enough to rot out the joists, and the drywall, and the insulation. All of this is his responsibility! And I am not going to be doing this work for him or HIS BUILDING! He needs to step up and realize that it is still his building.

All this work, and we're already into week 2. Today, I had a couple laborers helping me move some equipment from one area in the kitchen to the dry storage area. Well, I have all these tools in the dry storage area. So this other guy is walking by and asks for some work, so I was like, "Sure, come help out." Then I am on my way to go get some cleaning supplies, and the one guy I had working with me, tells me that this guy stole one of my tools which was like $40 but he wanted to take it to scrap it, and get some money for it. A $40 tool, but still, the guy chucked it over the fence so I wouldn't find it, and he could come back later and take it! So I walk up to him, hand him $10 and tell him, "That is for the one hour you worked, I don't need you anymore today." Now he is all pissed cos the other guys are still working with me, and he was like, "Wait, I thought you needed me for a few hours, and you were going to pay me more," I pulled the tool out that he chucked behind the fence, and said, "THIS IS THE REASON YOU AREN'T STAYING, NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU ARRESTED!" What it was that he tried to steal was a bolt cutter, but I wanted to say get the hell out before I cut your fucking balls off with this bolt cutter! But I was really restraining my anger.

I don't have all the money in the world to start this business. I want things done right, and I want to work a fair day for a fair wage, and I try to extend courtesy to people who wanted to help out, by giving them a job, and this is the thanks I get? I didn't deserve that crap. I just bought that thing, like a week ago. And this guy is going to steal it from me? In a week, I have managed to spend an average of a thousand dollars a day! That is a lot. Now I just bought floor tile, new fixtures for the entire place, a new toilet, and some cement and concrete repair stuff, for the foundation cracks in the dry storage building. And it cost me like close to $1400. That's a lot of money to be spending on some place I am only renting, but it is worth getting the stuff done right! I don't want to put cheap workmanship or materials into a place that I plan on being in for the next 6 years, or more.

So I have the right people working with me, people who I can trust. My brother is a plumber and an electrician. And he is helping me out with the electrical work and the plumbing stuff he can help with. He is also helping me lay tile in the restaurant and installing all my lighting fixtures and plumbing stuff. But he offered my landlord to work on the water leaks, repairing and stuff for $30 an hour. Which is like 1/3 of what any other good plumber would offer to do the work for. But since it was for my restaurant, he wasn't going to screw him over on the workmanship. So this guy, the landlord, decides to ask his friend to do it for him. I asked his friend how much he was charging him to do this, he said $80 an hour. The guy was there for 8 hours finding and fixing all the leaks. And I AM COSTING HIM MONEY???

My landlord asked some carpenter friend of his now to fix walls, which were damaged by the roof leak, insulating them and paneling the walls. I got another friend of my brother's who he works with doing the same thing. The guy said it would be like a good week's worth of work, and will probably ballpark the cost of the materials and labor at $4,000. My landlord says he is crazy, but my landlord also doesn't want to address all the walls that are water-damaged. He only wants to skate by with the minimum so he can slide under the radar for the inspections. But if these inspectors come out to check the stuff, they are going to fine him for first not having the building up to code, and second, for doing ANY work without the right permits from the city.

So this guy doesn't want to spend any money on his building and wants me to take on the responsibility of making his building work for him. This was EXACTLY what took a month to write and fight over in the lease. He wanted nothing to do with the repairs to this building, so it would have cost me about $15,000 to get all this stuff done right instead of him having to pay for his crap workmanship. The equipment he had in the restaurant to start with, was JUNKED because his son who was managing the place, left it go to crap! It was all covered in GREASE for the 5 years the place was closed, the entire place was a home to the neighborhood rat population. And when I clipped the lock on the gangway between the buildings, I see stockpiles of GARBAGE loaded up in the gangway! NO WONDER THE GUY WAS SHUT DOWN BY THE CITY! The place was literally A DUMP!

I am crying right now, because of the undaunted task of getting this place to code. And to get it done right, is difficult for me to do when the LANDLORD won't do it right! I am not going to die of mold spores in my kitchen walls, and I am not going to make my customers sick from it either!

WAIT - AFTER GOD SAID "LET THERE BE LIGHT"

Wasn't it after the whole creation events, and God making the day light and the night dark, then he decided to do the whole flood thing, right? Because I think it wasn't too long ago when I got my electricity turned on, and then it started raining, and then the roof, not having been fixed, decided to collapse the ceiling in on me, and now the carpenters are going to have to replace the ceiling, and a whole side of my building's drywall panels.

Not to mention, yesterday when I went to the bank, the banker said I could just give him my social security number and then when I called today to let him know my federal tax ID number, he said I would have to close the old account and start a whole new account, AFTER I HAD ALREADY STARTED WRITING CHECKS ON THE OTHER ACCOUNT! So now I got that stuff straightened out. The fire suppression system we had in the building is now in need of not recharging or repairing, but replacing, which is another $2,000.

The good news is I got my insurance policy in place. And that was a good thing, because despite it being another $2,400, it was finally there to protect me from any more damage or fire or whatever else could possibly happen to this place now that I am in it! It seems that Murphy's Law, "Everything that can go wrong, will! And it will happen at the worst possible time," is fully in effect for me here. But my mom asked me if I was regretting my decision to do this, and I fully said, "NO WAY!"

There are nice things to be said for what is going on as well. Like, today, I got to talk to the coffee supplier, and so that is arranged for delivery. And then there is the carpenter who is a friend of my brother's. He seemed like he actually knew what he was talking about, and that he would do some decent work. I also got my menu board ordered and sent off to the designers for graphic artwork and stuff. And then we got our dumpster delivered today! That was a BIG thing, believe it or not, because without that dumpster, I had no place to start throwing out old junk! So it was nice, to see some of the stuff happening. And I also set up some vendor appointments today with some really influential people. I got to talk to an old friend who is the Senior Vice President of Vienna Beef Co. This guy is UBER important in the city of Chicago, only because his company has been selling the main "CHICAGO DOG" for the past 125 years!

All these companies who I will be dealing with, who are my vendors, and suppliers, will give me free product, or free advertising stuff, or even help pay for my equipment, or my signs, or just a bunch of stuff. Just for selling their stuff! How wicked is that?!?! So I have Pepsi giving me some coolers, to store my soda, salads, and condiments in. I have the coffee guy giving me a coffee system, to sell his coffee. I have the hot dog vendor giving me signs and table umbrella's and free product or cash for putting his logo on my signs and stuff. And people in the neighborhood are really anticipating my opening already. I have only been there two days, and despite the COMPLETE MESS the place is in, I have gotten a relatively lot done! And the place can only get better. I mean, there are things I need to do to make it what it needs to be, and all the little things add up to a big thing. But ultimately, the place will be where it needs to be to pass all the right inspections, and I can do what I have always dreamed of doing.

My chief goal is not to sell a hot dog here. My chief goal is to be a reputable place, with quality food, great service, and always doing things in business with a good ethic. That means, not screwing people over to make a buck. I think the more I do what I need to do without cutting corners, the farther I will get in this business to build a reputation of being the better restaurant operator.

When I can show a profit, will not be the determining factor of my success, but when I can get my vendors and customers to be happy to do business with me each and every time they walk up to my counter. So from the beginning, to the end, and all the time in between, I want to be a business man with integrity, providing a piece of me with every hot dog, gyros, burger, steak sandwich, and appetizer I sell!

AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP

So today, I got my tree trimmed, from the electric wire problem, and then we got the electric company out right away to hook up service! I have LIGHT! And also, Pepsi came by to arrange for delivering a really SWEET cooler that they are paying for, servicing and all I have to do is SELL PEPSI! They offered me a menu board, but I don't like the generic ones that they have with the little plastic numbers and letters. It just looks sloppy and old. I have this really nice one being made for me. It is going to be lit up and laminate graphics that the light shines through. And as for the gas company, after like, hours of being on the phone, and countless customer service issues, I finally set up an appointment for Saturday afternoon. So that will be good for me to get to cooking. Tonight the carpenter is supposed to be coming by to look over the place and begin assessing all the damage. And there is just a lot to be done. I never realized how much of a problem we have in the dry storage area with cleaning up and storing stuff on shelves, high enough and out of reach of any unwelcome guests!

Also today, the cable company came by to make sure we are serviceable for internet and phone service. And then I hopped downtown to get my business name registered with the county, and my state resale tax ID number. Now I have to file for my federal tax ID number and I also have to eat something before I pass out from not eating all day. I have been so nervous about all this stuff, I haven't had time to eat.

Finally today, I went to the bank to open my business checking account. Just as they were about to close for the day, so I can get my debit card in the mail and my checks ordered and begin to use them to pay for stuff.

The road is long, and the path is certainly not paved well. But I will get to opening day. I hope sooner than later. I have 4-6 weeks before I can get health inspectors in to conduct their inspections. I just hope we get that far. QUICK!

Talk to you later! Keep up with the blog posts for those of you interested. And keep me in your prayers and thoughts. :-)

A TREE

So, there's this great big tree in the back lot of the property. And from the pole in the alley to the building are draped these wires from the phone company and the electric company. Well, somehow, this big tree in the back lot tore down the electrical wires and so now I have to have the tree trimmed so that the electric company can come re-wire us from the pole to the building. A TREE damaged the line. But the best part of this, I get a call at Midnight to come to the restaurant, because the Electric Company guy is going to be there in half an hour. AT MIDNIGHT!!! Question being, will my landlord pay for this one too? Or will he just say, sorry man, you have lots of troubles getting started. I wouldn't know until I talk to him. But I WILL get electricity before the weekend!

I HOLD THE KEY!

The future is mine. I control my own destiny. I am the author of my own destiny. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And about a dozen or so more cliche's come to mind as I hold the key to my shabby little shanty with a griddle and a fryer and a gyros machine and a couple coolers and freezers. I remember the first time I had my own apartment, back when I was living outside Atlanta, Georgia. I had moved down and stayed with my brother just long enough to find a job and a place of my own. And the apartment which I signed a lease on was 750 square feet and it was BEAUTIFUL! I didn't have a stick of furniture and still, I felt like for the first time in my life, it was MY PLACE! No longer encumbered by the rules of "mom's house" or answering to anyone but myself (of course, now with this lease came certain rules and restrictions but these seemed more official since the name on the lease was mine). So there I was in my new apartment, and I spun around with my arms extended, and ran through the apartment singing "MINE-ALL MINE! MINE-ALL MINE! MINE-ALL MINE!"

It was sort of the same thing today! The pride after such a difficult struggle with the language on the lease, and who was responsible for what, and how this was supposed to be dealt with, and what happened if this happened? It was all a bunch of crap until finally, our signatures were affixed on the last page after initialing each of the 25 pages of the lease and checking each clause to make sure we had met on each point. FINALLY we were done trying to get over so that we could move forward. There was not a lot I could do but revel in that moment. I stood in amazement as I looked around at my little wooden shack, and walls and ceiling which needed some cosmetic work. The sink which needed a new faucet, and the floors which needed base molding, and the wall which needed drywall, and all of it was MINE! I had so much to do within the weeks and months ahead to get it ready, but in that one moment, when I had my copy and he had his, it was just that! It was a moment, where I knew what I was getting myself into, and I LOVED IT!

It's sort of like, a right of passage. When you are in control of something bigger than you have ever been in control of before, it is like, you feel a sense of pride! And that is how I felt at that moment. I have managed restaurants for other people before, and it was great and all. I felt like I took care and a sense of responsibility for my job as a manager, but I never felt pride in the outcome of that work. I got a paycheck, and that was a good feeling. I paid bills and I got what I was agreed to get for the time I spent doing what I was told to do. But this time, it was MY responsibility to put in the time and effort, blood, sweat and tears. And in the end, all my work will pay me what I hope to be enough to still pay the bills, and perhaps enough to save up to do more.

I want to pass the threshold and see my business grow from month to month, and then to level off eventually, I am sure, and then to keep me in business for not just the term of the lease, but for the duration of the business life. I want this so much! I have wanted this since I was a little kid, chasing the hot dog street vendor and wanting my own hot dog cart someday! Maybe it was the "GREEK BLOODLINE" which just yelled out, "RESTAURANT" to me. Maybe it was just what I ended up cursed with. But it is finally mine. I don't have to work for someone else anymore. I don't have to answer to anyone but my customers anymore. And for once, when I go home at night, when all is said and done, the work won't be for the benefit of someone else. It will be to build MY business.

The entire struggle with the lease this whole time, was to keep that sacred to me. If I was taking a business from nothing to build it up over time, there was no way in HELL that I would just give it over to my landlord or someone he wanted to give the business to someday, and take all the hard work I was doing to give to someone else. That just wasn't going to happen without me fighting for it. And so I hope that within the next 6 years of my lease and options, that I will have the means to buy the place outright, and not have to worry about that happening in the future. Beyond that, if someone wanted to buy my business, and pay me for what I feel my work was worth, in building that business, then I could negotiate a fair price for that, but in the meantime, I had a lot do to make that happen.

This moment is MINE! This little shabby shack which has been referred to as "ghetto" by some, is still MY GHETTO SHABBY SHACK! And I take pride in everything it is and all I will be able to do with it. The keys are in my hand. And I have control of everything there is in it. From today, I have a very short time to turn it from shanty, to beautiful, and make that little wooden shack make a whole lot of hot dogs (and other food) to pay the rent, utilities, and me. And from this point on, IT'S MINE!

Today, I didn't hesitate to begin calling places to set up the utilities, and get the work scheduled to get the place ready for opening. I have about 5,000 things that need to be done from now until the final inspections, and I hope that they all get done without a bunch of struggles... but even those struggles will build my character, and without that, I wouldn't feel as proud. I don't want anything just given to me without me putting any effort into it. So yeah, life, bring it on! I'm ready now. I control the destiny here.

Finally, I must say, thank you to my friends and family who have kept listening to me struggling through this lease process, and dreaming stages since I was a kid. They are in for more, until I finally do get open for business. But thanks for listening to me and just dealing with my rants and my dreams. And for the One who makes all things beautiful in HIS time - the giver of all blessings, THANK GOD!

I WANTED TO TRY TO BLOG MOBILE

So I set up my cell to be able to send blog messages and stuff, while I am mobile. It didn't work. Maybe I wrote too much. HAHAHA. Oh well. I was going to write a message to someone to say, like, "No hard feelings, I guess we just weren't meant to be friends," sorta thing, but I asked my friend, and she said she would just leave it be. So, yeah, I understand that he doesn't deserve the good gesture even, but I have always tried to be the better person. It isn't like I hate the guy, I just don't like him. Nor do I like the characterizations he made about me after all that crap. And knowing what I know now about who he is, the type of person he has become (or perhaps always was), I don't really like what he is about and probably would never have given it a second thought when we stopped talking in the first place. But this has occupied so much of my efforts and energy, both time and emotionally, that I want to put it to rest.

Moving on, today I am sending in for my state certificate, so that I can get my state foodservice manager's license. I need it to send in for the city license. And that one is going to take a while to process. I wish this were faster, because in order for me to open, the health inspector has to sign off on the premises, and in order to do that, he has to technically see my license. Will he let me go without it for a bit while the city bureaucracy and red tape takes its time to do what it needs to do without making me wait it out? I still need to pay rent in the meantime. So that would really suck.

Today is yet another day that I got a good night's sleep. First time in a long while that I have done that. Yesterday, after I got done with the drama, and got on with a friend of mine for a while on skype, and after deleting all my junk social networking accounts, I finally was able to just sleep a really long time. I remember going in the kitchen, making myself some eggs for breakfast, and then falling asleep. And then I looked over to the alarm clock a couple times overnight, to look at the time, and I just figured, that I didn't need to really wake up, and so I didn't until like, 8:30 am today. That was a full 20 hours of pure, unadulterated sleep. I love those. I wasn't feeling all that well to begin with, and the stress and anxiety was really getting to me. I didn't even need to take a Xanax, as I was just so completely wiped out from it all. Thankfully, my body knew what it needed and made me do the right thing. I don't need to be getting sick right now, there is way too much to do!

I will return over the next weeks to describe the new challenges and accomplishments of the future grand opening. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please. Have a great day!

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

Forget, haha! How do you forget how much someone has no empathy for your feelings? All those things, ALL OF THEM, in the blog below, define him to a T! It was sad, realizing those things over the past few weeks. And the entirety of the "final straw" was me being confrontational about all the things he did. It was time for me to find answers. And I tried as hard as I could to not be abrasive when I did it. I wanted to find a way to talk to him, but as soon as I said anything, NOT SO MUCH AS AN APOLOGY. Not a single sincere word of feeling bad for anything HE WAS responsible for. The lies he told, the whole thing, it was continuous. And from day one, to the very end, he lied about so much. I could really care less about his lies to me, but he lied ABOUT ME to EVERYONE he knew. HE PUT THIS PICTURE of me in EVERYONE's face that was full of lies. EVEN AFTER, all this stuff happened, and I was trying to be protective of him from someone I felt was DANGEROUS, he blew up on me. And after blowing up, he still hadn't deleted anything I was added to as a friend on his social networking sites. I was so sick of the characterizations though, so I went ahead and deleted him from EVERYTHING. It took me close to an hour, to go through all the networking sites I had visited and added him to, and all the friends we mutually had on our contact list, because he had FUN TELLING THEM lies about me too. So, I just figured, I needed to just finally say that I was done with the lies, the insensitivity, the hostility, the being blamed or made to feel like ANY of it was my fault, despite me trying to blame myself for it in any chat he and I had. I didn't want him to think I was blaming him for all of it. But then he just started slinging the same slanderous lies. From the start to the finish. He saw my last e-mail to him, telling him I had deleted him from everything. And then I blocked him from the only thing I had left. It was my e-mail account that I had held open for him to still contact me with. And I blocked him from EVERYTHING.

I've known a few narcissists in my time. Sadly they just drain you of your emotional energy. He keeps telling people that I tried to take ownership of him, or that I am some pervert who wants him for sex, when I NEVER BROUGHT SEX INTO A DISCUSSION WITH HIM in all the times we spoke. I joked with my friend that I never even asked him what he preferred to be in bed... or how big he was... or whether he was even cut or uncut. I NEVER BROUGHT THOSE QUESTIONS TO THE TABLE!!! Because I didn't see him as a sexual thing. EVER.

He tells me in his e-mail that he never cared how he makes me feel. He didn't care if I was sad or whatever from what he did. He also says that he never liked me. So from day one, he lied. And I responded plainly that I was glad to have had this chance to know who he really was, and that I was glad that he wanted nothing more to do with me again, because it was sort of a relief to me. I didn't have to wait until July, to give him what I had promised him. He released me from my promise finally and firmly. So I feel no obligation to fulfill it. And I DELETED HIM! And he probably feels like, he has the edge. He will never be half the man I am. He will never have any significant relationships with someone which will last because he finds fault in people and blames them for his own insincerity.

Yeah, I have known many a narcissist. And each time, you find this charismatic, fun loving person. They are natural born, outspoken people who attract a crowd of followers. And when one of them falls short, they fail. They are cast away. And they are from that point forward, lied about, spat upon, kicked, ridiculed, and left for dead. Who cares? Nobody can be fucked to bother! Nice way of living life. I just could never do it. Thank GOD there are fully not many people in the world like him!!! Because the world would be such a better place with a few less narcissists. The only character or personality which I believe is worse, and I have only met one in my life, is an antisocial personality. These are often referred to as psychopaths. And just a step down from them is a narcissist.

They will never stop believing they are as great as they are. And they will never have an ounce of feeling for anyone. It is just the way they were programmed. I wish there was definitive help to give a narcissist. But what narcissist would want to come down from the pedestal they have put themselves on, in order to come down to reality and realize they are no better. And often times, worse than anyone else around them. Therapy is pointless for this very reason. You can't convince anyone that they are wrong if they don't like being confronted with their faults. They don't believe they have any!

THIS is the first day of my life. So glad I never even met you. I went out in the rain and everything changed, because my tears flowed down my cheeks. Yours was the one I thought I saw, when I looked out across the future. And when you finally showed me what it feels to be destroyed I found my feet, landing back on solid ground. To every person it takes a breaking point and finally I have found, that maybe this time it is different, I mean I really know you hate me.
sing to the melody of "first day of my life" by Bright Eyes

And now I deleted you from my contacts, maybe you will become the man I hoped you'd be. And if you ever feel a bit of empathy for anyone but yourself, there are some who will hold you higher than you ever thought you would be. As for me, I'm looking forward at my life, free of exhaustion from my complete disgust of you and all you are at this moment. And I hope to never hear from or see you again. And that opinion has changed so much over the past WEEK! I expected to let you just do your thing, and walk away for a while after July. It ended up just being an early wake up call to me. I can walk away now. And neither one of us has to feel weirded out by the other anymore.

DSM IV-TR NPD (MY WEAKNESS)

I am always attracted to the same person. THIS IS HIM! Why can't I see this going into it? Crafty little bastards hide who they are until they have no more use for you. You are left with nothing more than sympathy for them, knowing full well that they will NEVER have an ounce of sympathy or empathy for you or what they have put you through.

The following was taken from the Wikipedia page on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and is not complete. If you would like to check out the site, you can Google NPD or you can check out Wikipedia's site at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder


Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."

The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness.


Classification

DSM-IV divides personality disorders into three clusters based on symptom similarities. This clustering categorizes the narcissistic personality disorder as a cluster B personality disorder, those personality disorders having in common an excessive sense of self importance. Also in that cluster are the borderline personality disorder, the histrionic personality disorder and the antisocial personality disorder.

The ICD-10 (International Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders, published by the World Health Organization in Geneva 1992) regards narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category known as "Other specific personality disorders", which also includes the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders.

DSM IV-TR criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special"
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

THIS IS UNCANNY

http://www.bentbay.dk/How_months12.htm

JANUARY

* Ambitious and serious
* Loves to teach and be taught
* Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses
* Likes to criticize
* Hardworking and productive
* Smart, neat and organized
* Sensitive and has deep thoughts
* Knows how to make others happy
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Rather reserved
* Highly attentive
* Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
* Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
* Loves children
* Likes to point out people's mistakes
* Loyal
* Needs to improve social abilities
* Easily jealous*

DUNZO!

It doesn't matter. The same things can be said. The feelings you have for someone can be said, and as soon as you feel that way, you are just wrong for feeling them, even if they were said to you. It doesn't matter. It never did. I cared for nothing. I tried for nothing. I gave every effort to make things right, and try to forget, but the pain is still there. Because SOME people would rather say I am immature than take FUCKING responsibility for what they said or did to hurt me. How do I not have a right to feel hurt? How do I not have a right to be upset? How do I try to get a point across when some people can't be fucked to care? Why do I care? I DON'T ANYMORE! It is pointless. I hope life is good for some people. I hope 15,000 miles isn't as much of a distance as 9,000 miles was. But rather, I hope SOME can recognize that THEY need to grow up and actually care about the people THEY hurt, before they spread LIES and VICIOUS rumors about someone... to make them out to be wrong, when NOTHING I DID WAS THE CAUSE OF THIS, BUT GIVING MY HEART WHERE IT WAS MADE TO FEEL WELCOME! FUCK!

My whole thing was to give this gift, and walk away, in July, but no. I had to have this conversation, cos there were times he was completely cool, and other times he was a complete douche towards me. And so it bothered me, with the past hurt I felt, like... WHY??? Why do you think you can do things to hurt someone and then not take responsibility for what you do? And instead make the person feel STUPID for feeling anything in the first place? I'M SPEAKING IN RIDDLES??? YOU KNOW THE TRUTH! EVERYONE I TELL GETS THE TRUTH! I'M THE TRANSPARENT ONE HERE, REMEMBER? I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED... AND I KNEW I WASN'T WRONG ALL ALONG! And everyone I talked to told me the same thing! Even his friends told me that they understood. But they took a side cos they were his friends. Cool. I get that. But CHRIST! He sits there and tells a version of this story to make me out to be this fucking FREAK! WTF???

I gave all my friends this lecture every time they said I shouldn't care. I was like, he isn't hopeless, just as much of a guy as he could be. No guy wants to say he is wrong. Or that he is sorry. He wasn't any exception. And yeah, he was young, and hadn't had the experiences in life. But where did he get that he could just hurt people and say fuck you! After he did that? I can't say he is the first narcissist I have ever met. And he probably won't be the last. And yeah, a little narcissism is healthy, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of his age, and I ALWAYS defended him, despite how I KNEW what he was doing. I STUCK UP FOR HIM to ANYONE I TOLD about this. Whenever they said, DON'T BOTHER! I still said, nah, he is really a cool person there somewhere. Cos I SEE THAT! But right now, I am sooooooo freaking frustrated. I feel like just throwing my laptop against the wall and breaking it into a hundred pieces.

I love my friends. I can't block the jerk. He can block me if he wants. IDFC! Wouldn't be the first time, and at least THIS TIME, I GOT SOME CLOSURE in the matter, rather than just saying... "Oh, just let him forget about me." WTF did you expect me to do??? WTH??? Yeah you lied... about a lot of stuff. I guess it was a bunch of lies from the beginning. Sad.

I will blog again when I get this lease finally. And I will definitely keep in touch here, if anyone is interested, but I am off Skype and other social networking sites for a while. I can't deal with IMMATURITY! I'm the one who needs to grow up???? I think it is the other way around. *breathes a sigh of relief finally. DUNZO!